Knee Deep

What's been going on Mil's life? Is that why you're here, is that the question that runs through your head?
If so, then thank you! Funny story, yesterday an old flame messaged me to tell me that a girl he knows never writes to him. It's funny because i'm the girl and he's just wasting time pointing out the obvious isn't he. I found this quite hilarious and didn't know quite what to make of it. Except laugh my ass off.

It's been about four weeks or so since the fall semester of college and everyday has been fantastic. I've been finding classes fairly easy *knocks on wood* and life has been like one big party. Hey that rhymes and I wasn't being sarcastic.

I don't feel like I have to worry so much about what's going to happen next, especially academic-wise and I'm just taking it one step at a time you know? If I do well this semester, it will be the boost that I need to convince myself that I'll be okay doing psychology (possibly for the rest of my life).
Here's a lowdown of how my conversation went with dad about me switching to English.

Me: So Pops, I think I'd prefer to do something with English...not Psychology.
Pops: English? What would you do with English?
Me: [Long pause] Err...I guess I could teach. I really don't know but I think I'd do better with
that.
Pops: Yea but what about prospects? The money wouldn't be great. With psychology you could be earning twice as much as me. (Proceeds to talk about the importance of money for awhile).
And then came the blow...
Pops: When I'm not here anymore, you gotta take care of the family. Who else is going to do that?
Me: [Feels like she's been punched in the stomach] Yea. Of course.

So that was that. How can I consider anything else when my entire family's welfare is in my hands. But the thing is, my Dad's right. Going into English could be a risky thing because of the pay and uncertainty of job offers.

Having said that though, if he didn't put it that way, I would already be knee deep in Literature.
We all have responsiblities though. And this doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming.

Wee.

Tu Hi Re

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
jaan re jaan re in saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa tuu
chaa.nd re chaa.nd re aa jaa dil kii zamiin pe tuu
chaahat hai agar aake mujhse mil jaa tuu
yaa phir aisa kar dhartii se milaa de mujhko

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
in saa.nso.n ka dekho tum paagalpan kii aa'e nahii.n inhe.n chain
mujhse yeh bolii mai.n raaho.n me.n terii apne bichha duu.n yeh nain
in uu.nche pahaaRo.n se jaan de duu.nga mai.n gar tum na aa'ii kahii.n
tum udhar jaanam ummiid merii jo toRo idhar yeh jahaan chhoRuu.n mai.n
maut aur zi.ndagii tere haatho.n me.n de diya re
aa'ii re aa'ii re le mai.n aa'ii huu.n tere li'e
toRa re toRe re har ba.ndhan ko pyaar ke li'e
jaan re jaan re aaj tujh me.n samaa jaa'uu.n mai.n
dil re dil ve terii saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa'uu.n mai.n
chaahat hai agar aake mujhse mil jaa tuu
yaa phir aisa kar dhartii se milaa de mujhko

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
sau baar bulaa'e mai.n sau baar aa'uu.n ek baar jo dil diya
ek aa.nkh ro'e to duujii bolo so'egii kaise bhala
un pyaar kii raaho.n me.n patthar hai.n kitne un sabko hii paar kiya
ik nadii huu.n mai.n chaahat bharii aaj milne saagar ko aa'ii yahaa.n
sajna sajna aaj aa.nsuu bhii miiTHe lage
pal pal pal pal waqt to bitaa jaa'e re
zara bol zara bol waqt se ki voh tham jaa'e re

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
jaan re jaan re in saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa tuu
chaa.nd re chaa.nd re aa jaa dil kii zamiin pe tuu
aa'ii re aa'ii re le mai.n aa'ii huu.n tere li'e
jaan re jaan re aaj tujh me.n samaa jaa'uu.n mai.n

Emotional Tag

1. HAPPINESS- is s state of mind where I am content in not an extreme manner, where I am comfortable just being. Spending time with the ones I love and doing something I love (spending alone time) brings out the happiness valence.

2. SADNESS- is having that gut-wrenching feeling where everything is bleak and nothing seems like it'll ever be alright again. Normally brought upon during inner crises and when I think too much. The crossroads and the hormones.

