Comfort Zone

Defeat Before Confrontation

2012-01-10T15:54:00.002+08:00

It really bugs me when I experience negativity. At the risk of sounding like a New Age freak, it throws my whole being off balance and I find I need to readjust myself in case I fall off my precarious pole of naive beliefs. Am I naive for advocating positivity? Maybe. Do you laugh at people like that? Possibly.

But it irks me when people give up before even trying. It really just defeats the whole point of life. Also, what does it mean when you say you've failed? Doesn't it just mean that you gave up a few tries ago?

Just because you are uncomfortable experiencing rejection, disappointment, let-downs and No's doesn't mean that you can avoid it for the rest of your life. It is part of life. The point is that you tried. I think I've become fairly thick-skinned after working in the servicing industry and having to deal with angry white folks who didn't get their take-away on time. An extremely stressful period over the weekend when I had first started out my second waitressing job at Perth. It was maybe only the second weekend rush that I had experienced, having been thrown at the cashier station after little practice. I have a slow learning curve (no shock there, I am generally a slow person, yes I am the last person eating at almost every family meal) thus I usually am upfront about how long it might take me to learn something. But once I do, there is almost no problem.

So, there I was standing there like a fool, my mouth gaping at the stream of customers that invaded our small restaurant after 7p.m. And I panicked badly. My hands were shaking, my heart was beating fast and my throat slightly raw from screaming into the kitchen to call my co-worker. It wasn't the best of times. But if I hadn't been put on the war-zone, I never would have learnt how to be fast and how to respond to customers. Barely a year passed before I decided to set my sights on something bigger - and managed to, thanks to the informal but handy training I got from this small restaurant.

Persevere in rough times, and you'll reap rewards later. Oh and screw the naysayers.

Limbo

2012-01-07T14:36:00.001+08:00

Sixth day. I don't wake up craving it anymore. My mind is still a little confused, having been imprinted with the effects of nicotine. I don't think minds forget so easily, but I do know that I can adapt - most human beings can actually. It's a hungover from evolutionary times; to be able to adapt to almost any environment, to any routine, with any people. Why be afraid of change right?

I know I'm still being watched like a hawk though. Perhaps, I am expected to relapse because statistics say that smokers usually need between 2-4 attempts to finally quit for good. Relapses can happen anytime, especially with the trigger of bad news. Another fact I learnt is that smokers who were dependent on the cigarette during times of stress, frustration or anger, will find it harder to stop as there is no alternate way to manage stress for the moment. I was one of these smokers. I would crave a cigarette whenever Mom's nagging got the better of me, or when I needed a break from writing at work. The workplace is usually a source of stress, especially with deadlines and catty colleagues. But it doesn't have to be this way. As cheesy as this sounds, I just need a way to manage stress; one that doesn't include popping a plum tablet in my mouth even.

How do you manage stress, aside from the obvious breathing techniques? I remember as a teenager, back then before I tried cigarettes, my grandmother said something awful to me. She meant well, I think but I got upset (stupid swinging teenage hormones, I swear!) and ran from the dinner table in typical dramatic flair. I went to my room and sat in the corner. Finally, I reached over to push play on my CD player and Switchfoot's Dare you to Move came on. It was a song about moving along even after getting beaten down. Grandma might not have beaten me, but the music soothed me, like ice-cold lemonade to a parched throat.

I'm remembering what I was like when I was young - before cigarettes (maybe cigarettes helped the growing up process - I thought I was so cool, smoking along with my peers in college). I used to enjoy food, used to run around and be active a lot more, used music as an escape and I didn't need to get intoxicated to have a good time.

I always said I never wanted to grow up. It's time I regressed and found out why I eventually ended up selling out.

Resisting the Urge

2012-01-04T12:01:00.001+08:00

So it's the third day of my new life as a non-smoker and I have to say despite the crazy urges and almost giving up, I've made it this far. Never in the past six years have I gone this long without a cigarette and perhaps there was a time when I thought I could never do it.

