It's About Damn Time

I loved picking up the remnants of petals, that were scattered lovingly inside my car; groping around my car to get them all made me be afraid of running out of petals to pick up but there would always be one more that I didn't see earlier. It was everywhere; on the dirty floor mats (somehow remaining untouched and without dirt), on the backseat, between the seats.

I am also the lucky recipient of Simone de Beauvoir's the Second Sex - fully and totally unabridged! Just reading the Introduction was enough to blow my mind. I have a Bible now!

I am jobless, as of yesterday at 7p.m (funny thing is I still owe them one article - oh well, some things don't change). There are moments in a day where I'll get little bouts of panic or I'll be gripped by that foreign thing called fear. But I think I'll be just fine.

If nothing else, I'm happy to have a few days/weeks to clean because I think it's about damn time.

Defeat Before Confrontation

It really bugs me when I experience negativity. At the risk of sounding like a New Age freak, it throws my whole being off balance and I find I need to readjust myself in case I fall off my precarious pole of naive beliefs. Am I naive for advocating positivity? Maybe. Do you laugh at people like that? Possibly.

But it irks me when people give up before even trying. It really just defeats the whole point of life. Also, what does it mean when you say you've failed? Doesn't it just mean that you gave up a few tries ago?

Just because you are uncomfortable experiencing rejection, disappointment, let-downs and No's doesn't mean that you can avoid it for the rest of your life. It is part of life. The point is that you tried. I think I've become fairly thick-skinned after working in the servicing industry and having to deal with angry white folks who didn't get their take-away on time. An extremely stressful period over the weekend when I had first started out my second waitressing job at Perth. It was maybe only the second weekend rush that I had experienced, having been thrown at the cashier station after little practice. I have a slow learning curve (no shock there, I am generally a slow person, yes I am the last person eating at almost every family meal) thus I usually am upfront about how long it might take me to learn something. But once I do, there is almost no problem.

So, there I was standing there like a fool, my mouth gaping at the stream of customers that invaded our small restaurant after 7p.m. And I panicked badly. My hands were shaking, my heart was beating fast and my throat slightly raw from screaming into the kitchen to call my co-worker. It wasn't the best of times. But if I hadn't been put on the war-zone, I never would have learnt how to be fast and how to respond to customers. Barely a year passed before I decided to set my sights on something bigger - and managed to, thanks to the informal but handy training I got from this small restaurant.

Persevere in rough times, and you'll reap rewards later. Oh and screw the naysayers.

Limbo

Sixth day. I don't wake up craving it anymore. My mind is still a little confused, having been imprinted with the effects of nicotine. I don't think minds forget so easily, but I do know that I can adapt - most human beings can actually. It's a hungover from evolutionary times; to be able to adapt to almost any environment, to any routine, with any people. Why be afraid of change right?

I know I'm still being watched like a hawk though. Perhaps, I am expected to relapse because statistics say that smokers usually need between 2-4 attempts to finally quit for good. Relapses can happen anytime, especially with the trigger of bad news. Another fact I learnt is that smokers who were dependent on the cigarette during times of stress, frustration or anger, will find it harder to stop as there is no alternate way to manage stress for the moment. I was one of these smokers. I would crave a cigarette whenever Mom's nagging got the better of me, or when I needed a break from writing at work. The workplace is usually a source of stress, especially with deadlines and catty colleagues. But it doesn't have to be this way. As cheesy as this sounds, I just need a way to manage stress; one that doesn't include popping a plum tablet in my mouth even.

How do you manage stress, aside from the obvious breathing techniques? I remember as a teenager, back then before I tried cigarettes, my grandmother said something awful to me. She meant well, I think but I got upset (stupid swinging teenage hormones, I swear!) and ran from the dinner table in typical dramatic flair. I went to my room and sat in the corner. Finally, I reached over to push play on my CD player and Switchfoot's Dare you to Move came on. It was a song about moving along even after getting beaten down. Grandma might not have beaten me, but the music soothed me, like ice-cold lemonade to a parched throat.

