Honkified

Here we are, yet again, at a loss for words. Futile promises to finish my story are fruitless indeed.

So much has happened since Wednesday but I'm glad it's all over. Really glad.
I have a new appreciation for the powers that may be. There is something up there, watching over us ungrateful fellas. Trust me on that.

How is Honky-town, you might ask? It is great, actually, thank you. I'm just a tiny bit afraid that I've adjusted to the dress codes so well. I have to say, I am totally honkified. Here is a checklist.

1. I have started carrying three different kinds of lip balm. Just in case.
2. I also keep stock of moisturiser.
3. I have a proper handbag now. Yes, begin the weeping.
4. I actually keep my legs crossed when sitting down.
5. I have boots that are sexy as hell but hurt like a bitch. My toes hate me now.
6. I bump into people regularly and manage to hold a decent conversation that only constitutes of small talk. But small talk is never decent, no?
7. I am starting to enjoy the way my bum freezes over when I take a seat outdoors.
8.I am starting to enjoy the way I freeze over when I am outdoors.
9.I am starting to enjoy the freeze.
10. I eat like a pig but still look like a horse. As far as my eyes can tell.

If you're smart then you'll figure out that the above crap was a way for me to chunk away at what I'm actually feeling.
If you're smart then you'll figure out that I don't know what I'm feeling.

Perhaps the best word is lost.
Us KL people call ourselves city people, but we're not even close. People here are truly hustling their lives away. All I see are rich people hurrying from one place to another.
I can't lie, I love the atmosphere here and the glamour of all the high-end life. I am being treated well because I'm lucky to live with people who can afford it.
But their lives make me sad. Inexplicably sad. Sometimes when I watch them, a small part of me withers and dies, a miniscule portion of my soul becomes hollow and empty. But then I remember that my life is nothing like that, and I hope that it won't ever be like that.
They have everything. Fast car, check. Beautiful house, check. Wads and wads of money, check. Shiny gadgets, check. Expensive handbags, check. Even more expensive wife, check. Bratty children, check.

But they don't have time.
Today I heard the saddest thing.
" I have lived in Hong Kong for more than 20 years, and not once have I taken a walk on the harbour. "
The harbour is basically the jetty, where you can see the skyline and get the whole fantastic view. And a man I know has never gotten a proper glimpse of this because he just can't get away from his job.
This man I know has never gotten a proper glimpse at his family either.

Kids, whatever you do, be good parents. Don't screw your child up. There are ripple effects. The whole world gets hurt.

I'll be back to normal tomorrow. I'm done preaching for today. Actually, I'm not, but it's not the same without my loyal audience.

I got cool souvenirs though! For ALL of you!


p/s- I will read this post next week and wonder why I sounded so emo. Then I will cover my face with my hands and remember that I actually have a choice of posting this up. Then I will groan out loud when I realize that I willingly decided to put this emo piece up.
But I'm trying not to regret what I do.
All in all, this post can't be that embarassing.
Toodles. I'll bring Mil back tomorrow, promise.

I'll Be Back (Say it Arnold-style)

Hello my little birdies. Tweet tweet.

Ah, allow me to curse for awhile.
Bloody comp won't bloody work and dumb pc guy won't come to our stupid house to fix this stupid comp and it all started when my moron brother decided to play this bloody gay game called bloody maple story.
Ah, thank you, sorry about that. By the way, the game's called Maple Story, not Bloody Maple Story, just in case anybody cares. Har har.
Few quick updates, let me breeze you through it!
Book book book sale was on fri-fri-fri day (just so you know, I'm singing this) and it was a-a-amazing. I need a new book shelf. I also need money. Har har, yes I'm beyond broke. But satisfied. You will see me homeless one day but with a huge wheelbarrow filled to the brim with books. What an endearing sight, no? Then one day a Hollywood guy will meet me on the streets (which will then be my home) and offer to make my life into a movie.
And I shall dream on. Just trying to romanticise my blog. Work with me people!
Long awaited reunion on Saturday and it was better than the book sale. (Really).
Non-stop shopping for Hong Kong trip, in 12 hours from now, I will already be at the airport. Eesh, not really looking forward to it, but it will be absolutely lovely to see my grandparents again. (Cue here for AWWWWW)
Went bra-shopping today and it was quite an experience. Funny and embarassing. Will decide if I want to tell my tale. Call me if you want to hear the embarassing bit, I am not entirely shameless. I think.
Will be back on the 29th, and will probably write in here tomorrow as my family in HK are techies already. They have wonderful broadband, which I plan to abuse to no end. Especially for movies. No, not porn you sickos. Movies with actual plots. Like Hindi movies. They have at least 10 different plots ei? Har har.

And finally, saving the best piece of news for the last. My parents finally know about my relationship with my boy.
And they're ok with it. I know they have a million reasons to be against it, and they could have stopped me (like I can be stopped har har) but they didn't. Mainly, they didn't want me to go behind their backs, but I think they have finally allowed me to grow up in their eyes.
One step at a time people. That's what it takes.

No more time to chit-chat. Must go clean hurricanised room.
See you in Hongky town?

(waits for the chorus of YES)

Thursday Afternoon

Hello folks. My little friend has come to visit and I'm so grumpy. It's the hormones I tell you. I've said that before haven't I. I'm currently abusing my rights as a cousin and happily using Payal's laptop while she has to deal with old people downstairs. But it all worked out fine didn't it girly 'cos I was doing the same thing exactly a month ago. Yes dealing with old people while you stretched out like a queen on my bed. Hahaha. Tit for tat. But I hear mom calling.

Anyhoo, I leave for Hk in a week's time and I am sad to go. But I'm getting roaming (wee!) so we can still keep in contact. I'm still here. In spirit. MILAN IS CHEESY!

I'm coming back on the 29th, and am hoping I can escape the clutches of my dad for New Year's Eve. Now I have someone to spend it with. GRIN GRIN.

I don't wanna go downstairs. But I can hear Mom. In my head. Yesterday we went shopping in MV (mind you, my little friend just began visiting yesterday) and we went everywhere with big shopping bags. My feet! They couldn't bare it any longer!!
Just near this shop called Miss Whatever (OMG HOW ORIGINAL) I couldn't take it anymore. I said Mom, ENOUGH, please! She looked at me. Then she looked at all our bags (we had at least 5) and then she said what all Moms say..."But you need shoes."

ARGHH. Then I spied the bright light in my moment of darkness.....
BASKIN ROBBINS.
Oh, how she called to me. Maui Brownie Madness saw my pain and offered itself to me. He said,"come my child, you need nourishment." And I said, "make sure you appear in a cone or I'm not paying for your ass."
Oh my. Ice cream never tasted better. Then I got the only thing I actually liked- new sneakers wee. They're so manly.

WINK.
Yes yes I'm going. I love you all.

Don't Use Your Mechanisms On me

I deleted my last post as it is not something I would usually write. God knows what possessed me to write it, perhaps it was a final resort to get my anger out. But there are better ways, and I am a better person than that.
Never mind my last post, God knows what possessed me to do many things I have done. But it happens.

What am I afraid of? Nothing. Not even you. Not anymore.
I forgot something very important. Nothing and no one can break me. And if you're actually trying to break me, then what does that say about you? Not much really.

I can see you there, in your sad place. And I can feel sad for you, I can even try and reach in to pull you out. But if you're still that same old sad little person, then there's no help for you.
I ain't perfect. But I'm not a liar. If there's one thing I can say about myself, it's that I know where and when I go wrong. And I am not afraid to admit it. And if anyone thinks otherwise, please do correct me. I welcome what you have to say, if you matter to me.

Tell me where I went wrong.

Bleh

This is a word I use often. It is also a good word to describe these holidays.
Say it with me: BLEH.
My heart goes out to my dear- I hope you are ok and I am going to try and cheer you up through my posts. Har har?
Plenty of updating to do here, first things first- something I'm sure we all looked forward to-
PROM NIGHT.
And how was that? Not bad at all, my friends. Pretty damn good. I only wish I could have stayed longer to see everybody wasted and dancing like clowns. People cried, people laughed, people swayed( due to the excessive alcohol) and people err...blended with the shadows (my new name is Shadow I think, for a very good reason..you'll figure it out someday, kid.)

So I owe you a report of prom night, a report of my skit at IGYC, a report of my hol activites and many many book reviews. Hee hee, don't worry you can skip those.

Most exciting part of my day so far: I finally got some eye drops, my eyes have been itching like crazy and they look terribly swollen now, like I've been crying for about 4 hours non-stop. I haven't.

Don't feel bad for me though, it's only 2pm.
I might just get dishwash liquid and then you can get really excited.

Nervous Laughter

HARR HARR!
Here is an update on the International Youth Geeta Conference (IYGC) that I mentioned in an earlier post. It is the very first, organized by the Geeta Ashram of Malaysia and it will start today(tonight, to be specific) and run til Sunday afternoon. There will be people from all over Asia attending this conference from countries like Singapore, Hong Kong, India etc. The theme is Answers to Life and is focused more on youths and how the Geeta can help with their uncertainties.
Here's a link for more information- http://www.hal-pc.org/~ganesh/klconf.html

Here's the best part- Payal and I were requested to do a little skit. So we did our little skit, still preparing. We just finished writing it out, and it's already Friday.

Here's a better part- Vaanavil might be covering this event which means that we might just be able to make a fool out of ourselves on national television. Oh my.
HAHAHAHAHA.

Here's the cherry on top of my cake- Mom walked in earlier and told me in the sweetest voice-
"Mil, I know you get very nervous in front of crowds, and there's going to be a huge crowd tonight, but don't worry, just do it like you did in September in the Ashram."

Hey mom, thanks for scaring the crap out of me.
I'm going to go giggle like a girl.
Oh My.
I need all the luck in the world people, bring it on. Say a prayer for me. Say a million.
Thanks.

