Pick One

Latest update on Mil's computer:
The Encarta Reference Library Premium (version 2005)!!
Yay! (?)
It has lovely references to short stories and tiny mentions (which I'm not so happy about!) of the feminist criticism. But that can be changed ei?
All thanks to an unwelcome guest staying at my house this week. He is leaving next Monday however, and the CD goes with him. Damn?

I just finished reading Sparks' Message in a Bottle, and this was done without any, I repeat, ANY tears. Even though it was quite tragic. His style of writing, sad to say in most of his books are quite cliche, it is not particularly gripping like, say Irving. The only reason I liked A Walk to Remember was because of the storyline. I think we all like to believe that a 17 year old boy could be changed by a girl. I think it is probably a fantast alot of us women have.
Even though we would never admit it.
It is a common fallacy when starting a relationship, to assume that the man will change, and only on the basis of his undying love for the girl. That, however, rarely happens. And it shouldn't happen anyway.
People should change for their own good, and not for anybody else. It doesn't work that way does it?

In the book, Garrett sounds likes such a fantasy. I guess he was for me because of how closely connected his life was to the ocean. He lived on the beachfront, was a diving instructor and was pretty much born and raised near the ocean. How exciting is that? How amazingly great is that? To wake up to the shounds of the waves, to have the perfect view whenever you wanted it?

It is no surprise then, that right now, I ache for the beach.
Once, a long time ago, when I was quite little, my family (my Grandma, my dad, and I believe my Mom, Luvesh wasn't around yet) took a trip to Penang. On the way there, my Grandma had a desire to meet with this priest, whom she had heard alot about, who could give accurate readings about a person.
Me, personally, I believe that these things should be taken with a grain of salt. What he said, or what anybody like him says is not the principle gospel of our lives.
So, it was not planned, but they decided that they wanted to hear a reading for me too, after they were done with themselves. Me being really little, could not rebel or form any sort of protest, I was probably just swinging my legs idly and annoying everybody with my childish restlessness.
I do not remember everything that Grandma talked about, but I remember something my Dad told me immediately after the reading was taken that haunts me with the hilarious irony of it all. The priest had accurately said that I love the water, meaning the oceans and all it's counterparts. However, he warned my Dad that it would be dangerous for me to go too deep into it. He advised my Dad to not let me go too deep into the ocean and stick to the shallow bits.

I remember being slightly miffed when my Dad told me this, but I must have forgotten all about it. Years later when I was at the beach, my Dad told me again, and I recall it now. If there ever was an irony of my life, that would be it.

Sometimes I ponder if the priest was talking about me in metaphorical terms. Don't let her go into the deep end.
He never said what would happen though.

However, I can't help but still be attracted to this natural wonder. How can one not be?
The beach is so appealing to me, that I could never imagine not wanting to go as far and away as possible to sink into its depths of mystified beauty.

Proceed With Caution

It is the battlefield and I am in charge.
I select the sleekest gun available and I prepare to;
shoot your brains out.

I never believed in violence, but people say there is a first for everything.
I will grip that damn gun and make it an extension of my hand. I will know all its curves by heart and would have memorised its shape. It fits perfectly in my hand. It looks great too.
I look great too, legs apart, feet firmly planted on a mishapen picture of your face, each feet on each blown-up eye belonging to you. My triumphant feet are clad in black leather, as the rest of me.

Everything seems to be perfect as I stand in my hate.
But.

It doesn't feel right.
Slowly, I lower the gun. I take off my mask and shake my hair out. I take out a mirror and watch two teardrops glisten on my cheek. Even more slowly, I angle the mirror so it reflects you perfectly. I expect to see a smiling face, walking towards me, ready to entertain me with your next joke.
Instead.

I see nothing. Neither do I see anything remotely connected to you, or any parts of your body come floating towards me. I don't see anything for the next hour either.
Then I realize,

You were never there.
And you aren't coming, either.

Closing Both Eyes

Wanting to go,
So far away,
'Til I'm nothing,
but a tiny dot.

In your eyes,
though,
that's all I am,
anyway.