3. HOPE- is blind faith. I am not against this emotion, but don't put all your freakin' eggs in one basket. But without hope, we are nothing.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT- is dressing up real nice for someone and then they cancel on you. But beyond that it is a step away from anger; not getting what we want. The id in all of us.

5. LOVE-is life. We live to love. Love is getting angry because he did something stupid again. Love is when you want nothing but the best for the one you love.

6. HATE- does not exist here. I have no room for hate. I try.

7. CONFUSION- is when a guy says...Baby, I love you but then proceeds to step all over you. Confusion is when there is more than one person involved. Confusion is when your eyes see someone but your heart thinks of another.

8. ANGER-is when you tremble and shake like a leaf because you're so MAD. Anger is the most frightening thing to me.

9. FRUSTRATION- is when you're sitting in a traffic jam, fumbling for a cigarette and you realise you don't have a lighter. It's synonym for IRONY.

10. PASSION- is that thing you have that is all-consuming and if you let it, it will take over everything. In all the right ways.

11. FEAR- is the silliest most obstrusive emotion we have. Public speaking.

12. STUPIDNESS-is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It is when you go the longer way because you forgot about the shortcut.

13. ECSTASY- is that extreme happiness where you feel you're about to burst. Pop. When I walk into a bookstore with a credit card.

14. JOY- is when you type the last word on a particularly baffling assignment and actually manage to pass it up. On time. And the lecturer looks surprised. And you go AHAH!

15. MISERY- being lonely when you're not used to the feeling. Yech. At home on a Saturday night when you're particularly itching to dance. With people.

16. REVENGE-is pointless when you want to be the bigger person. If you don't mind looking stupid and small then BULLDOZE RIGHT AHEAD. HAHA. Kick him right where it hurts. Sweet.

17. ROMANCE - is the quickened heartbeat just by the simple act of holding hands. The private kisses shared in elevators. The brief but heart-stopping hugs.

18. LUST-is when you feel like an animal in broad daylight next to a man who hasn't even touched you yet.

19. PRIDE-is not being a clingy bitch. Control yourself people. Show some respect for YOURSELF. In a lighter tone- you have better things to do than mop around.

20. DEVOTION- Is developing a habit that is actually good for you and does no harm for other people. Prayers, checking up on friends or cleaning.

.OF ALL THE EMOTIONS IN THIS SURVEY, THE ONE YOU FEEL NOW IS- happiness

I tag: Ming, Syar, Sebastian and you.

I Should...

...be less selfish.

...think about the future more.

...stop living in my little world.

I should, but do I want to?

Is there something wrong with me, something wrong with the way I behave? I can vouch for the fact that I'm not repulsive, but I wouldn't know if I am decent.

Some days you just feel repulsive and not at at all decent.
Some people can make you feel that way, but what did we learn?

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Do I ever learn?

So what if I want something from you? You have taken many things from me, and I usually don't say much about it. Why should I feel guilty about expecting things from you when you are always telling me you owe me? If you owe me so much, then pay up.

If I believe I am deserving of something and you don't, then too bad. I have made up my mind.
If you have a problem with that, then it's your loss. I know I have tried being nice. I have tried being fair. You should do justice.

A note to you people who take advantage. Mr. Nice Guy isn't always going to be around. One day he'll put down his foot and say NO. And you will gape while he walks away. Sometimes that only happens in movies. In real life, Mr. Nice Guy ends up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown after too many YES's to people.

A note to Mr. Nice Guys (and Miss Nice Girls)- Say no. I dare you. Let's be mean just this once. Not to throw it in their faces, but to feel good. So damn good. If you can't do it, don't push it. Don't be apologetic. And under no circumstances should you even THINK about feeling guilty. Why do we torture ourselves? I'm not saying I condone selfishness, but I certainly don't condone self-mutilation (in the head). This is not about being selfish, it is about knowing your boundaries.

Tell me I'm wrong.
This is an age-old problem, let's not bring it any further, people.


To the free spirits and the people who don't look any further than dinner tonight- You ain't alone. We're different, we're not so good at planning things, but that's ok. It really is.