I know, I know I should be more optimistic but it's the gigantic crowd.
All eyes on me.
I'll shrink. Tiny Mil will be Tinier Mil in no time!!
In I go to the washing machine. Har har.

p/s- PROM is tomorrow! Cannot wait. Wink. Slinkyyy

Serene

Hello all!

Just wanted to say, I was exaggerating when I said I was traumatized, I was shocked yes, but I was just dramatizing myself. Hehe. Life goes on, eh?

It's been a rollercoaster for the past 5 days but I learnt alot and it was certainly an experience.
What did I do in these 5 days? Here's a cute little list. I love lists, don't you? But numbers do not turn me on, I repeat, do NOT. Do not give me math I will scream. Or run away. Both, probably.

1. Ate like a tanker or somebody who has never seen food in her life. Ate all kinds of junk too, my tummy must look like the pantry of Bullimic-Binge lady. Sorry sorry, bad joke. I am not judging you people, but food is NOT love! I will keep telling myself that.

2. Watched a few movies (refer to previous post for details)

3. Read and finished Misery by Stephen King and started on Sightings by Susan Trott. Misery was awesome.

4. Actually started my Lab Report for Human Motivation but the Lord only knows when I will complete it. I will. It'll kill me, but I will.

5. Went to the cinema (Gold Class, baby!) to watch Casino Royale and fell asleep almost immediately. Yes, only Mil could do that. You should have been there when I fell asleep in Madagascar at the Amcorp Cineplex. It was classic- and nobody saw because I put on my cap. Genius aren't I? I missed all the dance moves!

6. Played Speed with my brother- and won! Not much of a challenge, I told him this is the one game where you don't have to think, just put the damn cards down! Probably why I'm good at it. Har har.

7. Sang continuously in my car while driving places, because this is one of the places where I'm reminded most of someone special. I got the most wonderful glares (oh right, the windows were down).

8. Downloaded a whole bunch of sad songs, probably not the most wisest decision but they're all pretty songs and music always makes you feel good.

9. Went shopping for prom and got the most slinkiest dress I have ever laid eyes on. And I wonder if I'll have the guts to wear it or the confidence to pull it off. It is probably the least I will ever wear except to the beach. I promise pictures. Hint- it has no back. Seriously.

10. Spoke to Jacq and was wonderfully happy! Thanks Jacq for calling!

11. Went for about 4 mamak visits all by myself, just to get a coffee fix and ....ok ok the nicotine fix too.

12. Sorry to disappoint, but probably overdid it with the cigarettes, especially last week. Made up for it by hardly smoking during the weekend.

13. Attended both of my last classes- H.M. on Thursday and Interactive on Friday- proud to say I did not even leave early for Interactive, I stayed to the very end. Must say that Mr. W redeemed himself.

14. Started on the little skit that me and Payal have to do for the IYGC (International Youth Geetha Conference) on Friday, 8th December 2006. Will put up more details later.

15. After classes on Friday, I dropped a friend home in Pantai and got lost in a village; an actual village. I was disappointed because I did not see any cattle but saw satellite dishes instead.

16. After coming back to the village I like the most- Bangsar Village (har har- us city girls!) I went grocery shopping and bought three measly items- cereal, juice and Hungarian paprika which I found out that I had already bought. It's ok it gets better as I stepped into MPH and got seduced by all those self-help books. This was followed by a wonderfully greasy cheesy 'dog on a stick. I love those things.

17. I started to pray more, I'm not sure if this means anything.

18. I bonded with Dad, one of those rare moments where he was home the same time I was. Hee haw, like father, like daughter. If I had been a boy (and this is not denying the fact that I am half a man) I would look exactly like him because inside, we're so alike.

19. I actually played the piano, poor thing thought I forgot her. But I could never do that, precious. *Cackles to herself*.

So what would I like to do more now that I've had the time to sift out my 'real' interests?

1. Go grocery shopping again.
2. Read more. Period.
3. Play the piano more often than when the blue moon reappears.
4. If I want to read more, then I probably want to write more too.
5. Spend more time with family.
6. Watch more movies.

Bottomline: Stop falling asleep so early in the night because I notice I've been doing that alot more now. Love hormones? (PEA or epinephrine, Ming??) HAHA.

Ta!

Confessions of A Procrastinator cum Reality Escapist/Moron

Dear blog,

I have to speak now or forever hold my peace. Or I have to deal with that friggin' annoying nag. My own conscience. I honestly didn't know I had one. Ah, but writing this out will help i know. So tell me, do you know anybody stupid enough to read a book about procrastination, pick the same book to write a review on, and still manage to procrastinate on handing in the assignment?
Yea I know somebody like that. Think you know him (her?! HIM! HER!!) It must be all the sleeping I did two nights in a row. Just for the sake of defending myself, (by the way I hate to do this, when i mess up, I truly know that I do and I don't usually bother making excuses for it) I was sick two nights ago. BUT, yes , I could have started earlier.

I have an apology to make to myself. I let myself down. I am not going to sit here and moan about it, I'm going to finish the damn thing and I know i will. I'm going to park my butt here and not go anywhere (or surf the net, check friendster, look at pictures of my cicak or go to my inbox) until I am DONE.

But let me finish telling you about my sin ( I am NOT laughing right now and neither should you, dumbass). So I got off to a really good start, you know? I picked out the book, I read it, I was doing ok with other work, it was just when I saw the deadline come closer, I felt myself get all phobic again. It's like I'm afraid of even coming here to start typing the damn thing. It's horrible I know. Everytime a deadline looms large in front of my eyes I sleep more, I eat more, I spend more time outside than necessary and I end up knowing exactly what is on tv (I barely watch tv, so what the hell is up with that?).

I can't ask anybody to smack sense into me but myself. Why? I know plenty of people who would be willing to do that for me (I know plenty of people just waiting to smack me, period) but I feel like I need to do this for myself. If I have to be punished, so be it. If someone were to nag me, or to become my cheerleader, I'd probably do it because I'd feel bad for letting that person down. So it wouldn't be for myself and what am I going to do when that person isn't around the next time?

Phew, well I feel better already and ARGH I'm almost there. GRRRRAAAAWWWR.
Maybe I should actually scream for real. That would help, no?
Time Crisis, here I come.

On a sidenote, to the people who are reading this (and to you dear, yes you I know you're reading this) you are in no way responsible for me being a pushover. It is me, all me. I am the culprit. I am also, unfortunately, the victim. But nobody is to blame except for Mil.

And there will be no more of this. I promise you and I promise me.
You are more than welcome to smack me around a bit, thanks.

Oblivionism

Hello to you and to you. And to you *points to far end of room*. Didn't see you there what with the smoke blocking your face and all. You chimney you.

As noted by someone who comes by here pretty often, my blog has been quite a hotspot- in a bad way I guess. So much drama! Hrmm. Well, I was overwhelmed with your concern, thank you. Whether I was wrong or right, I guess I'll never know, but thanks for backing me up no matter what.

Days go by faster and faster, soon it will be the end of November, which will bring us to December. Only a year left til' I have to go. Damn.

It's been a crazy week sometimes I wish I could just block it all out. But reality is reality, there's no escaping it. I've learnt that the hard way. Although I have been pretty good at hiding from Reality's nosey touch, I can't run very far away. Can I, you son of a gun.

I don't want to grow up. Let's freeze.

Randomness

1. Are you currently mad at someone?
I get that way at times but it's all good.

2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
Err...that might just be me. But my brother is catching up

3. Have you ever thrown something at anyones face?
*Shameful* Yes. But I don't remember who it was and what the unfortunate item was that had to collide with the face. Nyah.


4. Does your face turn red when you blush?
Oh goodness, yes it's like I'm on fire. In all the bad ways.

5. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
Ooo, to stare angrily. It gives me much satisfaction to see my minions squirm uncomfortably. On second thought it feels great to yell too. I am such an angry man.

1. Has anyone ever thrown a surpriseparty for you?
Oh yea, and they were both lovely. Both sponsored by my parents. People love me!

2. Are you easily excited?
Excited's not the word, I'd say easy to please.

3. What event is coming up that you're most excited about?
Friday because only you could get me to hop up and down and squeal like a pig in mud.

4. Which of your friends is most excitable?
Without a doubt, Ming.

5. If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought?
Holy Shit. Second thought: I'm Robin Hood and I want to buy you lunch.

6. If you could have anything right now,what would it be?
A smile on my darling's face.

SELF DISCOVERY
1. Name? Silly-billy-milly

2. Where were you born?
In a land called Malaysia, in a state called Selangor and in an area called Kelana Jaya.

3. What's your main goal in life?
To give out some goodness to the world for it has been good to me.

4. Do you want to have children?-
Absofrigginlutely.

5. How do you want to die?
Surrounded by the ones I love.

OPINIONS.
1. Sex before marriage?
Without the right person can be fatal.

2. Lower the drinking age?
Oh nono, can you imagine 16 year olds running wild and drunk?

3. War?
Is so unnecessary and so fascist.

4. Recycling?
Is something we never do.

LOVE
1. Do you have a crush?
A big one.

2. Who is the best hugger that you know?
Me actually I tend to squeeze the life out of you.


Q&A
Q: How many beds were you in yesterday?
I remember just one.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
Dark blue.

Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
Drive.

Q: I can't wait till...?
Friday. Wee.

Q: Who got you to join Friendster?
One of my high school friends, because Fster was so totally cool ei?

Q: Is Jack on your friends list?
No, but I have a Sebastian. Hehe.

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
My pretty purple curtains.

Q: What's the last thing you borrowedfromsomeone?
Nimmy's hair thing that looks like a weapon.

Q: What website(s) do you visit themost?
TV Links.

Q: Most recent time you were really upset?
Last Saturday because it happens.