To wait for a ,
miracle,
stops making sense,
after all this while.

To finish what I began,
today,
seems too far off,
a concept.

Let me go.

Friday

Funny story: my tiny world came to an end yesterday when I realized that I have been spelling weird as 'wierd' almost my entire life.

I'm kidding, but it was an interesting realization. However, it was funnier when I suggested that perhaps it's different for American and British and I was greeted with 4 outraged NO!'s.
Sometimes it's funny when I unsuspectingly make an ass out of myself. Oh well, you live and you learn.

Thank goodness I know how to spell Friends. Right? That's how you spell friends right? RIGHT?!

MWAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I'm doing it again.

Tis' another lovely Friday, hotter than earlier, but nevertheless lovely. Am deciding between the book store and the library. It's tougher than you think when you consider the fact that they BOTH have books in them. Only difference with the bookstore is I get to walk out with a book I can call MINE forever.
I get creepier by the day don't I. But the clove writer can outdo me in that department anytime. Just playin, girly. Heehee.

The girl from Bali strikes again. I have to almost force myself not to get affected. How does one do that? How do you not let your emotions take over? Agreed that many people seem to have their emotions safely controlled and monitored. But I doubt that's very easy. And for all we know, they go home and cry their eyes out at the end of the day, or... kill small animals. Haha, how very stereotypical of a serial killer. Bad joke, you will have to excuse me.

I am aware that my posts are getting more ambiguous and wierder by the day. Forgive me.
Sometimes I am not aware of certain thoughts in my head but they come out through my fingers and I would have to push the delete button to finally get rid of them, forever.

Give Me A 'Plod

Allow me to say something on behalf of us ladies. No matter how hard we try to stay positive during Lady in Red, it doesn't always work out. And yes, I am aware that Lady in Red sounds incredibly lame but it is quite an apt description. And I have surrendered to the back aches, the head aches and the cramps therefore nothing is functioning right.

In a day so slow and so frustrating, I bring a single piece of good news.
My friend returned Spark's A Walk to Remember to me today. I have gotten into re-reading my favourite books just for the sheer comfort it brings me. No doubt this one will do it's magic.

Props to a group member in my language class for thinking of brilliant ideas for our Italian play. Now comes the damned part of writing the script. It'll be fun no?
Thank you Payal for being the angel that you are. You should not be treated the way you are. If you let me, I will use my powers (ok my good right hook) to assassinate your group members. Only the bad ones. I love you!

Disappointment is abundant, but it should not be. Today I was shocked into scary recognition from the one that I fatefully met.
Sometimes I wish things were different, that is why the disappointment remains, and the tears fall unashamed. At times.
Harsh words were spoken, she was shaken, the boy is forsaken, words remain hidden.
Damn, I'm rhyming again.

Thank you to all, and to all a goodnight.
the Sound of Music is such a lovely film ain't it? (It is the comfort valence again, that's all).

So Damn Much

A few thanks to give out-

Thank you Syar for visiting my lowly abode, lol I didn't tell you because...well I don't know. I just began. I've only just begun!! Yes, do not be afraid.

Thank you to the clove smoker who asked me if I was still melancholy. It was very sweet of you. Unfortunately, the hormones act up again, so I think I'm getting back to that damned state of mind.

Thank you to the Ming-a-ling-the-ba-da-BOOM for sharing my tears. Don't cry baybeh. We'll laugh about it tomorrow. Congrats on your successful presentation. ;)

Thank you to everyone else who bothers to check up here.

Today I got a phone call. I thought it was you.

I am in denial but not in the way you think I am.
Too many things to state to actually state it.
Signing off.

Dangerous

Saturday looked beautiful. I was happy, excited and thrilled because I was finally going to be able to spend some time with someone I dearly missed. Of course, like in all the books, this person is oblivious.
Driving at 4.30pm, slightly aggravated- make that a lot aggravated. Driving fast, instinct telling me something was going to be in my way. She was right again. On that long stretch of road (19/1) a black Honda Jazz decided to neither look right nor left and coincide with my car. We collided to the orchestra of my shrill Kancil horn. I watched my shaking fingers guide the car to the side of the road (where a collage of men with nothing to do decided to gape at my profound cursing). I heard the way my mouth let loose a string of profanities. I felt the anger in my head, the way it boiled at my temples and reached for my lively dance beat of a heart.
I checked out the damage. Was not bad at all.

