Monologue

Would you look at that?

Last post published on the 7th of July, 20008. *clicks tongue* Shame on you, Mil. There goes the pipe dream of writing everyday.
So, alot of things happening here in the land of KL. Anwar got arrested, roads got blocked, people get riled up and other people don't give two spits. I'm not sure which category I belong to, all I know is that who are we to judge this poor guy who is under extremely public scrutiny. Boy would I get plastic surgery if I were you, Mr. Ibrahim!

And of course, alot of things happening in the Sadhwani household, nothing new, nothing new. I feel underappreciated, trodden on, happy and frustrated all at the same time but eh, life goes on.
So, ahm. I have no privacy left. Yep, people come in and out of my room daily, to take showers, to play computer games and once in awhile poke and prod through my stuff as if they own everything but surprisingly I'm taking it in calmly.
It was only today as I sat down in my room and looked around that I realized that it bugged me to hell and back. Eh, I can't call anything my own anymore, I thought to myself.
My drawers have been open, my table has been touched, my shower has been used but worse...my bookshelf has been tainted. Yes folks, my bookshelf was opened and closed while I was gone and I could tell the moment I walked through my damn door. Oh, so much drama, Mil!
Despondent, I looked around my room once again and felt incomplete. Nothing was mine yet everything was 'mine'. What do I have left. I guess all that's left, I realized, is what is inside me and around me. Not the material things, not the phsyical things. It feels *WARNING- major drama alert* like everything's been taken from me. But no matter how hard you or anyone else tries, you can't take the things that truly matter from me. You can't take myself away- my tears, my laughter, my sorrows, my joy, my pride, my sense of self, my essence. I have been left cold without everything but the knowledge that I have friends who care, everywhere I bother to look, their smiles, their stupid jokes, their comforting words, their little quirks- this warmth is what takes me through the day and the night.
No matter how hard you try, you can't take all this away, can you?

And that's what it's all about.

I Thinked

I thought...

- that I would have all the time in the world to update this site, not only to keep my scarce but precious readers happy but to indulge myself in free-thinking and writing for pleasure

- that I could spend hours reading new books and writing here at least four to five times a week

- that I would certainly have some amount of time to myself, because this is so crucial to my well-being; i love people but I need at least an hour or two to be with just me.

- that I would have a lovely holiday

but ah,I thought wrong.

Gee, why so negative Mil, that ain't like you. True, this isn't like me at all, but this is the way I've been feeling for quite awhile now, and this is my first chance to come here and talk about it. However I can't bring myself to start complaining when I know that generally I'm a pretty damn lucky lady.

Basically, what is the point of could have, should have and would have if it's already past. I suppose I have to make do with what I have, which isn't much given the current situation, but it's something. What am I babbling about?
The reason(s) I haven't been supremely satisfied are, well, the flies. From the moment I open my room door after a nice shower until the moment I close my room door to request, no, demand some privacy to talk to Babes (because, really, I don't know what I would do without him and his patient ears) I am bombarded from every possible angle. Oh, the fly. If I didn't have that small, barely-there conscience in me, I would have squashed it by now. Oh yes.

I don't want to say anymore because like I said, I am a lucky person, people have got it much worse, I'm sure. But what really kills me about all this is that I don't have my parents and my brother all to myself like I usually would have without the flies around.

I steal precious moments alone with mom and dad because it is such a pleasure when we are able to talk freely without the conniving and prying ears of the fly. I sit with my brother when he studies because otherwise it is always there, ready to jump in with an unnecessary question or comment. It makes me want to cry when I think about it properly. I don't care for the most part that I have to do an endless amount of things for these flies, I'm glad to in some way because then they leave mom alone for awhile. I don't give a damn that the fly comes into my room and touches my things when I'm not around. I couldn't care less that they use my car when I'm knocked out in the mornings. After thinking about it further, I would even go as far as to say that I don't mind not having time to read or update this site as often as I want to, or sit in my room with music in my ears to block out the chaos that takes place in my house.

I just want my family.