_______Last________
1.Person you saw last in your family:
Mommy, Pops and bro.

2. Hugged:
Ashy.

3. Movie watched:
Fantastic 4. Eh, first one was better, movie-wise and Alba-wise.

4. Song you listened to:
Jhalak Dikhlaja-Himesh Reshamiya.

_______Today________
1. What are you doing now?
Boring you and refusing to look at my Human Comm book.

2. What are you doing tonight:
Pretending to look at my Human Comm book. Okok i study. Hee.

3. What are you going to eat fordinner?
Me had fish.

4. What are you doing tomorrow?
Meeting Ming at Hanky-Panky. =D And waiting for Friday.

Thread

I am made up of thread, seemingly flimsy, but on closer look,
it is strong.
Strong thread spun from experience, big and bigger mistakes, but most importantly,
love.
Over the years I tried to stick shells to the thread, but somebody took out these shells.
Resilient now but with no shells.
You took down that hard surface and now I have no armour.
But I have my thread.
Sometimes there are things that try to attack my thread, but I allow it to bounce.
Bounce, bounce.
Bounces once, twice, three times.
No matter what, my thread stays the same, only growing stronger each day.
Sometimes there are things that try to break it.
But how do break something thats only in my head?
You can't cut it, it will only sew itself back together.
You can't smash it, it is too tiny for your violence.
You can't wrestle it off me, because what is mine you shouldn't take.
So no matter what, you can't destroy what is already meant to be there.
I ask for you to respect my thread and yours will grow to be like mine too.

Knee Deep

What's been going on Mil's life? Is that why you're here, is that the question that runs through your head?
If so, then thank you! Funny story, yesterday an old flame messaged me to tell me that a girl he knows never writes to him. It's funny because i'm the girl and he's just wasting time pointing out the obvious isn't he. I found this quite hilarious and didn't know quite what to make of it. Except laugh my ass off.

It's been about four weeks or so since the fall semester of college and everyday has been fantastic. I've been finding classes fairly easy *knocks on wood* and life has been like one big party. Hey that rhymes and I wasn't being sarcastic.

I don't feel like I have to worry so much about what's going to happen next, especially academic-wise and I'm just taking it one step at a time you know? If I do well this semester, it will be the boost that I need to convince myself that I'll be okay doing psychology (possibly for the rest of my life).
Here's a lowdown of how my conversation went with dad about me switching to English.

Me: So Pops, I think I'd prefer to do something with English...not Psychology.
Pops: English? What would you do with English?
Me: [Long pause] Err...I guess I could teach. I really don't know but I think I'd do better with
that.
Pops: Yea but what about prospects? The money wouldn't be great. With psychology you could be earning twice as much as me. (Proceeds to talk about the importance of money for awhile).
And then came the blow...
Pops: When I'm not here anymore, you gotta take care of the family. Who else is going to do that?
Me: [Feels like she's been punched in the stomach] Yea. Of course.

So that was that. How can I consider anything else when my entire family's welfare is in my hands. But the thing is, my Dad's right. Going into English could be a risky thing because of the pay and uncertainty of job offers.

Having said that though, if he didn't put it that way, I would already be knee deep in Literature.
We all have responsiblities though. And this doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming.

Wee.

Tu Hi Re

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
jaan re jaan re in saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa tuu
chaa.nd re chaa.nd re aa jaa dil kii zamiin pe tuu
chaahat hai agar aake mujhse mil jaa tuu
yaa phir aisa kar dhartii se milaa de mujhko

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
in saa.nso.n ka dekho tum paagalpan kii aa'e nahii.n inhe.n chain
mujhse yeh bolii mai.n raaho.n me.n terii apne bichha duu.n yeh nain
in uu.nche pahaaRo.n se jaan de duu.nga mai.n gar tum na aa'ii kahii.n
tum udhar jaanam ummiid merii jo toRo idhar yeh jahaan chhoRuu.n mai.n
maut aur zi.ndagii tere haatho.n me.n de diya re
aa'ii re aa'ii re le mai.n aa'ii huu.n tere li'e
toRa re toRe re har ba.ndhan ko pyaar ke li'e
jaan re jaan re aaj tujh me.n samaa jaa'uu.n mai.n
dil re dil ve terii saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa'uu.n mai.n
chaahat hai agar aake mujhse mil jaa tuu
yaa phir aisa kar dhartii se milaa de mujhko

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
sau baar bulaa'e mai.n sau baar aa'uu.n ek baar jo dil diya
ek aa.nkh ro'e to duujii bolo so'egii kaise bhala
un pyaar kii raaho.n me.n patthar hai.n kitne un sabko hii paar kiya
ik nadii huu.n mai.n chaahat bharii aaj milne saagar ko aa'ii yahaa.n
sajna sajna aaj aa.nsuu bhii miiTHe lage
pal pal pal pal waqt to bitaa jaa'e re
zara bol zara bol waqt se ki voh tham jaa'e re

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
jaan re jaan re in saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa tuu
chaa.nd re chaa.nd re aa jaa dil kii zamiin pe tuu
aa'ii re aa'ii re le mai.n aa'ii huu.n tere li'e
jaan re jaan re aaj tujh me.n samaa jaa'uu.n mai.n

Emotional Tag

1. HAPPINESS- is s state of mind where I am content in not an extreme manner, where I am comfortable just being. Spending time with the ones I love and doing something I love (spending alone time) brings out the happiness valence.

2. SADNESS- is having that gut-wrenching feeling where everything is bleak and nothing seems like it'll ever be alright again. Normally brought upon during inner crises and when I think too much. The crossroads and the hormones.

3. HOPE- is blind faith. I am not against this emotion, but don't put all your freakin' eggs in one basket. But without hope, we are nothing.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT- is dressing up real nice for someone and then they cancel on you. But beyond that it is a step away from anger; not getting what we want. The id in all of us.

5. LOVE-is life. We live to love. Love is getting angry because he did something stupid again. Love is when you want nothing but the best for the one you love.

6. HATE- does not exist here. I have no room for hate. I try.

7. CONFUSION- is when a guy says...Baby, I love you but then proceeds to step all over you. Confusion is when there is more than one person involved. Confusion is when your eyes see someone but your heart thinks of another.

8. ANGER-is when you tremble and shake like a leaf because you're so MAD. Anger is the most frightening thing to me.

9. FRUSTRATION- is when you're sitting in a traffic jam, fumbling for a cigarette and you realise you don't have a lighter. It's synonym for IRONY.

10. PASSION- is that thing you have that is all-consuming and if you let it, it will take over everything. In all the right ways.

11. FEAR- is the silliest most obstrusive emotion we have. Public speaking.

12. STUPIDNESS-is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It is when you go the longer way because you forgot about the shortcut.

13. ECSTASY- is that extreme happiness where you feel you're about to burst. Pop. When I walk into a bookstore with a credit card.

14. JOY- is when you type the last word on a particularly baffling assignment and actually manage to pass it up. On time. And the lecturer looks surprised. And you go AHAH!

15. MISERY- being lonely when you're not used to the feeling. Yech. At home on a Saturday night when you're particularly itching to dance. With people.

16. REVENGE-is pointless when you want to be the bigger person. If you don't mind looking stupid and small then BULLDOZE RIGHT AHEAD. HAHA. Kick him right where it hurts. Sweet.

17. ROMANCE - is the quickened heartbeat just by the simple act of holding hands. The private kisses shared in elevators. The brief but heart-stopping hugs.

18. LUST-is when you feel like an animal in broad daylight next to a man who hasn't even touched you yet.

19. PRIDE-is not being a clingy bitch. Control yourself people. Show some respect for YOURSELF. In a lighter tone- you have better things to do than mop around.

20. DEVOTION- Is developing a habit that is actually good for you and does no harm for other people. Prayers, checking up on friends or cleaning.

.OF ALL THE EMOTIONS IN THIS SURVEY, THE ONE YOU FEEL NOW IS- happiness

I tag: Ming, Syar, Sebastian and you.

I Should...

...be less selfish.

...think about the future more.

...stop living in my little world.

I should, but do I want to?

Is there something wrong with me, something wrong with the way I behave? I can vouch for the fact that I'm not repulsive, but I wouldn't know if I am decent.

Some days you just feel repulsive and not at at all decent.
Some people can make you feel that way, but what did we learn?

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Do I ever learn?

So what if I want something from you? You have taken many things from me, and I usually don't say much about it. Why should I feel guilty about expecting things from you when you are always telling me you owe me? If you owe me so much, then pay up.

If I believe I am deserving of something and you don't, then too bad. I have made up my mind.
If you have a problem with that, then it's your loss. I know I have tried being nice. I have tried being fair. You should do justice.

A note to you people who take advantage. Mr. Nice Guy isn't always going to be around. One day he'll put down his foot and say NO. And you will gape while he walks away. Sometimes that only happens in movies. In real life, Mr. Nice Guy ends up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown after too many YES's to people.

A note to Mr. Nice Guys (and Miss Nice Girls)- Say no. I dare you. Let's be mean just this once. Not to throw it in their faces, but to feel good. So damn good. If you can't do it, don't push it. Don't be apologetic. And under no circumstances should you even THINK about feeling guilty. Why do we torture ourselves? I'm not saying I condone selfishness, but I certainly don't condone self-mutilation (in the head). This is not about being selfish, it is about knowing your boundaries.

Tell me I'm wrong.
This is an age-old problem, let's not bring it any further, people.


To the free spirits and the people who don't look any further than dinner tonight- You ain't alone. We're different, we're not so good at planning things, but that's ok. It really is.

I'm not telling you to wait and see. I'm just telling you to stop straining your neck- to breathe and to LIVE.

Live my babies, LIVE. And remind me to do the same.

Honey why you calling me...

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel (And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

Can you hear him croon doesn't it just make you swoon.
Wee

Cheers

Today is Diwali (Deepavali is how the Malaysians say it) and I get to take part in the celebration. Yesterday it didn't really feel like Diwali. I had to be in a million places (at the same time) and by 5pm I was ready to a) cry, b) scream, c) roar d) all of the above. But I pulled through. I made it home by 6.45pm (beat my Dad, hah!) and attempted to get ready in the next 15minutes. I had a play to attend! And attend it I did. It was the best part of the day for me (except the time I spent with Straight Girl- it was fun chillin with u girl!). Everybody important to me was there, especially my Right Hand.

