Fragmented thoughts

I've recently managed to pass up three challenging assignments and have four more to finish. I'm enjoying the creative process immensely but at the same time I am craving a break. It's a wierd combination.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I read this book last year, around September or October and it blew my mind. I recently re-read it and I think it's worth mentioning here: Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy (2005). Published by Pocket Books in London. Ahm, I suddenly adore referencing because I've been doing loads of that recently. Teehee. I shall discuss this book further when I'm finished with everything.

Time is fleeting and so brief. Somehow, it'll be 11pm before I know it and I'll be looking forward to drinking coffee on my front step in the morning with Babes before class. Sometimes I think that's my favourite time of the day, before everything begins and because that's when the sun comes out, in her strongest moment, overpowering the tiny pale moon that just a few hours ago, was the only source of light. It get's dark here at 6 o' clock in the evening these days and if I'm inclined to believe everything I hear, then it'll be getting dark earlier as the days pass by.

I had a lovely conversation just a few minutes ago. One of my friends is attempting to quit smoking and has been semi-successful (which we shall applaud to, semi or not, it is still a small step to a daunting task). As me and my other half stole a few precious moments alone in the cold midnight, he crept up behind us and stood three feet away as we inhaled and exhaled plumes of smoke. He stood there and it puzzled me. I wasn't aware that he was planning on doing just exactly that; standing there. As I watched him, my puzzlement turned to amusement as I realized that he had come to inhale our leftovers. I asked him how he was doing with quitting. He revealed then, that he only had one cigarette since the Saturday that had passed. I was impressed. After awhile, perhaps feeling the need to explain himself, he said that it was not that he couldn't live without it; it was just that he was craving it from time to time. I mused over this for awhile, then commented:

"Doesn't that just mean that you can't live without it?"
"No, it just means that I want it," he answered.

A sudden thought came then.

"So, it means that it is your infatuation, but, not your true love."
"Exactly."

That is precisely what it was, and what it is. It is an adolescent infatuation with something wild and dangerous. You can liken it to having a crush on a celebrity (we remember those days, don't we?). We are attracted to these sticks the same way a fourteen-year-old boy was attracted to Pamela Anderson. However, after a certain number of years, the phase dies off and we are left with little, or no feelings of it.Can the same be said for our infatuation? Will it eventually die off without any effort on our parts? I think not, even if I would rather lie to myself. With celebrity infatuation, it can be explained away by fluctuation of hormones, especially during puberty, thus, when our systems are more or less stabilized, we rarely get such strong and intense feelings after that. With this infatuation, there is no fluctuation regarding biology. If we let it, and if adolescents continue with their infatuation, it grows into obsession. If I have to be brutally honest, there is no way in hell do I want to be obsessed with nicotine.

What is my point? I want to say that I have cut down significantly, but that is no solution. It is a small step in my viewpoint but I am sadly biased. I suppose my point is, that I never saw it in this way until today, and I just wanted to share my a-ha moment with you. And yes, even if I do promise to put an end to it, would you believe me? At times, I have trouble believing it myself. But I try. No, because as Yoda once said: "Do or do not, there is no try." So I shall do.