Touch Down

This is my first post since I've arrived in good ol' KL. By the way, it is still great despite the ridiculous price of petrol now (which is only good because there are less cars on the road. wheeeee highway!!! I ain't speeding, don't give me that glare Darling!).

I arrived on Saturday, 21st June at approximately 10.10pm. The flight was stupid and my only savior was a book I bought just the day before leaving (well, of course what else would your savior be). I was upset too because I had to say goodbye (god Mil you're dramatic) to my darling. This stupid Australian girl was staring at me as I sniffled into my tissue like she'd never seen a person cry before. I mean, geez, what do I look like to you, a soap opera?? (Hmm, maybe so, considering the drama that happens around me.)

I was so nervous to see Mom and Dad, I mean in a good way, I didn't know what I would say and what I would do when I saw them, especially Mom (fully knowing she would burst into tears the moment she saw me, which she did by the way). I was too happy to cry but I already did my part on the plane anyway (as always, WHY do i choose the damn airplane to do this, WHY). But all in all, it was so wonderful to see everyone again and you know this beats Skype any old day (Skype can kiss my bum by the way, their call quality sucks big time but I still need it to communicate with my other half so Skype if you're reading this, I do love you :D).

Sunday was great- I managed to get up in time for coffee AND the ashram, both equally superb. I don't like being fussed over but it was really touching how so many people inquired about me through mom and dad. It's always nice to know that people care about you, even if you aren't aware of it. Don't underestimate those around you is all I can say after this.

All in all, it's been really great but there are just two teeny tiny flies in my ointment, and they both have names that I shall not mention here (*coughdevilscough*). I pause now as I debate within myself about what to say and what not to say here but the bottom line is that I easily lose my temper with one of the flies in particular. She, I mean It, just rubs me the wrong way I suppose.

Let me start over. These flies that I talk about are actually people I'm related to. They don't come often, which I thank the Lord for but when they do, our lives are literally turned upside down. When I was a teenager, my rage was worse, my temper utterly horrible and out of control when they made their visits. I made my feelings nearly transparent and I'm sure I hurt the people I love with my actions and words. However, the most important thing that I didn't do was question these outbursts that happened frequently. Now that I'm older, I feel (although my feelings could be wrong obviously) that I have better control over my temper and that even though I get angry almost every time It opens Its mouth, I attempt to reply It in a calm manner. But like I said, I could be wrong. Also, as I grew older, I started thinking about the cause of my almost irrational anger towards It. I say it is almost irrational because it isn't only me who becomes impatient towards Its' constant stream of chatter, commands, requests and comments. This only makes me feel slightly better though, because I wanted to understand why exactly it was me who kept on getting angry at It (by the way, am I completely evil to name her It but even if I am, never mind, allow me to continue; perhaps it gives me a sort of aesthetic distance for now to write without getting angry all over again).

Therefore, while all this questioning was going on, before I arrived home, I told myself to try and not lose my temper and to really try this time. It was then that I realized that I tell myself the exact same thing almost every time I know that I'm about to face this particular situation, only to disregard this sensible advice even after just a few days spent with It.
However, it was only today that a sudden realization came to me (and as it always happens, it hits you when you're not thinking about it, and it hits you years later even though it's been staring at you in the face for all those years). Maybe, I'm slightly jealous of all the privileges that this fly receives. Think about it. This is a relatively young fly; eleven this year to be exact. Yet she has an iPod, something me, a twenty-one year old doesn't even dream of possessing. If you know me well enough, the way most of you do, you would know that having an iPod is an extremely unimportant thing to me. However, I use this example to show you the stark contrast between us. When I was eleven, I used an old walkman to play my music (and loved it to death, might I add). But then, thinking about it again, times have changed, so this isn't a very good example. Kids these days own a handphone by the time their eight years old, some even younger. So then, what is it, you may ask.

I think the thing that bites me the most is how she is allowed to speak her mind so freely and get away with it so damn easily.

Even though she gets admonished every now and then, it is only those few times. If we (I refer to other people in my family), at the age of eleven had decided to speak our minds (and I'm sure I did, knowing me and my brazen ways) we would have been smacked silly (which was certainly what happened with me, boy did I get smacked silly when I was younger). I am jealous that nobody disregards her opinions and tells her to shut the hell up. Perhaps this is because she is the youngest in our whole family,so they listen to her intently, even when they don't want to or don't have to. She butts in where she is not needed almost anywhere and everywhere and nobody tells her to mind her own business (it does happen like I mentioned but not always which is enough to hit on my nerves), she interrupts adults while they're having a private conversation and nobody stares at her like she's grown three horns on her head (I used to get that feeling plenty of times- people staring at me as if I had grown sharp extensions atop my skull).

I'm jealous that at this age, adults treat her almost like an adult while I at that age was still considered just a child (better to be seen than heard, was that the old adage?). I used to seeth with rage, wishing to grow older faster, so that people would take me seriously. At times, I still feel that way, perhaps because of the way I look (assuming all my readers have met me in person, I'm extremely short and I'm not exaggerating). As a kid, I knew I had great ideas but nobody wanted to listen to them and I was angry. Enter the fly who spouts frivolous things most of the time and everyone listens to her. This is what has been bugging me and I still cannot accept it. But what could I do? When I feel frustrated I go to Mom and she listens with a sympathetic ear but ends with the advice, "Be patient." While this isn't bad advice, it's not something that helps me very much. But what can she do either? Also, obviously Mom has so much more to deal with so complaints are the last thing she needs to hear at this point of time. I bitch to the right hand alot and she certainly makes me feel better when I'm done but what can she do too?

Bottom line is, there is nothing to do but to accept it and accept it fast before I go insane trying to change things I can't change. Today I spoke to Babes and used the word Karma. Right after I said that, I knew it was the perfect thing to say. Karma will be a better teacher, whoever She comes to. So there you go. I'll let it go now.

Ok, I admit it's rather fun bitching about it, but it is not fun having to deal with it, so perhaps by writing this, I develop a certain kind of understanding of this situation. Because in reality, it is not all her fault. It is the authorities that raise her. If there is little or no admonition, how would she know when to speak her mind and when not to? I only channel my anger towards her because it is her doing the talking (and also her accent grates my ears like a piece of chalk screeching against the surface of a blackboard).

This has been a long and boring post, so I'll be back with nicer things I hope. Loves to all and extra love to my Dear. It is super wierd without you around.