It's so true what people say- it doesn't matter where you are, where you go, or what you plan to do. What matters is who's with you. The play was worth my 10bucks.
Stand up comedy is catching on.
Detalis? The Actor's Studio @ Bangsar Shopping Centre- 8.30pm shows until the 22nd, that's tomorrow, tickets priced at RM10. The show is called Free Flow. Aptly named indeed!

I won't say much about the first part of my day yesterday because it's simply not worth mentioning. Who wants to know about my stress? No, I ain't fishing for love or attention, thank you though.

A note to the clove writer- I miss hangin with you.

I wish I could quell my public speaking fear. I'd try stand up comedy just for the sake of it. Boy, I go red just thinking about the crowd.

Slap me for this, but I love tequila shots. Actually wait, don't slap me, because it ain't a crime. I loved drinking with friends yesterday. We have to do that more often.

So because I had some to drink, I slept like a log, could barely wake up. I immediately thought of running down the road for some nescafe ais. Oops. It's Diwali, there ain't nobody there to make you a drink and charge you RM1.40 for it.
I was really craving it though, so me being the smartass I am figured I could re-create the drink at home. End result- it really wasn't that bad, it was free, but I had made it in a smaller portion so it was gone in no time. I even added the straw and took it outside to drink with the garden wall.

Diwali this year was even more laid back but the night is still young people. Have two more prayers to do and then we shall all head out for dinner. Ta.

What Is It

I'll tell you something wierd.

There is a Coke can sitting on my right and it's all fizzed out because it's been there for about 4 hours, and I just realized that.

Something wierder? Okay, here goes.
Remember that movie Princess Diaries? Sure you do. A movie where we yearned, yet again, for a leg-popping kiss from our own Michael's. Ahh Michael.
Anyway, it was first a book, as you know.

Now remember The Devil Wears Prada? Also was a book first. Now, get this. Both movies had Anne Hathaway (gorgeous specimen of Hollywood breed) as the lead actress. Now, focus on this fact, which I find very cool.

In both books(movies), her best friends' first name is Lily. And both movies (books) had Hathaway in it.

I realize I took an awfully long time to spell that out, and I also realize that this is hardly very significant in our lives, but what a coincidence ei?

As an update, I doubt I mentioned this- mom sprained her ankle on Thursday evening, last week, but she is totally fine, just chilling in bed. Literally. I was puttering around her the first two days then realized that this is a perfect excuse to stay in bed. It's only mildly painful and everybody will tend to you because you're supposed to rest the leg. So after this brilliant insight, I tried twisting my foot in a pair of slippers. I ended up doing a little akward dance, in front of the door on the welcome mat. It was very attractive. By the way, that's where it happened for Mom- right there on the mat. God knows she wanted me to take over the chauffeur job she has.

The pay sucks.

Well she's happy- overdosed on Desperate Housewives and that's how we ended up having one of those shouting matches where you try not to laugh because it's all so dramatic. She's been reading one of my self-help books, another bad idea because they can be depressing. Robin Norwood- Women Who Love Too Much. If anything, she picked the right book (actually I slipped it in her handbag, oops). She's read all the magazines she stole from the clinic's waiting room, the threading lady and probably a few stores. She's even joined 6 competitions (which she chanced upon during the magazine phase) which she wants to mail out before friday (translation- mil, you do it) and today she watched Fanaa even though she knew I was pms-ing.
If you don't know by now that I'm an absolute crybaby then well... you probably wouldn't be reading this. Yea so there I am, lower lip trembling (such sad music, people!) while fetching her pillows and stamps (for the big mail-out).

Damn these hormones will be the death of me.

Tomorrow, I wait for you to come.
Wee.

Gratitudinal

Only thought in head:
Bed wants me. I want bed. Let's make each other happy.

Interesting fact:
For Human Motivation, as an extra credit assignment, students are required to keep a gratitude journal. In all honesty, it's a piece of cake, she might as well hand in the 2% without reading the crap we're going to send in. But, let me say that it is a great thing to do, extra credit or not. Bad days come and go, but when you have to write down one thing to be grateful for (and for a whole month too), complaining IS going to feel and look stupid.
I've only done two days, but just the act of starting it has made me think of things to write about. I would suggest this to anyone, especially those of us with attitude problems. Haha.

"WHY ME!"

"LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!"

Ok, seriously? Shut up already.

I ain't mockin them (ok, I am) but why do we do that? Sure, we're allowed to self-absorb now and then but there should be a limit.

Another interesting fact:
Human Motivation class has been more fun than I thought it would be. It's so much more than self-help books you know?
OH MY ANOTHER MYTH BUSTED.

HAHAHA.
Yes folks it is true. Oprah is just about the money. Buying Steve Chandler or Barbara Sher wont work alone. Just reading it isn't enough. All you gotta do is get your damn butt off that damn chair. I swear. That's it.
It comes down to one thing.
Inertia.
I can see everybody nodding.

Yet another interesting fact:
If you didn't already know, sex is just about one of the most motivating factors in a human beings. I'm pretty sure everybody knew this but it is so fun to be scandalous.
SEX SEX SEX! OH GOODNESS SHE SAID THE S WORD. That's what it used to be right? the S word (no, not Shit!), the Word, the forbidden thing. Wrong.

Ok, I grew up. I hope you do too.

Something I would find hard to say normally but am saying it now because I'm already going with it:
Today I felt like absolute shit, but I'm happy I pulled through. To the people who matter; sorry I didn't say anything, I really didn't want to talk about it (because the tears would have then become inevitable and I know you'll start if I do, because that is how contagious I am).
I'll tell you someday soon, when I can laugh about it.

Today I felt happy being in class with the newly-straightened girl (like the name...I guess not). Thanks girl for laughing the loudest so everybody turned to look at us just to laugh at us. Including our lecturer.

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes of your goal."

Pretty Haze

Greetings. And salutations.

Hello and welcome to the let-down.
Gee I feel really distant from you.
Gee I wonder why.
I have not been faithful have I?
No. You have not.

Any particular reason?
Yes. I've been whizzing. Whizzing and hurtling through time.
This week has gone by fast, I still feel like it's Monday.
It's Saturday.

Yesterday, I dreamt I took the SPM again.
I failed obviously (only the worst in dreams) and then I was kidnapped by a pervert (well, he certainly wasn't decent).
The worst part of the dream? I managed to escape but I left my brother behind.
The worst sister.
Only the worst in dreams.

For some stupid reason, in the SPM there was practical too (as opposed to theory where you're sentenced behind a desk to write, color in small circles and wither while watching the clock.
So much fun.
So how would a practical exam go? Mind you, this was something everyone had to do, no matter if you were in Arts or Science. This is why on that day, the crowd seemed double the usual size. Perhaps the entire school had to take it.
So hundreds of us lined up for hundreds of minutes to go up to a podium, do a small dance and walk away.
Honestly I can't remember what we had to do once we got up there, but I distinctly remember never getting a turn.
High school politics.

Today I realized something. I'm in the 8th Grade for piano but I feel like I'm in the 5th.
Miss Ellen told me I had to decide when to take my theory. March '07, September '07, when I get back from Australia, during my stay in Australia, or never.
Surprisingly, it is not tempting to take the last option. Simply because for some wierd reason I kind of enjoy the theory bit. It's just hard to feel competent when you have no time for it.
Nope, that's not a good excuse is it.
I'm still thinking, because I have to re-take my practical as well. Choices, choices.
Initially I was looking at March '07 to do the theory thing. But it's pretty clear that this is pretty damn idealistic.

Oh well.
You live and you learn.

Why the pretty haze? Because yes, the haze is deathly, but it looks pretty under the streetlights.
So pretty.

But When

I believe I was typing out a post, but I was rudely interrupted as Dad wanted to play freecell. Haha. Unfortunately, last night would have been a better night to post. A little less pessimism perhaps but I might be funnier today. Maybe, perhaps, eh.

Hello to all. I would like to say thank you for all the comments once again, it feels good that you check up on me. Thanks for sharing my apparently contagious enthusiasm.

"Where should I kiss you?"

My face. It is bare without your kisses.

"Why should I kiss you?"

Because I want you too.

"When should I kiss you?"

Only when I feel ready, when I wouldn't object and when I am comfortable enough to call you names and hit you when you say something chauvinistic.

"Oh."

Yea, thanks for the insightful feedback.

No worries, this is totally random. But certainly resembles me.
Deal with it.

Why should I feel bad about having my own rules?
Why should you make me feel bad about even having principles?
By the way, I may look and sound totally principle-less but you would be sadly mistaken.
Buddy.
Expect the unexpected. I learnt that one.
What did you learn?

I'm content, thank you for asking. Just the racing thoughts, nothing to worry about.

I shall have to update you someday.
Not today.

She is Restless

Yes she is. She is waiting. Oh my.
Bring me to my paradise.
I am waiting to see.

Tell me to live, baby!

HAHA! I am so cheesy. Thank you for the thoughtful comments it is nice to know that you give a shit. Seriously.
Yes, what brought this all on though?
After taking Readings into Modern Literature, my head fell into place. Yes I'm pretty sure it wasn't there before. Certainly not in Developmental class.
And I neglected to mention all the fun I had in Miss Angela's class. I pretty much ate her head too. I'm a bad bad kid.
Miss Angela is a darling that taught me all about Austen, Shakespeare and the works. But that wasn't all it was. She taught me and reminded me how fun it is to have somewhere to belong to. A group of people that you feel comfortable and a never-ending supply of food.
Joy joy joy.

But the clock is ticking.
I am waiting!