I approached the car as a tiger might encircle his prey. I was hungry for confrontation. I am not one for it usually. The lady had the audacity to ask me to wait for her brother. My fists were curled up as she told me I was going fast. I know I was, but you're supposed to look BOTH ways, smart ass?!

Damn, I was pissed. I don't remember the last time I was that pissed. My mom conveniently told me to call my Dad as she was at a very important meeting- at the hair saloon.
Jesus, Mom I didn't know you cared that much.
My Dad took extra long to answer his phone. I could already feel the unwelcome prick of tears.
Everybody's too goddamned busy.

TOO GODDAMNED BUSY.

Once I had to carry out a trial run for an experiment. My mom reluctantly surrendered herself to me. Of course, she ruined it by asking too many questions. She kept on telling me she couldn't hear the audio clip. She failed the test.
Running to Dad, eager to have another subject, was greeted by a simple, Oh no, I'm too tired. Please.

NOT TODAY.

My mom asks me why my room is in a mess. I want to ask her why her life, why our lives are in a mess. Everything has to be socially desirable. Social. Desirable.

I had no idea I was this angry. I thought I was happy because I finished a Counseling Assignment and spent the last two hours watching Pretty Woman, a brilliant movie by the way.
Boy, was I wrong.
No, wait. I am happy, if not that, then satisfied.
I don't need to be Happy off my rockers Happy.

Just happy would do.

If you're a workaholic then you don't go through phases. You'll be busy all the time. Everyday, all day, all year round. You'll forget the time, you'll be living through it. You'll forget what day it is and what month it is. You'll say '07 instead of '06. You'll be ahead. That ain't such a good thing.

How do you know it won't be like this, 10 years down the road? Will you still be here, or will you be too deep into it, so much so that you won't know I crawled out the back door?
Will you still be here?
A better question, would I ?

Million-dollar question: Is it even worth it.

Trying Again

I have been quite unproductive these days and this is never good, is it? Changes like these happen only for one reason: me. It is not right for us to blame events, people, circumstances, incidents for our own change in thoughts, feelings and behavior. Yet, in our weakest moments, we do just that.

"It is your fault that I screwed up the way I did. ALL YOUR FAULT."

"I couldn't concentrate because of what you did to me. ALL YOUR FAULT."

"I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I couldn't do shit after I talked to
you. ALL YOUR FAULT."

This makes me think of that qoute from Roosevelt: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If nobody can make us feel inferior than nobody has the power to influence our feelings. Of course, to a certain extent, they do, because we care. We care because there is love. But why should love mess anything up? The word is tossed around so carelessly, yet we remain as selfish as hate itself.

I just got good news from a friend: the counseling assignment is only due on Monday which means I can finish it off nicely and start with my most anticipated assignment: the literary magazine. Am starting to think that I should change my major. I just don't have the same excitement for psychology that I get in Modern Lit class. Of course those two are linked, which makes it all the more better.

I love being a nerd.

I know that I'm feeling crappy because I have been keeping things inside. I have not had closure as is always suggested. This is because I want to refrain from being selfish as I have always been. But maybe keeping it all in is not the best way. Well, there's always writing, innit.

A note to my right hand: I am sorry I took the plunge yesterday (by that I mean at Astaka field.) But I am thankful because you are so kind to me. You always were. I love you to bits.

A note to the separated lovebirds: Love you both in different ways. I am sorry if I have been hostile. That's just my face, I was born with it. Eeks. HAHAHA. No, I am sorry I do not mean to be. The separation has been hard to deal with in many ways. But life goes one, the world is your oyster. Talk to me okay, am always here for the both of you. We are family.

A note to everyone else: I have been shutting myself out, been busy, but I should take the time out to spend it with you. Because that's what counts in life.