I am drinking coffee right now and this is possibly the hardest challenge thus far. Coffee is like my morning booze and you know what goes very well with booze, yes those pretty little cancer sticks. Here are some things that have really helped me in the past three days:

1. Meditating/ taking deep breaths.
2. Distracting myself with almost anything, be it a phone call, talking to a friend, singing out loud (especially in the car which used to be my favourite place to smoke) and cursing cigs.
2. Eating 'asam' tablets, or better known as plum. This has helped immensely with the cravings; something about those tiny Pikin sourish circles that give me some sort of oral satisfaction.
3. Physical exercise, like badminton and swimming.
4. Listening to heavy metal and air drumming along (and cursing cigs as well).
5. Listening to calming music (when the cursing is over).
6. Thinking about how proud everyone will be of me.
7. Thinking of all the people who were skeptical (here's a middle finger to you, no seriously, stop dripping your negativity all over my clean sheets of positive energy, ASSHOLE).
8. Drinking or munching on something. I find even drinking something like soy bean helps me forget I want to smoke.
9. Creating new things to do to fill the time I used to spend smoking.
10. Pretending I have a stick between my fingers, putting the imaginary thing in my mouth and taking a long and satisfying puff (as stupid as I look, this really works).

I'll write more about my experience in the coming days. I feel like cigarettes have been my long-time lover and I am trying to get over this pack of stamina-robbing twigs. I think about them almost the whole day and I am longing for a day when I can finally say "I'm over you." And so help me God, I will.

My New Life As a Non-Smoker

2012-01-03T01:38:00.002+08:00

So I finally took the plunge and decided to quit cigarettes. My reasons for this involved many things, of which include mortality, my Dad's mortality, the people I love, my poor lungs and hey, why not nurture my singing voice?

Today was the first day and it was a good challenge. More often than not, I felt like a fighter, putting my nose down at cigarettes and proud to be able to say NO! Other times got me thinking wistfully of these sticks, distant from a lost friend. I wrote a goodbye letter last night, and in it I put out the fact that cigarettes were like a friend to me, especially in my darkest hours. There was some sort of emotional attachment to a overrated box of cancer twigs. But I persevered, much to the surprise of many friends perhaps. My persona for the past six years had somehow gelded with cigarettes; many people associate me with Salems; one almost always in my hand, especially after meals or between work. Cigarettes were part of my routine, how I decided where to eat and and a constant companion especially on long car drives. In fact, my car had never known me as a non-smoker, having witnessed the many puffs I would take as I coast down a Malaysian highway, or crawl through a Malaysian jam. For 6 years, I held hands with cigarettes and now it is all over.

The bigger part of me is extremely happy, and has already planned many things to replace the habit (think lollipops). A small teeny tiny part of me is sad, because it feels like an era gone by. But even an era will eventually fade. And I have to remember that the good has to outweigh the bad and perhaps my trusted ciggies are more bad than good. Most definitely, I should say.

It's 2012 and the time has come to make some overhauls. The only thing I'm bringing with me from 2011 is the phrase "Why not?" Let's rock this joint.

Brand-worship Starts Early

2011-12-22T16:25:00.000+08:00

As a human being, I am insulted at the level of entertainment in the mainstream media. I feel like the creators behind this trash assume that the human race is stupid. If you look around properly, you may be able to understand why they think that way. But I believe we've all been duped, brainwashed, spoken down to and made to believe that this is the only way the world works. In January next year, a Mexican company will be bringing Kidzania to Malaysia. The premise of this 'edutainment' place is quite intriguing. Create a space for children where they pretend to be grown-ups, trying out different jobs, earning a salary and buying daily needs. "Wow, what a concept!" I thought. And kids LOVE to pretend that they're grown up. I remember clearly a time when I stupidly wanted to hurry up and be an adult so I could go to cool parties, stay out late at night and consume alcohol. Kids want to grow up fast because they think being an adult is a ball. They never find out about the ugly catch of course. So, Kidzania sounds good right; definitely a viable business. You bet your ass it is. Because they're replicating the real world, banks where the kids open their accounts are operated by CIMB. Brands went a bit nuts crawling all over Kidzania and putting out their brands. Elsewhere, Proctor and Gamble was involved to teach kids how to wash their hands. And of course, the spokesperson for P&G said that the aim was to hope that the kids would grow up remembering and eventually purchasing their brand when they grew up. This is really quite a genius move. Get the kid to remember happy childhood memories, which are now associated with P&G; and of course they're going to buy your soap, they're now officially emotionally attached to your product. Well done. Kinda creeps me out honestly. That's like brainwashing right from the start; teaching kids to be devoted to the brand from an early age. I don't know about this whole brand thing to be honest. I'm a little uneasy at the blatant advertising, but then again I'm not a friend of the current system of capitalism (it's totally screwed up, no one can deny that). The idea of advertising to kids then, you can imagine, leaves me frowning at the screen and squirming in my seat. This was brought up in a well-written piece in Newsweek but no further questioning was done. Because that's just the way things are. Banks exist, the job market exists and a fight to get a degree exists too. As usual, the system is left unquestioned. Well, now I ask you though. If you could re-create the world, how would you do it? As for me, I certainly wouldn't allow CIMB bank into my kid's world. Also, don't get me wrong, I'm not living in a bubble. Yes, this is the way the world works, and no doubt, Kidzania teaches responsibility and certainly educates a child, while allowing some creativity loose because they're allowed to be anything they want (well, as far as the job scope in Kidzania goes). There is also a Kidzania government who meet once in awhile, so hopefully that increases social justice awareness (I'd be curious to go in and take a look - and I'll try not to look like a creepy kid-stalker). But what about re-imagining the world? What if we had billboards with informative things on them, instead of a blown up image of Brad Pitt posing for some luxury brand? What if we could write out messages, what if graffiti was more appreciated? What if we could plant trees where the land is barren? What if we could refrain from using paper? What if we could really follow our passions? What if we imagined what we WOULD do if profit wasn't involved? Why stick to our boring real-world situation of collapsing financial structure and a stifling job pyramid? But I suppose that's the whole point of Kidzania - replicating the world as we know it. But goddamn it sucks, the way we know it.