4ever

Wowee.
weeeeeee.
As you might assume, I'm doing great. =)
These hols have been probably one of the best hols in my life, aside from the Bali trip.
And today marks my first meat meal after about a week. Boy I need my meat.
For those who are unaware and blissfully ignorant (HAHA!), it is during this time frame that Hindus celebrate Navarathri (literally translates to nine nights). If you are familiar with the Catholic event called Lent, this is quite similar to this, except (Thank God) this doesn't last for 40 days.
It is during this time that our will and self-discipline is truly tested. Abstain abstain.
Thankfully, I did it.
I think having people who love meat as much as I do abstaining along with me made everything easier. =) God bless them.
I miss watching Friends, my pc is acting up, not allowing me to play many of the episodes that I carefully stored in my hard drive. Damn you, damn you!
I sense a change in the way I write, I believe that I sound more carefree, this is because I am!
Of course many major events have taken place (besides Navarathri), one of them being a change of heart. I am seriously considering stepping away from psychology.
It just ain't my thang, ya know?
Heee heee. Boy when I put it that way...
but actually that pretty much sums up the way I feel.
It's not my passion, I am pretty sure.
I would consider myself pretty decisive ( I think so at least, but of course I may not be the best judge of character for myself), so when I decided on psychology, I thought well this is it. Of course I wanted to be flexible too but I couldn't imagine doing anything else (i.e. business, mass comm, engineering, law) that wouldn't lower myself in mud in the eyes of my parents.
Lower myself in mud...more like drown in it. Err...ok getting off topic.
But I feel pretty stupid now because I'm surprised that the option I'm considering hadn't crossed my mind earlier. I've loved reading my whole life, and always knew that I was doing better in languages.
You should have seen me in Italian class. Seeing is believing, ei? Yea well I literally ate my teacher's head off. It was immense fun.

La la la. I'm off with a wink and a smile.

Don't Mock Me

Shaky, trying to be
firm.
Lower lip trembling,
and I fail.

Roars of laughter
pierce my gloom,
bringing me back
to this present.

Sinking horror,
oh dear Lord,
they are laughing at
me.

Find mirth in my
tears.
Find jokes in my
choked sobs.

Hidden meanings in my
cry,
Strain your ears to catch
the notes.

With my hands folded,
I plead.
Do you understand my
words.

In a high after your
promise.
I looked forward to your
return.

But the turkey is
done.
My hair is
unraveling.

Efforts were in
vain.
But all I asked was
don't mock me.

It's All Good

I feel better now, and here I am trying again. It has been awhile, and I missed coming here.
Shall we have an update on the library? I finished Seeds of Yesterday by Virginia Andrews and have been somewhat riveted to this book called Mindhunters, written by an ex-FBI agent; John Douglas. I have always been intrigued by stories of serial killers, but more importantly, the motivation behind it. If nobody knew better, they would dub Mr. Douglas a kooky psychic and not believe a word he says, only because of how frighteningly accurate he is, and always turns out to be.
More on him later, I want to tell you about my life these days.
That's right, I, Mil, actually want to talk.

Life is breezy these days. I didn't have to think much about this description, it was just about the only word that came to mind.
I think it's definitely crucial to have holidays.
I do know there should be certain things that I have to keep doing, but it's not just that, I feel good, in general.
I always believed it is easier to be sad than to be happy.
Crazy?
No, not really.
Being sad is so simple. You dwell, you moan, you groan, you sink into folds of depression and continually self-absorb.
Simple, she says. Do you know how hard it is to be lonely and sad?
Granted. It must be hard.
But do you know how hard it is to keep your chin up?
Being happy is a choice.
I've always known that, I just have to keep reminding myself that.
I will have bad days.
I've said all this before haven't I?
Let me tell you about all the fun I've been having.

1. The lit mag reached the desk. (insert enormous sigh of relief)
2. The endless reading I've been doing with the television as background noise.
3. The 4 movies that I've managed to see in the past two weeks
- DOA Dead or Alive (I grew old watching it, I've gotta give Ady a piece of my mind)
- The Wicker Man ( I enjoyed the storyline)
- Pulse (ditto, storyline was quite impressive)
- You, Me and Dupree (entertaining movie with entertaining company)
4. The staying up late to watch old favourites and to see new ones.
5. The unlimited time of bumming, spending time with mom, learning the Art of Being A Good
Sindhi Wife and smsing.
6. Lastly, but I love this the most (aside from no.2)- being able to go out for a drinks whenever
with the knowledge that my mom trusts me.

Friday night was splendid, especially the last hour of it. I got to dance everything away, just the music, my good friend and me. (warning warning- mil starting to sound almost identical to Britney Spears). HAHAHA!

A note to Nim- there is no question, I am will be loving you bery much. (warning warning- mil has overdosed on too many episodes of Mind Your Language).

As always, there is so much to say, I shall keep notes:

a. thoughts on Wicker Man
b. Nimmy and me
c. My experience on Friday (part 1-at Clarins)
d. My Friday (part 2-Bangsar)
e. Hindi film I am liking
f. persistency does not impress me (warning warning- starting to rhyme!)

HAHAHA!
perhaps there is more.
oh yes.
g. my commentary on Seeds of Yesterday. (yes, yes nerdy Mil coming through!)
damn, there was something else that I was reading, I shall get back to you.

Yes, Ma'am.

Back to Basics

After reviewing previous posts, I come to a realization.
I have lost sight of why I started a blog in the first place.
In the very beginning, I had said that I had wanted to write for a benefit.
I don't think that I have been accomplishing this.
I sincerely doubt what I've been writing has benefited anybody.
Then I wonder if this is my true purpose.
More disturbingly I wonder if the posts on this webpage have been at all beneficial.
At all.

No, I am not fishing for a compliment.
Everything could circle back to the fact that I am a private person and tend to censor what I say, even here, sometimes, even to myself.
That certainly isn't beneficial.
So I end up bursting.

Pop.
I have to try to speak up more before the volcano erupts. Before it is too late.
Maybe I will come back here when I am better.
Everything seems inadequate now.

Haha

Any attempt to be funny fails miserably.
Like a planned slapstick.
Like a really bad joke.

Joke, joke.

I've been reading Seeds of Yesterday by Virginia Andrews, a highly dramatized novel, not to mention downright scandalous.

It contains...
*lowers voice to a whisper*

Incestous relationships between Catherine and Chris.

All together now: OH MY.

Haha, you're so funny.
Mmm-hmm.

The Toast

The lights were not too harsh as they winked a few times then stayed. The people floating through mid-afternoon were unaware of what was going on.
Nobody really knows.
Glasses clanked together, as toasts were made, yes, toasts were made even at mid-afternoon, stupid, meaningless toasts, well wishes for a pair of boots.
People dressed as if at a photo shoot, polished as practiced before the mirror.
In the middle, an oasis sat, well-meaning amongst cruel intentions.
Innocent as a boy of six, wise like Mother Theresa, they sat surrounded by blanks.
She looked at him.
He looked at her.
Silently, they raised their glasses in similar conspiracy.
They reeked of drink.

Their eyes spoke of a plea.
A toast to ;
Silence.
Stillness.
Innovation.
Hidden beauty.
Truth in lies.

Life.

Together, they drank.
It will never be the same.

Big Mess

"Have you done anything fun?"

Not really.

"But, what changed?"

I don't know.

"Make sure you do it."

Yea, yea, no problem.

"What a mess. So sick and tired. Everything's bad, man."

Yea.

"Everything."

Yea. Can't you save it?"

"Yea, I can but..."


"I want to do something I want to do."

What do you want to do?

"I don't know."

"I've seen it all happen here. Everything just fell apart."

I'll bet.

Wash

I decided to let it go.

I seek you out,
look at the eyes that beseech you.
Stay, stay.
Why won't you.

It is so late in the day, yet I have done nothing. Confusion adds to the confusion and I am left with insanity. My words are cognizant to my mental state but perhaps it is the other way. I can't be too sure.
I need some help, and I need it fast.
I no longer make sense to myself.
But, no worries, that's not what I need help with.
Haha?

My handwriting, for some reason has become bigger. But that is not something you needed to know.

Here a few fun facts for you that now seem completely useless to me (forgive my pessimism!)

Faulkner wrote a piece of prose called Wash; a very ambiguous story about black men and white men. And what bastards white men can be.
It was so anti-postcolonial. Don't you think.

Faulkner was born on the 25th of September, just three days apart from the girl from Bali. I wonder if this explains why all their productiveness seemed unproductive and why they were continuously absorbed with their feelings and the nature of it. No?

Faulkner was the first born child to Murry and Maud Faulkner and had three other brothers. Of course, there would be no sensationalism in this world if William Cuthbert Faulkner didn't turn out the strangest. Of course, he did.

Faulkner used to be Falkner, as it was for his forefathers. In 1918, he added the 'u' to his last name to adopt a British persona in order to get accepted to Canada for flight-training/war prep.
War prep- that should be a class we have to pass in school.
Bang.

Faulkner's whole life eerily resembled his great-grandfathers' life (who was a legend in Oxford by the way- the town, not the university), it almost seems as if he made it that way.
Yo, lo possibile.

Last fun fact of the day- i think I would be terribly let down if I get a terrible grade for terrorizing Modern Lit, but maybe it would be what I terribly deserve no?

I should go swimming on of these days, maybe it'll help clean my head.
That and I've had an absolute craving to do so. Ah yes, do you know what it feels like to crave chlorine?

Kehna Hai Kya

Today is a day that I can't even begin to explain, not even in English, the language I know best and that knows me best. Words hold no comfort, not even as I write them out.
Asking me what I'm wearing would not be funny right now.
Big news: I was probably a bit late in finding this out- the arcade in Giant Mall has closed down, no more offering some tension-releasing for this girl.