And now for the hardest note- to the big shot: What do I say, I have already said the thing that has been looming over our heads for the past few months. Are we, are we not. Not, I said. To me though, that is not an issue right now because regardless of what we are, you still are something in my life, I cannot shut you out. Even now when I barely see you, it is hard to forget. However it is not easy to remember that you have priorities. And one of these are certainly not eating or sleeping. Will not start. Just want to say- You are at the prime of your life. If you don't sit back and take it slow once in awhile, you will regret it when you're older, even when you're surrounded by expensive cars and beautiful houses.

Sometimes I feel like I've already lost you to the mundane thing we call 'work'.

With that said, I hope I don't regret this tomorrow.

I don't think I will: I don't think I should have socially desirable answers to everything.

I love you all, forgive me if I have stung you.

As for now, I feel better, and this will improve when I decide to share even more.

Sharing is caring, no? Hee hee goodnight.

Let Us Go

I wonder what makes me censor myself when I don't have to. Why should I shut out my own feelings when I should be letting them go, writing them out, not hiding it away in a forgotten closet.

It is time to come clean. I feel like crap. I don't know why I bothered lying to myself. Is it because that I should have no reason to feel this way? Perhaps. But perhaps not. However this doesn't mean I have to focus on my feelings of crappiness. I can make myself better. Why dwell on crappiness ei. Is that even how you spell crappiness- I wouldn't know, in fact I am new to writing about the crap that I feel.

I am aware that I'm babbling. Aware that I'm trying to stop myself from writing out the truth.
I don't want to protect you anymore.
But now when I want to come clean, I don't know what to say. James was right, creativity is influenced by emotions. Right now an appropriate description for my emotions would be BLEURGHAAAAAAAAAAGH.

I think I'll try again later.

Jump

I want to talk about the crappy weather. But not before telling you about the jam. I want to bitch about the workload. And all this would lead to?... Nothing.
I don't even want to complain because I don't have a right. I have a theory- There are 6billion people (and counting) in the world, why talk about myself? That doesn't mean though that I don't do this. Everyone needs to have some form of catharsis, even private people.
It's 2am and I've got a whole highway ahead of me. It's lightweight though and I drive fast. wink.
I am currently reading Dreams of Sleep by Josephine Humphrey and already I have listed it as one of my favourite books. It is about how a woman silently watches her husband having an affair and how she reacts and everybody else involves reacts to it. Must say though, if I had to analyse this story using a theory I would definitely use feminist criticism, and there is no doubt about this. This is because that there is so many uses of patriarchal ideology in this book that I actually feel like I need to yell at the author. It is quite degrading, however I am quite sure that the author did this on purpose to make the story all the more believable. Guess what, it worked. It adds an almost extreme side to the man's character which is already quite extreme, in the sense of quite destructive behavior.
One thing I have to say, when reading Humphrey, I found myself comparing her to Roy. I was quite shocked as I never thought I would compare anybody to Roy. Humphrey's writing style is quite similar because both of them use alot of similes for descriptions, and they do it extremely well. I like how their similes are so comforting and familiar because they use everyday things that we encounter or used to encounter. Now that I come to think of it, their books are like a big warm blanket because they both have children in it, however the children in Roy's book play a bigger part. But children in general are comforting, no?
Another thing though, Humphrey's choice of words are not as shocking and truthful as Roy's, including the similes. Roy is brutal in that sense, she definitely crossed many boundaries in her book. Humphrey seems slightly more cautious and wants to break her news more gently to her readers. I can't wait to finish it and start on Wide Sargasso Sea. Miss Wei Lyn lent this book to me after I eyed it for a whole minute. Haha.
Wide Sargasso Sea looks promising because it is sort of a prequel to Jane Eyre. More on that later. I wonder though, if Humphrey made a sequel to Dreams of Sleep from the narrative of the Reese children.

I wonder.