I'm not telling you to wait and see. I'm just telling you to stop straining your neck- to breathe and to LIVE.

Live my babies, LIVE. And remind me to do the same.

Honey why you calling me...

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel (And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

Can you hear him croon doesn't it just make you swoon.
Wee

Cheers

Today is Diwali (Deepavali is how the Malaysians say it) and I get to take part in the celebration. Yesterday it didn't really feel like Diwali. I had to be in a million places (at the same time) and by 5pm I was ready to a) cry, b) scream, c) roar d) all of the above. But I pulled through. I made it home by 6.45pm (beat my Dad, hah!) and attempted to get ready in the next 15minutes. I had a play to attend! And attend it I did. It was the best part of the day for me (except the time I spent with Straight Girl- it was fun chillin with u girl!). Everybody important to me was there, especially my Right Hand.

It's so true what people say- it doesn't matter where you are, where you go, or what you plan to do. What matters is who's with you. The play was worth my 10bucks.
Stand up comedy is catching on.
Detalis? The Actor's Studio @ Bangsar Shopping Centre- 8.30pm shows until the 22nd, that's tomorrow, tickets priced at RM10. The show is called Free Flow. Aptly named indeed!

I won't say much about the first part of my day yesterday because it's simply not worth mentioning. Who wants to know about my stress? No, I ain't fishing for love or attention, thank you though.

A note to the clove writer- I miss hangin with you.

I wish I could quell my public speaking fear. I'd try stand up comedy just for the sake of it. Boy, I go red just thinking about the crowd.

Slap me for this, but I love tequila shots. Actually wait, don't slap me, because it ain't a crime. I loved drinking with friends yesterday. We have to do that more often.

So because I had some to drink, I slept like a log, could barely wake up. I immediately thought of running down the road for some nescafe ais. Oops. It's Diwali, there ain't nobody there to make you a drink and charge you RM1.40 for it.
I was really craving it though, so me being the smartass I am figured I could re-create the drink at home. End result- it really wasn't that bad, it was free, but I had made it in a smaller portion so it was gone in no time. I even added the straw and took it outside to drink with the garden wall.

Diwali this year was even more laid back but the night is still young people. Have two more prayers to do and then we shall all head out for dinner. Ta.

What Is It

I'll tell you something wierd.

There is a Coke can sitting on my right and it's all fizzed out because it's been there for about 4 hours, and I just realized that.

Something wierder? Okay, here goes.
Remember that movie Princess Diaries? Sure you do. A movie where we yearned, yet again, for a leg-popping kiss from our own Michael's. Ahh Michael.
Anyway, it was first a book, as you know.

Now remember The Devil Wears Prada? Also was a book first. Now, get this. Both movies had Anne Hathaway (gorgeous specimen of Hollywood breed) as the lead actress. Now, focus on this fact, which I find very cool.

In both books(movies), her best friends' first name is Lily. And both movies (books) had Hathaway in it.

I realize I took an awfully long time to spell that out, and I also realize that this is hardly very significant in our lives, but what a coincidence ei?

As an update, I doubt I mentioned this- mom sprained her ankle on Thursday evening, last week, but she is totally fine, just chilling in bed. Literally. I was puttering around her the first two days then realized that this is a perfect excuse to stay in bed. It's only mildly painful and everybody will tend to you because you're supposed to rest the leg. So after this brilliant insight, I tried twisting my foot in a pair of slippers. I ended up doing a little akward dance, in front of the door on the welcome mat. It was very attractive. By the way, that's where it happened for Mom- right there on the mat. God knows she wanted me to take over the chauffeur job she has.

The pay sucks.

Well she's happy- overdosed on Desperate Housewives and that's how we ended up having one of those shouting matches where you try not to laugh because it's all so dramatic. She's been reading one of my self-help books, another bad idea because they can be depressing. Robin Norwood- Women Who Love Too Much. If anything, she picked the right book (actually I slipped it in her handbag, oops). She's read all the magazines she stole from the clinic's waiting room, the threading lady and probably a few stores. She's even joined 6 competitions (which she chanced upon during the magazine phase) which she wants to mail out before friday (translation- mil, you do it) and today she watched Fanaa even though she knew I was pms-ing.
If you don't know by now that I'm an absolute crybaby then well... you probably wouldn't be reading this. Yea so there I am, lower lip trembling (such sad music, people!) while fetching her pillows and stamps (for the big mail-out).