Because I fail you, and I fail myself in English, I turn to a language that is soothing in it's own way.



gumsum gumsum gup-chup
gumsum gum gup-chup
gumsum gumsum gup-chup gumsum gum gup-chup
halchal halchal kho ga'ii terii ho.nTH hai.n tere chup
khalbal khalbal kho ga'ii terii baiTHii hai tuu chup
pyaare pyaare chehare ne par de diya ishaara
dekha terii aa.nkho.n ne hai sapna koii pyaara
hamse gorii na tuu sharmaa kah de hamse zaraa...


kahana hii kya yeh nain ek anjaan se jo mile
chalne lage muhabbat ke jaise ye silsile
armaan naye aise dil me.n khile jinko kabhii mai.n na jaanuu.n
vo hamse ham unse kabhii na mile kaise mile dil na jaanuu.n
ab kya kare.n kya naam le.n kaise unhe.n mai.n pukaaruu.n


pahalii hii nazar me.n kuchh ham kuchh tum ho jaate hai.n yuu.n gum
naino.n se barse rimjhim ham pe pyaar ka saavan
sharm thoRii thoRii hamko aa'e to nazare.n jhuk jaa'e.n
sitam thoRa thoRa ham pe shokh hawaa bhii kar jaa'e
aisii chale aa.nchal uRe dil me.n ek tuufaan uTHe
ham to luT ga'e khaRe hii khaRe


in ho.nTHo.n ne maa.nga sargam sargam tuu aur tera hii pyaar hai
aa.nkh DHuu.nRHe hai jisko hardam hardam tuu aur tera hii pyaar hai
mahafil me.n bhii tanha hai dil aise dil aise
tujhe khona de Darta hai yeh aise yeh aise
aaj milii aisii khushii jhuum uTHii duniya yeh merii
tumko paaya to paayii zi.ndagii

kahna hii kya yeh nain ek anjaan se jo mile
chalne lage muhabbat ke jaise ye silsile
kahna hii kya

To The Beat

Tell myself to let go, not possible with this information overload.
So many words, too many emotions, pitter-patter on my heart,
leaving me half-baked, and I sigh.
I shake with fear, breathing is hard these days.
Staring at the wall, autistic to every call,
of the outside world, feels natural to ignore.
I scream, in vain,
Let me in, let me in.
I pray,
Let me in, let me in.
I forgive,
and I hear you scream.
Let me in, let me in.

Let me go, to the flow, to the beat of all around me.
Let me fly, fly fly fly,
Away.
Away.
and away.

In This Life

"Had she come all the way for this, / To part at last without a kiss?" [The Haystack in the Floods].
-William Morris (1834-1896)
He speaks of confusion, a man's frustration about understanding women, and a lover's anguish of an unfinished goodbye.
If tomorrow never comes, Heaven forbid the first kiss be the last, give me something to remember you by.

"The laughing queen that caught the world's great hands." [The Nile]
-J.H. Leigh Hunt (1784-1859)
An observation of the carefree attitude in the woman, a great one, in the way she dominates the crowd, despite being a woman. Contemptous, but not necessarily in a bad way, drawn to her laughter and longs to be part of her court.

"If you become a nun, dear, / A friar I will be. [The Nun]
-J.H. Leigh Hunt (1784-1859)
Offering the last destitude of being a man; his freedom, willingly reader to part with it and commits to commitment. All in the name of love.

"Men will confess to treason , murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humour? [Essays, I]
-Frank Colby (1865-1925)
Speaks of the false armour that men hold up in times of crisis, tension and confrontation. Vital in facing life, they would rather die than be without it, perhaps?
Humour me, all you men.

Pin-prick

Patience is a virtue, and I am not there yet. Forgive me, but I too, have limits.
It hurts, although it shouldn't. Your words are meaningless, yet they shoot. They don't miss.
Somehow I think the goal was acheived. It accomplished it's desired effect, because I have swallowed your insults and they lie in my stomach, not moving not stirring. They stay in the pit, and when they try to stretch, it hurts.

It hurts.

But I know you don't have what I have. And that is, the ability to think before speaking. I feel that perhaps you lost it when you were growing up. Perhaps you lost it in the laundry. Or maybe you never had it at all.
I have heard many things from you, but nothing that makes sense to me, not much of it. I have heard nothing that I would admire, hardly anything.

I commited to a fantasy.
You are the reality.
I was let down.

I made a mistake with you, and for that I will always be sorry for. But I would never regret it. Because I feel that regret is a useless emotion.
But I know, God has mercy.

And I know that you cannot harm me, with your words or otherwise.
No good shall come out of threatening me.
I am not afraid of you, you talk big but you are very small indeed.
I pity you, something I never wanted to do.

Pity is a sad word, like the loneliest dog in the world. Thin, handicapped and wet from the rain.
But still not as bad as you.

I keep your words with me. Against you.
Just. In. Case.

Forgive my bitterness, I needed to let this out. I am alright though, thank you.

I Forgot

You ever experienced visiting an old place, somewhere you haven't been to in years?
Like your old high school, or your former house, or seeing your ex-boyfriend's car.
You ever get that wave of deja-vu and the whoosh of nostalgia?
I should think so.
One thing though, nostalgia, is just nostalgia. But it doens't mean that it's always the good kind. There's the bad kind where you can feel the light bulb blinking on in your head and you silently say to yourself : THIS is what it was like. Ohhhhhh.....

Now I remember.

And with this quiet thought, a million others spill out, below the lightbulb, flashing by you in neon. Some pink, some green. Some even yellow.
This is why I didn't really like this place.
This is why I vowed never to come back.
This is why I never really felt at home.

The worst one hits the last, but it's always the most painful.
"Then what in the world am I doing here?!"

I felt this way, not too long ago.

Someday I will tell you a tale. But not right now.
I think I gotta try again later. I seem to be doing this more often.

My Glass is Half-Full

A productive day, yet it has been.

I paid a visit to the library, eager to finish my literary magazine. Now I do not want it to end. I want to spend endless hours researching on Faulkner and his interesting profile. I want to add a footnote on what an antithesis his work was, in light of feminism.
It was lovely to be in the library. Only had a few hours there, as I had to return home to have a study session for stats with a friend. Which is good, because I so needed that. Nyahaha. That was satisfying too, we covered alot in about four and a half hours. I guess the fact that we had each other gave us that extra push- we hear the crack of the whip. WHIP.

Today Mr. Big Shot's mom thanked me. This gesture melted my heart, if I had not been behind the wheel, knowing me, I would have choked up. What did I do in return to that comment? I let out a nervous laughter while smirking at Big shot himself. Hah. Not the way it was supposed to come out.
But everyone knows this, you heard me say it.
You don't thank family.
I have a really big family. Thats alot of thanks I don't get. Nyahaha. Joke, joke.
I don't expect a thank you, because I believe I don't do much to deserve it. But I am not complaining, it is nice to hear. Politeness, policy, remember?

Received an email from donna dalla' Bali. It was long and painful to read, like an essay on ways to reserve a dam. I replied with an equally painful email, probably.
Do people deserve to know the truth from others? Is it our place to give advise? I really don't know, because I have never been in such a situation, neither have I met anybody like him.
However, instincts tell me that I am not doing anything wrong by voicing out what I'm saying. I believe that I am making sense, but then again, I could be wrong.

Must eat, must sleep, and must read Faulkner.
Must must must.

Three more days til book sale, Syar!
Anticipation? Check.

Special Note to Syar

To Syar:

this post is dedicated to you.

After reading your latest entry in you blog, leaving a comment didn't seem enough.
Even though I am studying psychology, I do not consider myself an expert, so don't worry, you're not about to get a lecture on clinical depression.
I will say something about that though.
I do not mean to make this sound like a stereotypical statement, so forgive me if it comes that way:
I believe, with sufficient knowledge about you, after knowing you for just about 6 years, that you are just not the kind of girl who would go down that road. I think that you are far too smart to literally sit around and do nothing. However, having said that, it is not impossible.
But, looking at you, (besides the fact that you're the most organized teenager I know), I truly admire you because you have that much will-power. Forget the fact that you're systematic, it's the will power, the sheer drive you have that makes me quite sure that you don't have to worry about what you're worrying.

The warehouse sale? I was hoping that you would notice that. I put it up so that you can see that you have ONE thing to look forward too. A whole hall filled with books (fantasy genre, if you like) is just the thing you need, right? We share the same love for reading, so if you're as excited as I am, we can safely say that now you have something to look forward to.

And dear, whatever it is that you are worried about, true it may seem silly to me, or to other people, but it's real and nobody can push it aside.
I know you'll deal with it, but while you are, I and a whole bunch of other people are right here with you.

But you know that already.

Much love,
Mil

Having Said This

Morning, morning,
is coming about.
Let's rise and stir,
scream and shout!

Wee, wee. Excuse me and my rhyming, it is almost 6a.m. and I am barely awake. My lovely procrastination left me here and I am suffering it's wholeness.
My anger from two days ago has left me, but not without an appreciation for decency. Sometimes we tend to take politeness and etiquette for granted, but I see now how all these things are important. They are especially important for us to pass along; to our kids, to our brothers, sisters and so on. I figure it is not so much of etiquette (makes you think of table manners ei?) but rather knowing that there are limits and boundaries which one should not cross.
People have limits. I know I tend to forget this. But that's besides the point, I'm not talking about pushing the patience limit, I'm talking about politeness. To lie is one thing, but to be polite (for the sake of of the other person's feelings) is another. Nobody's asking you to conjure up big lies or make up stories when you know it's not true. No, I am asking you to be nice, to behave. I am asking you to mind your manners.
My knowledge concerning etiquette is limited. Yes, I believe my parents taught me proper table manners when I was 11, but I still have certain manners that are probably not all that acceptable. For example, I tend to talk while I'm eating. I know it's horrible, so I try to keep my mouth shut. Yes that is possible, thank you very much.
But from where I come from, these kind of things matter, and I am starting to learn why. Forgetting etiquette is forgivable, in my opinion. However, on to politeness. As I said, it IS important, and my parents never failed to harp on this. Say please, say thank you. Don't be rude. Yet, how can someone forget all this and do the exact opposite? This still baffles me really.
I know people who do not know how to say thank you, and this has pissed me off before. But again, in my head it is alright. Because in the end, they come to the realization by themselves. It is not my business to tell them.
But it is my business if this person is my brother. He has to know these things. I am proud to say that although he forgets sometimes, he is learning and I know he will turn out alright. He better.
Is it my business if this person is my friend? No, not really. But if this person has offended me in a major way, should I keep this information to myself?
When my judgment was clouded with emotion, I thought that this person should know. Thinking about it, I still feel the same way, however, I could still be affected.
And it wasn't so much about saying please or thank you. It was about crossing that invisible line that everybody knows is there.
You just don't say certain things. You should know by now.
Who is to blame, the parents? The person itself? Or the heat of the moment? In this case, I would say the moment however, it is certainly a poor excuse.
I would like to think better of this person, but these events have made this harder.
But who am I to judge.