Propaganda

2011-11-22T10:47:00.001+08:00

People will say almost anything to get you to do what they want, and I think this can be applied to the arena of jobs. An employer who is keen on hiring you, might be able to gauge what you want to hear and then feed you the appropriate lines. I think I can be easily convinced and this is not a good trait to possess. Now that I know though, I would like to take steps to think for myself and weigh options carefully before making a decision. Are you easily influenced? There's nothing wrong with admitting it and I think to a certain degree, most human beings are, even if they deny it. Think about the influence advertisements, music videos and sitcoms can have on our minds and the way we think. Don't be fooled into thinking that this hasn't affected you. In some unconscious way, I'm sure it has. It takes effort to think for ourselves which is why many people don't practice this. It takes effort to look within, instead of riding on the waves of external stimuli that bombard us everyday. It takes effort to sit in solitude and experience silence for awhile, away from the bustle of ordinary life. It takes effort to not let what people say affect your single-minded goals but I reckon it will be worthwhile not to give up. Screw the discrimination, deceit and propaganda. Turn your mind inwards and keep your eyes firmly fixed on your goals and uphold YOUR beliefs and values, not your boss or your mother's.

Juncture

2011-11-20T12:05:00.001+08:00

It's been a year and nine days since I've been back in Kuala Lumpur, a year that just whizzed by, uncontrollably before my eyes. This has been a challenging year, to say the least. I'm not sure though, if I would have done it differently. Things happen for a reason right? At the moment, the dilemma people my age seem to be facing is that big ugly word: 'job'. Well, actually it's quite a small word, but one that holds many connotations. It's so easy to become jaded, numb and depressed while on the job. And I think it's a sign if you wake up depressed on a Sunday, and dreading the next day before it even comes. Back to work, oh crap, I really don't want to, why is it Sunday, why can't it be Saturday again. These thoughts seem to come around every single Sunday. I suppose the best thing to do would be to suck it up or quit. And then we find reasons why we can't quit, at least not for now. I wish sometimes for some sort of divine intervention, but that's really not how life works. And I always thought of myself as a person who makes things happen. I don't want to be waiting around still, one year from now even. But I still don't know what it is that I have to make happen, I want many things and don't want many things. I read somewhere that the best way to be motivated is to actually think of the things you DON'T want to happen. Well, I don't want to work for someone else. I don't want to be dependent on anybody else. I don't want to be writing advertorial. I don't want my parents to be disappointed. Most of all, I don't want to dread my job. When I think of opening up my own business, the only thing that sticks in my head is that I am against selling useless stuff to people. The only thing that seems useful to me are books, hence, the most viable business for me would be to sell knowledge to people. Malaysia however, is not very big on reading. Judging by the response to the big book sale recently however, maybe there are enough who would visit my store. If I could convince my dad to hand over the money he's probably saving for my wedding, I'm all set. Yea, that's NOT going to be easy, considering the fact that he's planning to get me married off ASAP. You might wonder why I'm not freaking out. Been there, done that. I can't tell you the amount of times my dad has scared the shit out of me this year alone, suddenly bringing up marriage at a quiet lunch and making me run for the hills. Not gonna happen Dad, I'm sorry.