Damn these hormones will be the death of me.

Tomorrow, I wait for you to come.
Wee.

Gratitudinal

Only thought in head:
Bed wants me. I want bed. Let's make each other happy.

Interesting fact:
For Human Motivation, as an extra credit assignment, students are required to keep a gratitude journal. In all honesty, it's a piece of cake, she might as well hand in the 2% without reading the crap we're going to send in. But, let me say that it is a great thing to do, extra credit or not. Bad days come and go, but when you have to write down one thing to be grateful for (and for a whole month too), complaining IS going to feel and look stupid.
I've only done two days, but just the act of starting it has made me think of things to write about. I would suggest this to anyone, especially those of us with attitude problems. Haha.

"WHY ME!"

"LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!"

Ok, seriously? Shut up already.

I ain't mockin them (ok, I am) but why do we do that? Sure, we're allowed to self-absorb now and then but there should be a limit.

Another interesting fact:
Human Motivation class has been more fun than I thought it would be. It's so much more than self-help books you know?
OH MY ANOTHER MYTH BUSTED.

HAHAHA.
Yes folks it is true. Oprah is just about the money. Buying Steve Chandler or Barbara Sher wont work alone. Just reading it isn't enough. All you gotta do is get your damn butt off that damn chair. I swear. That's it.
It comes down to one thing.
Inertia.
I can see everybody nodding.

Yet another interesting fact:
If you didn't already know, sex is just about one of the most motivating factors in a human beings. I'm pretty sure everybody knew this but it is so fun to be scandalous.
SEX SEX SEX! OH GOODNESS SHE SAID THE S WORD. That's what it used to be right? the S word (no, not Shit!), the Word, the forbidden thing. Wrong.

Ok, I grew up. I hope you do too.

Something I would find hard to say normally but am saying it now because I'm already going with it:
Today I felt like absolute shit, but I'm happy I pulled through. To the people who matter; sorry I didn't say anything, I really didn't want to talk about it (because the tears would have then become inevitable and I know you'll start if I do, because that is how contagious I am).
I'll tell you someday soon, when I can laugh about it.

Today I felt happy being in class with the newly-straightened girl (like the name...I guess not). Thanks girl for laughing the loudest so everybody turned to look at us just to laugh at us. Including our lecturer.

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes of your goal."

Pretty Haze

Greetings. And salutations.

Hello and welcome to the let-down.
Gee I feel really distant from you.
Gee I wonder why.
I have not been faithful have I?
No. You have not.

Any particular reason?
Yes. I've been whizzing. Whizzing and hurtling through time.
This week has gone by fast, I still feel like it's Monday.
It's Saturday.

Yesterday, I dreamt I took the SPM again.
I failed obviously (only the worst in dreams) and then I was kidnapped by a pervert (well, he certainly wasn't decent).
The worst part of the dream? I managed to escape but I left my brother behind.
The worst sister.
Only the worst in dreams.

For some stupid reason, in the SPM there was practical too (as opposed to theory where you're sentenced behind a desk to write, color in small circles and wither while watching the clock.
So much fun.
So how would a practical exam go? Mind you, this was something everyone had to do, no matter if you were in Arts or Science. This is why on that day, the crowd seemed double the usual size. Perhaps the entire school had to take it.
So hundreds of us lined up for hundreds of minutes to go up to a podium, do a small dance and walk away.
Honestly I can't remember what we had to do once we got up there, but I distinctly remember never getting a turn.
High school politics.

Today I realized something. I'm in the 8th Grade for piano but I feel like I'm in the 5th.
Miss Ellen told me I had to decide when to take my theory. March '07, September '07, when I get back from Australia, during my stay in Australia, or never.
Surprisingly, it is not tempting to take the last option. Simply because for some wierd reason I kind of enjoy the theory bit. It's just hard to feel competent when you have no time for it.
Nope, that's not a good excuse is it.
I'm still thinking, because I have to re-take my practical as well. Choices, choices.
Initially I was looking at March '07 to do the theory thing. But it's pretty clear that this is pretty damn idealistic.