Excuse me for the long post.
On a lighter note, Pay Less Books is having a Warehouse Sale and I am going to invade it this Friday. Can not wait. =)

Goodnight all.

Fictionism

After reading so many books, you tend to realize a few things. One thing in particular that stood out to me is how the girl realizes the guy is so right for her. That no matter what, she always gets drawn back to the guy in the end. Psych thrillers, romance novels, horror, anything. Love seems to be a main, if not central theme that runs in the book.

And it makes me wonder, what if he isn't the one? The lady always seems so sure. Instinctually, she seems to know. I'm sure it's been done. Novels where love is explored, analysed, taken apart, yet put back together.

I'm sure there's been a novel where the guy and the girl don't get together. But nobody likes those endings, do they?
Happy endings seem so satisfying, because in real life it's not that simple. So the authors, knowing exactly what to say use this to their advantage.
They give us what we want.

This is certainly a cliche topic but I know now why people always talk about this.
Maybe what should be kept in mind is, that we have not reached the end. So, to have hope is a good thing, no?
We don't know how it's all going to turn out in the end.
Because there's always tomorrow. Almost always anyway.

But, out of curiousity, how might a novel or a short story where the guy and the girl don't re-unite, how would it go?
Perhaps something like this.

Part #1
She listened as he continued to ramble, the unspoken thoughts of a boy, coming of age. Words burst forth, like a volcanic eruption. It seemed like he held back around other people, but let loose with her.
Why?
At times like this she wish he wouldn't. It was all too much to take.
Profanities are bitter and shocking, but perhaps we should be numb to it. Who doesn't swear these days?
He was on the phone, as was she, but her thoughts lead her back to the past.
Their past.

One thing that stood out in her memory was the burning image of their hands entertwined. The silence that often peppered their conversations was not at all uncomfortable. It was soothing, like the breeze from the ocean. The beach where they had spent their time. Looking back, she was foolish to get caught up in the fantasy that they were.
A fantasy that she thought was the reality that was too good to be true.
Too goddamned good to be true.
But the silence was not. She knew him from somewhere. She had met him before, she was certain. Like a childhood memory that shocks you after it comes back to you many years later.
A memory so sweet and so familiar, as he was.
Indeed it was sweet.

Now, she is put off. How can I love you? she asks. Over and over again. How can I love someone like you. I cannot love you blindly, even though love is supposed to be blind.
I cannot love you unconditionally, because I have to think about the future.
But isn't love like that?


That was so unpolished. Continue? Nah.

Wait Please

Piss me off once, I can push it aside.
Piss me off twice, I'll still understand you.
Piss me off thrice, I get annoyed, but still ok.

Piss me off after calling my family names?

Then you're just low.
Neither are you decent, neither are you fit to even talk to me or anybody else for that matter.
Don't think I'll forget this time.

If you think you even have the nerve to try and approach me, just try me.
Make sure you do it while I'm driving so I actually run you over.
People say I'm dangerous in the car.
Not without reason.

Oh boy, you fucked up.
So bad.

I prayed for you. I will still pray for you.
Pray that you burn over some charcoal.

No. I still am me. I could never hate anyone. But you make it so easy.

So right now all I want to do give you my glare.
That is all.
Because there's no way in hell you wouldn't know what that means.
Don't ever mess with my family, you FREAK.
Sorry, I can't hide it. This is how I feel right now. I'll try again later.

You immature insecure piece of crap.

Pres-ant-ashun

Should I mention all the chauvinists?
Or just one.
Wish me luck. I'm going to go all out.
BANG.

Pick One

Latest update on Mil's computer:
The Encarta Reference Library Premium (version 2005)!!
Yay! (?)
It has lovely references to short stories and tiny mentions (which I'm not so happy about!) of the feminist criticism. But that can be changed ei?
All thanks to an unwelcome guest staying at my house this week. He is leaving next Monday however, and the CD goes with him. Damn?

I just finished reading Sparks' Message in a Bottle, and this was done without any, I repeat, ANY tears. Even though it was quite tragic. His style of writing, sad to say in most of his books are quite cliche, it is not particularly gripping like, say Irving. The only reason I liked A Walk to Remember was because of the storyline. I think we all like to believe that a 17 year old boy could be changed by a girl. I think it is probably a fantast alot of us women have.
Even though we would never admit it.
It is a common fallacy when starting a relationship, to assume that the man will change, and only on the basis of his undying love for the girl. That, however, rarely happens. And it shouldn't happen anyway.
People should change for their own good, and not for anybody else. It doesn't work that way does it?

In the book, Garrett sounds likes such a fantasy. I guess he was for me because of how closely connected his life was to the ocean. He lived on the beachfront, was a diving instructor and was pretty much born and raised near the ocean. How exciting is that? How amazingly great is that? To wake up to the shounds of the waves, to have the perfect view whenever you wanted it?

It is no surprise then, that right now, I ache for the beach.
Once, a long time ago, when I was quite little, my family (my Grandma, my dad, and I believe my Mom, Luvesh wasn't around yet) took a trip to Penang. On the way there, my Grandma had a desire to meet with this priest, whom she had heard alot about, who could give accurate readings about a person.
Me, personally, I believe that these things should be taken with a grain of salt. What he said, or what anybody like him says is not the principle gospel of our lives.
So, it was not planned, but they decided that they wanted to hear a reading for me too, after they were done with themselves. Me being really little, could not rebel or form any sort of protest, I was probably just swinging my legs idly and annoying everybody with my childish restlessness.
I do not remember everything that Grandma talked about, but I remember something my Dad told me immediately after the reading was taken that haunts me with the hilarious irony of it all. The priest had accurately said that I love the water, meaning the oceans and all it's counterparts. However, he warned my Dad that it would be dangerous for me to go too deep into it. He advised my Dad to not let me go too deep into the ocean and stick to the shallow bits.

I remember being slightly miffed when my Dad told me this, but I must have forgotten all about it. Years later when I was at the beach, my Dad told me again, and I recall it now. If there ever was an irony of my life, that would be it.

Sometimes I ponder if the priest was talking about me in metaphorical terms. Don't let her go into the deep end.
He never said what would happen though.

However, I can't help but still be attracted to this natural wonder. How can one not be?
The beach is so appealing to me, that I could never imagine not wanting to go as far and away as possible to sink into its depths of mystified beauty.

Proceed With Caution

It is the battlefield and I am in charge.
I select the sleekest gun available and I prepare to;
shoot your brains out.

I never believed in violence, but people say there is a first for everything.
I will grip that damn gun and make it an extension of my hand. I will know all its curves by heart and would have memorised its shape. It fits perfectly in my hand. It looks great too.
I look great too, legs apart, feet firmly planted on a mishapen picture of your face, each feet on each blown-up eye belonging to you. My triumphant feet are clad in black leather, as the rest of me.

Everything seems to be perfect as I stand in my hate.
But.

It doesn't feel right.
Slowly, I lower the gun. I take off my mask and shake my hair out. I take out a mirror and watch two teardrops glisten on my cheek. Even more slowly, I angle the mirror so it reflects you perfectly. I expect to see a smiling face, walking towards me, ready to entertain me with your next joke.
Instead.

I see nothing. Neither do I see anything remotely connected to you, or any parts of your body come floating towards me. I don't see anything for the next hour either.
Then I realize,

You were never there.
And you aren't coming, either.

Closing Both Eyes

Wanting to go,
So far away,
'Til I'm nothing,
but a tiny dot.

In your eyes,
though,
that's all I am,
anyway.

To wait for a ,
miracle,
stops making sense,
after all this while.

To finish what I began,
today,
seems too far off,
a concept.

Let me go.

Friday

Funny story: my tiny world came to an end yesterday when I realized that I have been spelling weird as 'wierd' almost my entire life.

I'm kidding, but it was an interesting realization. However, it was funnier when I suggested that perhaps it's different for American and British and I was greeted with 4 outraged NO!'s.
Sometimes it's funny when I unsuspectingly make an ass out of myself. Oh well, you live and you learn.

Thank goodness I know how to spell Friends. Right? That's how you spell friends right? RIGHT?!

MWAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I'm doing it again.

Tis' another lovely Friday, hotter than earlier, but nevertheless lovely. Am deciding between the book store and the library. It's tougher than you think when you consider the fact that they BOTH have books in them. Only difference with the bookstore is I get to walk out with a book I can call MINE forever.
I get creepier by the day don't I. But the clove writer can outdo me in that department anytime. Just playin, girly. Heehee.

The girl from Bali strikes again. I have to almost force myself not to get affected. How does one do that? How do you not let your emotions take over? Agreed that many people seem to have their emotions safely controlled and monitored. But I doubt that's very easy. And for all we know, they go home and cry their eyes out at the end of the day, or... kill small animals. Haha, how very stereotypical of a serial killer. Bad joke, you will have to excuse me.

I am aware that my posts are getting more ambiguous and wierder by the day. Forgive me.
Sometimes I am not aware of certain thoughts in my head but they come out through my fingers and I would have to push the delete button to finally get rid of them, forever.

Give Me A 'Plod

Allow me to say something on behalf of us ladies. No matter how hard we try to stay positive during Lady in Red, it doesn't always work out. And yes, I am aware that Lady in Red sounds incredibly lame but it is quite an apt description. And I have surrendered to the back aches, the head aches and the cramps therefore nothing is functioning right.