The Right Kind

Strains of music fill my mind as I switch from busybee to busy-not.
Words are carelessly flung, like laundry in the hamper.
They are too late, too quick.
Too insincere.
Time is running out, for you.
For me.
For all.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna (Never Say Goodbye)

http://www.indiafm.com/movies/preview/12514/index.html

If anybody is curious, the above site is a link to a synopsis of a Hindi movie which I just watched. It was fantastic. Of course I can't say it's better than Fanna because of my biased attitude towards Kajol. Fanaa really was great, both these movies were great in their own way. This was a Karan Johar movie and I think he lived up to the very scary expectations that people had everywhere.
I love the songs, it has been playing in my head ever since we exited the theatre so I stole the soundtrack from my dad's car. He let me have it.
Without the intention of spoiling this movie, it shook me up because of the consequences of the couples. I don't know why but I also found it extremely romantic. My parents had described it as "heavy-duty" and I would have to agree. There were many steamy scenes.
My favourite spicy scene was the one where Dev and Maya finally give in. It was so sensual and the fact that it was raining and they were in a room with a fireplace just added to the atmosphere. Pretty much everybody could feel and see the heat just rising from the screen. Shah Rukh Khan is very good at love scenes, he is so intense and a fabulous actor that there is nothing left to do but believe him and buy every minute of it. The way he looked at her convinced me enough. He has this way with his eyes, it is hard to remember this guy is married, and happily too (as far as anyone can tell).
It is strange that I enjoyed the forbidden love scenes the most, but that is probably cause they are the most exciting isn't it? Don't have to tell you to look to Romeo and Juliet to know that. It was the best soap I have ever seen that's for sure. I remember I was on the edge of my seat, wanting so desperately for the two to have their affair in peace, but also knowing and dreading that it was all going to end.
They were married.
Let me ask you something.
What if you met your soulmate after you got married?
What would you do?
In my culture, marriage is sacred. Divorce should only be an option if there is abuse. There is no other excuse for why it shouldn't work. I'm not saying I agree with this, but I too believe that marriage is sacred. Any self-respecting person would know that relationships need to be worked at. Marriages require commitment.
Can you do that with someone you don't love? How?

"If you don't look for love, you won't find it."
-Dev Saran, Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna. (2006)

"Death and love come uninvited. "
-Samarjit Singh Talwar, Kavhi Alvida Naa Kehna. (2006)

Dev didn't know what he was talking about way back then. But Sam knows his stuff.
I agree with him. What would you do dearies?

Rainy Day a.k.a. Jacq

The sky is dark and the wind is present.
Lovely morning, everything is in slow-mo and I'm back at home. The temptation to sleep is getting louder everywhere. It's 10.29a.m. and the sky is still dark.
Reached late for Modern Lit but I went in anyway, how can we miss the post-colonial analysis of the Great Gatsby? I'm not even being sarcastic, hahaha!
Was supposed to go watch a movie today, but Payal can't make it, we're waiting for you girly.
I guess now would be the perfect time to talk about Jacq leaving for Canada.
She leaves today. I haven't seen her since Saturday. Syar and the rest of them were planning something for her on Tuesday and I guess she didn't really think of inviting me. That hurt in all the right places. But it wouldn't have been exactly polite to invite myself, would it? I do know where not to butt in, this would be an invasion even though I've known Jacq as long as all of them, even longer than some people who were invited.
But, this is not a post to talk about my being left out. It is to commemorate Jacq and the memories we have, the memories I have for her.

So many memories, are hard to squeeze into a box. But here you are Jacq, a tiny portion for you. I will miss you, no doubt, I hope that you have a fantastic time there and experience new things and gain new insights to life. I know you will succeed in whatever you are about to embark on. Much love to Jacq, from Mil.