Oh well.
You live and you learn.

Why the pretty haze? Because yes, the haze is deathly, but it looks pretty under the streetlights.
So pretty.

But When

I believe I was typing out a post, but I was rudely interrupted as Dad wanted to play freecell. Haha. Unfortunately, last night would have been a better night to post. A little less pessimism perhaps but I might be funnier today. Maybe, perhaps, eh.

Hello to all. I would like to say thank you for all the comments once again, it feels good that you check up on me. Thanks for sharing my apparently contagious enthusiasm.

"Where should I kiss you?"

My face. It is bare without your kisses.

"Why should I kiss you?"

Because I want you too.

"When should I kiss you?"

Only when I feel ready, when I wouldn't object and when I am comfortable enough to call you names and hit you when you say something chauvinistic.

"Oh."

Yea, thanks for the insightful feedback.

No worries, this is totally random. But certainly resembles me.
Deal with it.

Why should I feel bad about having my own rules?
Why should you make me feel bad about even having principles?
By the way, I may look and sound totally principle-less but you would be sadly mistaken.
Buddy.
Expect the unexpected. I learnt that one.
What did you learn?

I'm content, thank you for asking. Just the racing thoughts, nothing to worry about.

I shall have to update you someday.
Not today.

She is Restless

Yes she is. She is waiting. Oh my.
Bring me to my paradise.
I am waiting to see.

Tell me to live, baby!

HAHA! I am so cheesy. Thank you for the thoughtful comments it is nice to know that you give a shit. Seriously.
Yes, what brought this all on though?
After taking Readings into Modern Literature, my head fell into place. Yes I'm pretty sure it wasn't there before. Certainly not in Developmental class.
And I neglected to mention all the fun I had in Miss Angela's class. I pretty much ate her head too. I'm a bad bad kid.
Miss Angela is a darling that taught me all about Austen, Shakespeare and the works. But that wasn't all it was. She taught me and reminded me how fun it is to have somewhere to belong to. A group of people that you feel comfortable and a never-ending supply of food.
Joy joy joy.

But the clock is ticking.
I am waiting!

4ever

Wowee.
weeeeeee.
As you might assume, I'm doing great. =)
These hols have been probably one of the best hols in my life, aside from the Bali trip.
And today marks my first meat meal after about a week. Boy I need my meat.
For those who are unaware and blissfully ignorant (HAHA!), it is during this time frame that Hindus celebrate Navarathri (literally translates to nine nights). If you are familiar with the Catholic event called Lent, this is quite similar to this, except (Thank God) this doesn't last for 40 days.
It is during this time that our will and self-discipline is truly tested. Abstain abstain.
Thankfully, I did it.
I think having people who love meat as much as I do abstaining along with me made everything easier. =) God bless them.
I miss watching Friends, my pc is acting up, not allowing me to play many of the episodes that I carefully stored in my hard drive. Damn you, damn you!
I sense a change in the way I write, I believe that I sound more carefree, this is because I am!
Of course many major events have taken place (besides Navarathri), one of them being a change of heart. I am seriously considering stepping away from psychology.
It just ain't my thang, ya know?
Heee heee. Boy when I put it that way...
but actually that pretty much sums up the way I feel.
It's not my passion, I am pretty sure.
I would consider myself pretty decisive ( I think so at least, but of course I may not be the best judge of character for myself), so when I decided on psychology, I thought well this is it. Of course I wanted to be flexible too but I couldn't imagine doing anything else (i.e. business, mass comm, engineering, law) that wouldn't lower myself in mud in the eyes of my parents.
Lower myself in mud...more like drown in it. Err...ok getting off topic.
But I feel pretty stupid now because I'm surprised that the option I'm considering hadn't crossed my mind earlier. I've loved reading my whole life, and always knew that I was doing better in languages.
You should have seen me in Italian class. Seeing is believing, ei? Yea well I literally ate my teacher's head off. It was immense fun.

La la la. I'm off with a wink and a smile.