In a day so slow and so frustrating, I bring a single piece of good news.
My friend returned Spark's A Walk to Remember to me today. I have gotten into re-reading my favourite books just for the sheer comfort it brings me. No doubt this one will do it's magic.

Props to a group member in my language class for thinking of brilliant ideas for our Italian play. Now comes the damned part of writing the script. It'll be fun no?
Thank you Payal for being the angel that you are. You should not be treated the way you are. If you let me, I will use my powers (ok my good right hook) to assassinate your group members. Only the bad ones. I love you!

Disappointment is abundant, but it should not be. Today I was shocked into scary recognition from the one that I fatefully met.
Sometimes I wish things were different, that is why the disappointment remains, and the tears fall unashamed. At times.
Harsh words were spoken, she was shaken, the boy is forsaken, words remain hidden.
Damn, I'm rhyming again.

Thank you to all, and to all a goodnight.
the Sound of Music is such a lovely film ain't it? (It is the comfort valence again, that's all).

So Damn Much

A few thanks to give out-

Thank you Syar for visiting my lowly abode, lol I didn't tell you because...well I don't know. I just began. I've only just begun!! Yes, do not be afraid.

Thank you to the clove smoker who asked me if I was still melancholy. It was very sweet of you. Unfortunately, the hormones act up again, so I think I'm getting back to that damned state of mind.

Thank you to the Ming-a-ling-the-ba-da-BOOM for sharing my tears. Don't cry baybeh. We'll laugh about it tomorrow. Congrats on your successful presentation. ;)

Thank you to everyone else who bothers to check up here.

Today I got a phone call. I thought it was you.

I am in denial but not in the way you think I am.
Too many things to state to actually state it.
Signing off.

Dangerous

Saturday looked beautiful. I was happy, excited and thrilled because I was finally going to be able to spend some time with someone I dearly missed. Of course, like in all the books, this person is oblivious.
Driving at 4.30pm, slightly aggravated- make that a lot aggravated. Driving fast, instinct telling me something was going to be in my way. She was right again. On that long stretch of road (19/1) a black Honda Jazz decided to neither look right nor left and coincide with my car. We collided to the orchestra of my shrill Kancil horn. I watched my shaking fingers guide the car to the side of the road (where a collage of men with nothing to do decided to gape at my profound cursing). I heard the way my mouth let loose a string of profanities. I felt the anger in my head, the way it boiled at my temples and reached for my lively dance beat of a heart.
I checked out the damage. Was not bad at all.

I approached the car as a tiger might encircle his prey. I was hungry for confrontation. I am not one for it usually. The lady had the audacity to ask me to wait for her brother. My fists were curled up as she told me I was going fast. I know I was, but you're supposed to look BOTH ways, smart ass?!

Damn, I was pissed. I don't remember the last time I was that pissed. My mom conveniently told me to call my Dad as she was at a very important meeting- at the hair saloon.
Jesus, Mom I didn't know you cared that much.
My Dad took extra long to answer his phone. I could already feel the unwelcome prick of tears.
Everybody's too goddamned busy.

TOO GODDAMNED BUSY.

Once I had to carry out a trial run for an experiment. My mom reluctantly surrendered herself to me. Of course, she ruined it by asking too many questions. She kept on telling me she couldn't hear the audio clip. She failed the test.
Running to Dad, eager to have another subject, was greeted by a simple, Oh no, I'm too tired. Please.

NOT TODAY.

My mom asks me why my room is in a mess. I want to ask her why her life, why our lives are in a mess. Everything has to be socially desirable. Social. Desirable.

I had no idea I was this angry. I thought I was happy because I finished a Counseling Assignment and spent the last two hours watching Pretty Woman, a brilliant movie by the way.
Boy, was I wrong.
No, wait. I am happy, if not that, then satisfied.
I don't need to be Happy off my rockers Happy.

Just happy would do.

If you're a workaholic then you don't go through phases. You'll be busy all the time. Everyday, all day, all year round. You'll forget the time, you'll be living through it. You'll forget what day it is and what month it is. You'll say '07 instead of '06. You'll be ahead. That ain't such a good thing.

How do you know it won't be like this, 10 years down the road? Will you still be here, or will you be too deep into it, so much so that you won't know I crawled out the back door?
Will you still be here?
A better question, would I ?

Million-dollar question: Is it even worth it.

Trying Again

I have been quite unproductive these days and this is never good, is it? Changes like these happen only for one reason: me. It is not right for us to blame events, people, circumstances, incidents for our own change in thoughts, feelings and behavior. Yet, in our weakest moments, we do just that.

"It is your fault that I screwed up the way I did. ALL YOUR FAULT."

"I couldn't concentrate because of what you did to me. ALL YOUR FAULT."

"I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I couldn't do shit after I talked to
you. ALL YOUR FAULT."

This makes me think of that qoute from Roosevelt: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If nobody can make us feel inferior than nobody has the power to influence our feelings. Of course, to a certain extent, they do, because we care. We care because there is love. But why should love mess anything up? The word is tossed around so carelessly, yet we remain as selfish as hate itself.

I just got good news from a friend: the counseling assignment is only due on Monday which means I can finish it off nicely and start with my most anticipated assignment: the literary magazine. Am starting to think that I should change my major. I just don't have the same excitement for psychology that I get in Modern Lit class. Of course those two are linked, which makes it all the more better.

I love being a nerd.

I know that I'm feeling crappy because I have been keeping things inside. I have not had closure as is always suggested. This is because I want to refrain from being selfish as I have always been. But maybe keeping it all in is not the best way. Well, there's always writing, innit.

A note to my right hand: I am sorry I took the plunge yesterday (by that I mean at Astaka field.) But I am thankful because you are so kind to me. You always were. I love you to bits.

A note to the separated lovebirds: Love you both in different ways. I am sorry if I have been hostile. That's just my face, I was born with it. Eeks. HAHAHA. No, I am sorry I do not mean to be. The separation has been hard to deal with in many ways. But life goes one, the world is your oyster. Talk to me okay, am always here for the both of you. We are family.

A note to everyone else: I have been shutting myself out, been busy, but I should take the time out to spend it with you. Because that's what counts in life.

And now for the hardest note- to the big shot: What do I say, I have already said the thing that has been looming over our heads for the past few months. Are we, are we not. Not, I said. To me though, that is not an issue right now because regardless of what we are, you still are something in my life, I cannot shut you out. Even now when I barely see you, it is hard to forget. However it is not easy to remember that you have priorities. And one of these are certainly not eating or sleeping. Will not start. Just want to say- You are at the prime of your life. If you don't sit back and take it slow once in awhile, you will regret it when you're older, even when you're surrounded by expensive cars and beautiful houses.

Sometimes I feel like I've already lost you to the mundane thing we call 'work'.

With that said, I hope I don't regret this tomorrow.

I don't think I will: I don't think I should have socially desirable answers to everything.

I love you all, forgive me if I have stung you.

As for now, I feel better, and this will improve when I decide to share even more.

Sharing is caring, no? Hee hee goodnight.

Let Us Go

I wonder what makes me censor myself when I don't have to. Why should I shut out my own feelings when I should be letting them go, writing them out, not hiding it away in a forgotten closet.

It is time to come clean. I feel like crap. I don't know why I bothered lying to myself. Is it because that I should have no reason to feel this way? Perhaps. But perhaps not. However this doesn't mean I have to focus on my feelings of crappiness. I can make myself better. Why dwell on crappiness ei. Is that even how you spell crappiness- I wouldn't know, in fact I am new to writing about the crap that I feel.

I am aware that I'm babbling. Aware that I'm trying to stop myself from writing out the truth.
I don't want to protect you anymore.
But now when I want to come clean, I don't know what to say. James was right, creativity is influenced by emotions. Right now an appropriate description for my emotions would be BLEURGHAAAAAAAAAAGH.

I think I'll try again later.

Jump

I want to talk about the crappy weather. But not before telling you about the jam. I want to bitch about the workload. And all this would lead to?... Nothing.
I don't even want to complain because I don't have a right. I have a theory- There are 6billion people (and counting) in the world, why talk about myself? That doesn't mean though that I don't do this. Everyone needs to have some form of catharsis, even private people.
It's 2am and I've got a whole highway ahead of me. It's lightweight though and I drive fast. wink.
I am currently reading Dreams of Sleep by Josephine Humphrey and already I have listed it as one of my favourite books. It is about how a woman silently watches her husband having an affair and how she reacts and everybody else involves reacts to it. Must say though, if I had to analyse this story using a theory I would definitely use feminist criticism, and there is no doubt about this. This is because that there is so many uses of patriarchal ideology in this book that I actually feel like I need to yell at the author. It is quite degrading, however I am quite sure that the author did this on purpose to make the story all the more believable. Guess what, it worked. It adds an almost extreme side to the man's character which is already quite extreme, in the sense of quite destructive behavior.
One thing I have to say, when reading Humphrey, I found myself comparing her to Roy. I was quite shocked as I never thought I would compare anybody to Roy. Humphrey's writing style is quite similar because both of them use alot of similes for descriptions, and they do it extremely well. I like how their similes are so comforting and familiar because they use everyday things that we encounter or used to encounter. Now that I come to think of it, their books are like a big warm blanket because they both have children in it, however the children in Roy's book play a bigger part. But children in general are comforting, no?
Another thing though, Humphrey's choice of words are not as shocking and truthful as Roy's, including the similes. Roy is brutal in that sense, she definitely crossed many boundaries in her book. Humphrey seems slightly more cautious and wants to break her news more gently to her readers. I can't wait to finish it and start on Wide Sargasso Sea. Miss Wei Lyn lent this book to me after I eyed it for a whole minute. Haha.
Wide Sargasso Sea looks promising because it is sort of a prequel to Jane Eyre. More on that later. I wonder though, if Humphrey made a sequel to Dreams of Sleep from the narrative of the Reese children.

I wonder.