I'm remembering what I was like when I was young - before cigarettes (maybe cigarettes helped the growing up process - I thought I was so cool, smoking along with my peers in college). I used to enjoy food, used to run around and be active a lot more, used music as an escape and I didn't need to get intoxicated to have a good time.

I always said I never wanted to grow up. It's time I regressed and found out why I eventually ended up selling out.

Resisting the Urge

So it's the third day of my new life as a non-smoker and I have to say despite the crazy urges and almost giving up, I've made it this far. Never in the past six years have I gone this long without a cigarette and perhaps there was a time when I thought I could never do it.

I am drinking coffee right now and this is possibly the hardest challenge thus far. Coffee is like my morning booze and you know what goes very well with booze, yes those pretty little cancer sticks. Here are some things that have really helped me in the past three days:

1. Meditating/ taking deep breaths.
2. Distracting myself with almost anything, be it a phone call, talking to a friend, singing out loud (especially in the car which used to be my favourite place to smoke) and cursing cigs.
2. Eating 'asam' tablets, or better known as plum. This has helped immensely with the cravings; something about those tiny Pikin sourish circles that give me some sort of oral satisfaction.
3. Physical exercise, like badminton and swimming.
4. Listening to heavy metal and air drumming along (and cursing cigs as well).
5. Listening to calming music (when the cursing is over).
6. Thinking about how proud everyone will be of me.
7. Thinking of all the people who were skeptical (here's a middle finger to you, no seriously, stop dripping your negativity all over my clean sheets of positive energy, ASSHOLE).
8. Drinking or munching on something. I find even drinking something like soy bean helps me forget I want to smoke.
9. Creating new things to do to fill the time I used to spend smoking.
10. Pretending I have a stick between my fingers, putting the imaginary thing in my mouth and taking a long and satisfying puff (as stupid as I look, this really works).

I'll write more about my experience in the coming days. I feel like cigarettes have been my long-time lover and I am trying to get over this pack of stamina-robbing twigs. I think about them almost the whole day and I am longing for a day when I can finally say "I'm over you." And so help me God, I will.

My New Life As a Non-Smoker

So I finally took the plunge and decided to quit cigarettes. My reasons for this involved many things, of which include mortality, my Dad's mortality, the people I love, my poor lungs and hey, why not nurture my singing voice?

Today was the first day and it was a good challenge. More often than not, I felt like a fighter, putting my nose down at cigarettes and proud to be able to say NO! Other times got me thinking wistfully of these sticks, distant from a lost friend. I wrote a goodbye letter last night, and in it I put out the fact that cigarettes were like a friend to me, especially in my darkest hours. There was some sort of emotional attachment to a overrated box of cancer twigs. But I persevered, much to the surprise of many friends perhaps. My persona for the past six years had somehow gelded with cigarettes; many people associate me with Salems; one almost always in my hand, especially after meals or between work. Cigarettes were part of my routine, how I decided where to eat and and a constant companion especially on long car drives. In fact, my car had never known me as a non-smoker, having witnessed the many puffs I would take as I coast down a Malaysian highway, or crawl through a Malaysian jam. For 6 years, I held hands with cigarettes and now it is all over.

The bigger part of me is extremely happy, and has already planned many things to replace the habit (think lollipops). A small teeny tiny part of me is sad, because it feels like an era gone by. But even an era will eventually fade. And I have to remember that the good has to outweigh the bad and perhaps my trusted ciggies are more bad than good. Most definitely, I should say.

It's 2012 and the time has come to make some overhauls. The only thing I'm bringing with me from 2011 is the phrase "Why not?" Let's rock this joint.

