Trying Again

I have been quite unproductive these days and this is never good, is it? Changes like these happen only for one reason: me. It is not right for us to blame events, people, circumstances, incidents for our own change in thoughts, feelings and behavior. Yet, in our weakest moments, we do just that.

"It is your fault that I screwed up the way I did. ALL YOUR FAULT."

"I couldn't concentrate because of what you did to me. ALL YOUR FAULT."

"I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I couldn't do shit after I talked to
you. ALL YOUR FAULT."

This makes me think of that qoute from Roosevelt: "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent". If nobody can make us feel inferior than nobody has the power to influence our feelings. Of course, to a certain extent, they do, because we care. We care because there is love. But why should love mess anything up? The word is tossed around so carelessly, yet we remain as selfish as hate itself.

I just got good news from a friend: the counseling assignment is only due on Monday which means I can finish it off nicely and start with my most anticipated assignment: the literary magazine. Am starting to think that I should change my major. I just don't have the same excitement for psychology that I get in Modern Lit class. Of course those two are linked, which makes it all the more better.

I love being a nerd.

I know that I'm feeling crappy because I have been keeping things inside. I have not had closure as is always suggested. This is because I want to refrain from being selfish as I have always been. But maybe keeping it all in is not the best way. Well, there's always writing, innit.

A note to my right hand: I am sorry I took the plunge yesterday (by that I mean at Astaka field.) But I am thankful because you are so kind to me. You always were. I love you to bits.

A note to the separated lovebirds: Love you both in different ways. I am sorry if I have been hostile. That's just my face, I was born with it. Eeks. HAHAHA. No, I am sorry I do not mean to be. The separation has been hard to deal with in many ways. But life goes one, the world is your oyster. Talk to me okay, am always here for the both of you. We are family.

A note to everyone else: I have been shutting myself out, been busy, but I should take the time out to spend it with you. Because that's what counts in life.

And now for the hardest note- to the big shot: What do I say, I have already said the thing that has been looming over our heads for the past few months. Are we, are we not. Not, I said. To me though, that is not an issue right now because regardless of what we are, you still are something in my life, I cannot shut you out. Even now when I barely see you, it is hard to forget. However it is not easy to remember that you have priorities. And one of these are certainly not eating or sleeping. Will not start. Just want to say- You are at the prime of your life. If you don't sit back and take it slow once in awhile, you will regret it when you're older, even when you're surrounded by expensive cars and beautiful houses.

Sometimes I feel like I've already lost you to the mundane thing we call 'work'.

With that said, I hope I don't regret this tomorrow.

I don't think I will: I don't think I should have socially desirable answers to everything.

I love you all, forgive me if I have stung you.

As for now, I feel better, and this will improve when I decide to share even more.

Sharing is caring, no? Hee hee goodnight.