Nietzsche on a Monday

2011-11-14T11:44:00.001+08:00

I seem to be writing all my posts from the office, which is where I spend the majority of my time. The itch to get a portable writing instrument is growing stronger by the day, and I reckon it would be a very good investment. Perhaps a shiny iPad or even something less highbrow. Many of my hours have been spent on the road, getting stuck in typical Kuala Lumpur traffic jam which shows no sign of reversing or slowing down. In fact, the general consensus seems to be that it is getting worse by the day. A public holiday in KL is like extra presents on Christmas Day, with the exhilarating feeling of coasting down a usually-packed highway. Freedom, perhaps or just the illusion of it. I'm easily fooled. I had a very unproductive weekend and because of this, I am determined not to have another. The weekend that passed should be used to serve my ever-weakening purpose of Getting Somewhere Good. I'm not sure where I'm going to, to be honest but enough of that already. I had an opportunity to get behind the scenes at a workshop for human rights recently. But because of the way life has been going lately, it was banned because the Malaysian government is made up of homophobes and anti-West pushers. Hypocrisy at its best. I was quite sad because I learned so much in the two days that I was in attendance, and met so many new people. I do enjoy pushing my boundaries, now I just need to find other outlets. There is a blanket of oppression that seems to suffocate Malaysia. Perhaps it is my paranoia talking but I can't help but feel that what goes on behind closed doors are an indicator of a society's health. And I reckon that Malaysia isn't so healthy to be honest. Malaysians don't know how to be true to themselves, myself included. I have been reading a lot on being true to yourself and I think things like these can easily be spun in the wrong direction. Being true to yourself doesn't necessarily mean following every whim and desire. You can't help how you feel but you can choose how you respond or act upon it. Being true means sticking to what you truly believe in, even while remaining open-minded to new suggestions. It is the balance of following your heart and listening to the nagging voice in your head. If something feels wrong, then it probably is. No one can say it isn't wrong, because everyone's perception of right and wrong will differ. Like Nietzsche said: "You do it your way, I shall do it my way. As for the right way and the wrong way, there is no such thing." More on this soon. Gotta get back to my wine-tasting notes. Whoopeeeeeeee!

Goddamn

2011-10-10T19:11:00.003+08:00

It is 6.54p.m and I'm the last one in the office. It is one of those days where I realize that I don't feel productive and am not living my full potential. And then I wonder what my potentials are and where or what I'm supposed to be. I think back to the last time I was productive; which I pin down to the day I wrote an article about an art gallery that I really enjoyed visiting. That was quite awhile ago, last month or maybe before that to be perfectly honest. And I shut my eyes and think really hard about the last time I exalted in the feeling of being useful and it always comes back to life in Perth. I remember the sweet feeling or researching and writing and scribbling ideas and debating and reading and cursing and having someone tell me that I got it. Of being around people who could carry many conversations about politics, the world, journalism, the war on terror etc. It is a lonely life, the life of a writer. There are many times when I have felt like an antisocial outcast because society expects one to socialize. I am a dreamer, very much an idealistic one that at this moment, is struggling to be realistic, at the same time not wanting to lose the wanderer in me. I am feeling lost, and I definitely don't have a sense of direction. I also ponder about ending up alone since I seem to prefer solitude, but that is a problem that is far away. At the moment, I just long for that feeling again. I sometimes wonder if it was a fluke but I couldn't have been fluking for a whole year now, could I? I'm trying to remember what drove me and for the life of me, I can't right now. Was it a last-ditch desperate attempt to get good grades in my final year? Was it the realization that I could do better? Was it the lingering fear that my grandmother was watching me? (haha - maybe not).Or could it have been that I really enjoyed what I was doing? That was definitely a HUGE part of it. The problem with me is that I'm unsure how to motivate myself when I have no interest whatsoever in what I'm working on. I'm quite a child in that way. I'm essentially, at the moment, stuck in a comfort zone so deep, so wide that I don't know the first thing about climbing my way out. I'm guessing my choice is not going to be easy. But I am still at the crossroad I was, 10 months ago. Goddamn everything.