Brand-worship Starts Early

As a human being, I am insulted at the level of entertainment in the mainstream media. I feel like the creators behind this trash assume that the human race is stupid. If you look around properly, you may be able to understand why they think that way. But I believe we've all been duped, brainwashed, spoken down to and made to believe that this is the only way the world works. In January next year, a Mexican company will be bringing Kidzania to Malaysia. The premise of this 'edutainment' place is quite intriguing. Create a space for children where they pretend to be grown-ups, trying out different jobs, earning a salary and buying daily needs. "Wow, what a concept!" I thought. And kids LOVE to pretend that they're grown up. I remember clearly a time when I stupidly wanted to hurry up and be an adult so I could go to cool parties, stay out late at night and consume alcohol. Kids want to grow up fast because they think being an adult is a ball. They never find out about the ugly catch of course. So, Kidzania sounds good right; definitely a viable business. You bet your ass it is. Because they're replicating the real world, banks where the kids open their accounts are operated by CIMB. Brands went a bit nuts crawling all over Kidzania and putting out their brands. Elsewhere, Proctor and Gamble was involved to teach kids how to wash their hands. And of course, the spokesperson for P&G said that the aim was to hope that the kids would grow up remembering and eventually purchasing their brand when they grew up. This is really quite a genius move. Get the kid to remember happy childhood memories, which are now associated with P&G; and of course they're going to buy your soap, they're now officially emotionally attached to your product. Well done. Kinda creeps me out honestly. That's like brainwashing right from the start; teaching kids to be devoted to the brand from an early age. I don't know about this whole brand thing to be honest. I'm a little uneasy at the blatant advertising, but then again I'm not a friend of the current system of capitalism (it's totally screwed up, no one can deny that). The idea of advertising to kids then, you can imagine, leaves me frowning at the screen and squirming in my seat. This was brought up in a well-written piece in Newsweek but no further questioning was done. Because that's just the way things are. Banks exist, the job market exists and a fight to get a degree exists too. As usual, the system is left unquestioned. Well, now I ask you though. If you could re-create the world, how would you do it? As for me, I certainly wouldn't allow CIMB bank into my kid's world. Also, don't get me wrong, I'm not living in a bubble. Yes, this is the way the world works, and no doubt, Kidzania teaches responsibility and certainly educates a child, while allowing some creativity loose because they're allowed to be anything they want (well, as far as the job scope in Kidzania goes). There is also a Kidzania government who meet once in awhile, so hopefully that increases social justice awareness (I'd be curious to go in and take a look - and I'll try not to look like a creepy kid-stalker). But what about re-imagining the world? What if we had billboards with informative things on them, instead of a blown up image of Brad Pitt posing for some luxury brand? What if we could write out messages, what if graffiti was more appreciated? What if we could plant trees where the land is barren? What if we could refrain from using paper? What if we could really follow our passions? What if we imagined what we WOULD do if profit wasn't involved? Why stick to our boring real-world situation of collapsing financial structure and a stifling job pyramid? But I suppose that's the whole point of Kidzania - replicating the world as we know it. But goddamn it sucks, the way we know it.

Propaganda

People will say almost anything to get you to do what they want, and I think this can be applied to the arena of jobs. An employer who is keen on hiring you, might be able to gauge what you want to hear and then feed you the appropriate lines. I think I can be easily convinced and this is not a good trait to possess. Now that I know though, I would like to take steps to think for myself and weigh options carefully before making a decision. Are you easily influenced? There's nothing wrong with admitting it and I think to a certain degree, most human beings are, even if they deny it. Think about the influence advertisements, music videos and sitcoms can have on our minds and the way we think. Don't be fooled into thinking that this hasn't affected you. In some unconscious way, I'm sure it has. It takes effort to think for ourselves which is why many people don't practice this. It takes effort to look within, instead of riding on the waves of external stimuli that bombard us everyday. It takes effort to sit in solitude and experience silence for awhile, away from the bustle of ordinary life. It takes effort to not let what people say affect your single-minded goals but I reckon it will be worthwhile not to give up. Screw the discrimination, deceit and propaganda. Turn your mind inwards and keep your eyes firmly fixed on your goals and uphold YOUR beliefs and values, not your boss or your mother's.