Shut Down and Shut Up

More updates?
Have my sweetheart back. My dear PC. Ai, I'm getting attached.
Today I have bombs dropping all over the place. I tell ya, you ever want to make a soap opera, you come over I'll write you up a good one. And this time the characters will not be made up, and the similarities will not be entirely coincidental!
I am disappointed with somebody right now. To anybody who is actually reading this, it is not you. I know who reads and doesn't read this on a regular basis, so trust me when I say it isn't you.
I may look disappointed these days, and that is because I am , but it is not at you, or with you. I am let down because this person did not learn at all. I know I have to be patient, and wait for him to see the light, as I once did. I know that it took me long, it could take him longer, I say this not because I think I'm better, but because he is already 20 and he sees almost nothing.
He is so incredibly insecure, that it is unbelievable. I didn't think it would be possible when he warned me (in all fairness, he did warn me), but it is. And this is not something to be scornful about, really, it is sad. I am not perfect, not even close, but I like myself enough. Just enough to pull through. Of course there are bad days, life wouldn't be life without them, but we pull through.
I hope that he sees it one day. I hope that someday when he looks into a mirror he won't make a face or wish he looked better. I hope that when he has a bad day, he doesn't immediately take it out on everybody else around him (may I say though, that that is something alot of us are guilty for). I hope that he becomes happy with himself, so that, in turn, he can be happy with somebody, whoever that person may be. I hope that when we meet( we eventually will, our lives and families intertwine) someday, he won't behave badly but be gracious even though he might hate me. Hate is a strong word but it is used, no?
I don't want him to hate me, but I can't force him to like me or change his mind can I? All I can do right now is let him be, and pray that it gets better for him.
Alot of love to Discovery Bay.

Force

The force is within you. Use it.
Or not.
Everything aches but I have nothing to complain about. I shouldn't have anyway. Everybody else has it worse. If I keep telling myself that, I know I'll believe it.
Shaneli is currently in my house, along with her two brothers and her mom. Yes, they're family but strangers are also welcome at my house. My mom is too nice.
I'm currently once again at Starbucks and I wish I could stay here for a long time. Just writing out everything.
A little tid bit from the last post.
I shouldn't talk about Jacq just yet, it'll be kinda sad if I start bawling in Starbucks. Nobody would offer me tissue so it'll be messy too.
I can talk about last week.
HAHAHAHAHA.
I'll say something though. Dan has nice friends. I went out for dinner with one of them and he paid for our mamak food. I of course being a feminist insisted on paying for the ice cream. You would think that I'd be outraged about the mamak but it was okay because I got even at Baskin Robbins. It was nice that it wasn't akward, not at all actually.
We talked about anything that came up, it was easygoing, no strain, no wierd silences.
That was just Wednesday.
You want to know about Friday? You should ask me about Thursday though. And Saturday.
But I ain't so good with the verballing.
I don't want to use this brain of mine. I can't even write properly! And I still gotta do the C to the B to the M. CBM!!
You know what pisses me off the most? People who don't offer to help. You know what pisses me off even more? People who offer to help but in the end don't.
You know what? I better go before I bore myself to death.

What do you have?
Ask me what I have.
Did you sleep?
Ask me if I slept.

Why don't you understand?
Ask me why I'm so dense.
Why can't you just let it go.
Ask me why I'm acting like your mom.

Why can't you understand?
I'll ask you to ask me how I love you.
Why are you being mean.
I'll ask you why you don't understand.

I'll ask you to leave me alone.
So I can do the same.

Desperation

Much Hiatus

Yowsers, it's been awhile. This is the one thing I've been missing, I know.
Writing is FUN. Yay.
10 days ago, I celebrated my 19th birthday with jazz, Heineken, alot more alcohol, fantastic friends, a Zippo lighter and alot more cake and food. Mil-style KAPOW.
I forgot to mention with experiments as well.
There are plenty of things that I want to mention here. I should make a list.
My computer at home went KAPOOTS so Payal, the darling that she is lent me her laptop. This is one of the first sites I visited (after Hotmail and Friendster).
Much thanks to Payalo from Milano.

A list of things.
a. Jacq is leaving next Friday to Canada. Her farewell party yesterday was fun, no crying yet.
b. Shisha experience on Thursday.
c. It's been quite a week.
d. The work piles up, but not for me.
e. This is gonna take a while.
f. I miss writing.
g. I have to go now.

I hope to be back later so that Starbucks can clean out my padded pockets.
It's been a PAD week! (HAHAHAHAHAHA)