Goddamn

It is 6.54p.m and I'm the last one in the office. It is one of those days where I realize that I don't feel productive and am not living my full potential. And then I wonder what my potentials are and where or what I'm supposed to be. I think back to the last time I was productive; which I pin down to the day I wrote an article about an art gallery that I really enjoyed visiting. That was quite awhile ago, last month or maybe before that to be perfectly honest. And I shut my eyes and think really hard about the last time I exalted in the feeling of being useful and it always comes back to life in Perth. I remember the sweet feeling or researching and writing and scribbling ideas and debating and reading and cursing and having someone tell me that I got it. Of being around people who could carry many conversations about politics, the world, journalism, the war on terror etc. It is a lonely life, the life of a writer. There are many times when I have felt like an antisocial outcast because society expects one to socialize. I am a dreamer, very much an idealistic one that at this moment, is struggling to be realistic, at the same time not wanting to lose the wanderer in me. I am feeling lost, and I definitely don't have a sense of direction. I also ponder about ending up alone since I seem to prefer solitude, but that is a problem that is far away. At the moment, I just long for that feeling again. I sometimes wonder if it was a fluke but I couldn't have been fluking for a whole year now, could I? I'm trying to remember what drove me and for the life of me, I can't right now. Was it a last-ditch desperate attempt to get good grades in my final year? Was it the realization that I could do better? Was it the lingering fear that my grandmother was watching me? (haha - maybe not). Or could it have been that I really enjoyed what I was doing? That was definitely a HUGE part of it. The problem with me is that I'm unsure how to motivate myself when I have no interest whatsoever in what I'm working on. I'm quite a child in that way. I'm essentially, at the moment, stuck in a comfort zone so deep, so wide that I don't know the first thing about climbing my way out. I'm guessing my choice is not going to be easy. But I am still at the crossroad I was, 10 months ago. Goddamn everything.