I Thinked

I thought...

- that I would have all the time in the world to update this site, not only to keep my scarce but precious readers happy but to indulge myself in free-thinking and writing for pleasure

- that I could spend hours reading new books and writing here at least four to five times a week

- that I would certainly have some amount of time to myself, because this is so crucial to my well-being; i love people but I need at least an hour or two to be with just me.

- that I would have a lovely holiday

but ah,I thought wrong.

Gee, why so negative Mil, that ain't like you. True, this isn't like me at all, but this is the way I've been feeling for quite awhile now, and this is my first chance to come here and talk about it. However I can't bring myself to start complaining when I know that generally I'm a pretty damn lucky lady.

Basically, what is the point of could have, should have and would have if it's already past. I suppose I have to make do with what I have, which isn't much given the current situation, but it's something. What am I babbling about?
The reason(s) I haven't been supremely satisfied are, well, the flies. From the moment I open my room door after a nice shower until the moment I close my room door to request, no, demand some privacy to talk to Babes (because, really, I don't know what I would do without him and his patient ears) I am bombarded from every possible angle. Oh, the fly. If I didn't have that small, barely-there conscience in me, I would have squashed it by now. Oh yes.

I don't want to say anymore because like I said, I am a lucky person, people have got it much worse, I'm sure. But what really kills me about all this is that I don't have my parents and my brother all to myself like I usually would have without the flies around.

I steal precious moments alone with mom and dad because it is such a pleasure when we are able to talk freely without the conniving and prying ears of the fly. I sit with my brother when he studies because otherwise it is always there, ready to jump in with an unnecessary question or comment. It makes me want to cry when I think about it properly. I don't care for the most part that I have to do an endless amount of things for these flies, I'm glad to in some way because then they leave mom alone for awhile. I don't give a damn that the fly comes into my room and touches my things when I'm not around. I couldn't care less that they use my car when I'm knocked out in the mornings. After thinking about it further, I would even go as far as to say that I don't mind not having time to read or update this site as often as I want to, or sit in my room with music in my ears to block out the chaos that takes place in my house.

I just want my family.