My September weekend

2011-09-26T11:39:00.000+08:00

I had a good weekend, better than the weekends that came before because after a long time, I am finding my sense of purpose. It was a little emotional as I am still trying to straighten out my curly internal conflicts and not get into any more conflicts while I'm doing this. Ever since I've come back from Perth, I feel like I've entered some sort of whirlwind, where I'm just moving in circles, and not in one direction but many, getting pulled and pushed along until I get lost, the strong wind carrying me and placing me somewhere unknown. It is funny how we wouldn't go somewhere foreign without a map but we fail to 'map' out or lives and specify goals and dreams unfulfilled. Friday evening finally came, a long-awaited night although the week had passed very quickly. I had been out everyday, there were many things going on in good ol' KL, like the KL Design Week which coincided with the London version (but it would be unfair to compare the two, surely). I felt like my mind was opening slowly but surely with all the new things I saw. I was fortunate enough to catch an audio-visual feat, created by the Light Surgeons on Wednesday and a series of images from local designers and artists at the KL Pecha Kucha Night that took place earlier on Monday. It was a powerful thing to imagine that this event started off in Japan and spread like wildfire to so many other countries in a few years. I would think there's no harm in looking elsewhere for inspiration, especially when it comes to life. On Thursday, I finished researching for a shopping survey I had to do for the new publication coming up in my company. I have to catch up on my writing since I've been out everyday of the office, but I reckon it was all worth it, especially when Friday did finally appear. I had tickets to watch Ahmed Ahmed, the dishy American-Egyptian comedian who liked to put on his Middle Eastern accent. It took some time to finally get to the ballroom where he was scheduled to perform, thanks to the wonderful mechanisms of Kuala Lumpur jam and my impeccable perception of time. I was the default driver (am looking into retiring soon or at least charging for petrol) and picked up the boys. We reached nearly half an hour after the scheduled time but thanks to GMT (General Malaysian Timing), the show had not started yet. It was a strange crowd, a mix of the eager media people, triumphantly smirking at getting free tickets and the glitzy VIPS who had perfect hair and six inch heels. I gaped rudely with my mouth hanging slightly open at the sight of the rich and famous. What is it about them that instantly reduces you to feel so self-conscious about your own slightly-lesser 3-inch heels and not so slight disheveled hair? Is it the bored, glazed and jaded look on their face, or is it the fact that they're so good-looking, you immediately feel an instant wave of ugliness? It is this prickle of inequality and that split second where you wish you too could experience the plush interior of a shiny silver Peugeot and walk down the hallways of Hilton in your silk bathrobe. Studies have shown that the less equal a society, the more crime, social ills and problems that occur in said society. If the average middle class could feel that painful prick of inequality, imagine what the invisible below the poverty line must feel. But all was forgotten when the lights went out and the comedians took the stage. This comic talent is one to be taken seriously, as I do feel that comic men and women are one of the sharpest observers of human beings. They would be a gold mine to sociologists, in my opinion. I laughed much stress and pain away and it felt good. I didn't even feel shitty for cancelling a planned bus tour the next morning because I think I needed the sleep I got Saturday afternoon - I lazed in my faded Backstreet Boys t-shirt (hey, they're still better than N'SYNC okay?) and didn't shower until 7p.m. It was a quiet night out with dinner at Restoran Ismail for the briyani and more lazing at Ash's house.Sunday morning, I woke up at 6.15a.m and thought I was dreaming. I have not been up this early in a long time and even though I only had 3 hours of sleep, I miraculously made it out of the house and was on the way to plant trees along the riverbanks of Shah Alam. Now, Shah Alam is not the kind of place one would recommend a person, tourist or local to go. The roads are complicated and for some reason, they seem to love roundabouts there. I have spent a good portion of my life at these roundabouts, going round and round to buy time to figure out which exit to take. The riverbank however, had its own charm and imagining all the trees blossoming and sprouting right by the surprisingly clean river made me smile. I wasn't sure what to expect with planting trees, having never picked up a shovel in my life so I was surprised that it was actually quite a simple process if you remembered what to do. We were given a demonstration and were told that it would be easier without gloves. Seeing other people getting their hands dirty made me think that it wouldn't be so bad. This was until I remembered that there are other species on the planet, like pretty centipedes and graceful worms (I'm trying to be polite but yea, I screamed like a bitch when I saw the worm wiggling out of some soil nearby). Having said that, the moment my hands touched the dirt was a memorable one. It felt like I was about to nurture something important and give life to an otherwise empty grass lot. I imagined a strong majestic tree with deep green leaves that would reach out and hug me when I came back to visit. Many of the holes were deep and filled with water which we had to drain out so that the soil wouldn't be too soft to pack in. Then it was all about clenching fistfuls of soil and leveling it into the hole. The young tree was then gently un-freed from its black wraparound and placed into the middle of the hole, with infant TLC. The hole was then covered with more soil and fertilizer, all the better to feed nutrients to this growing life form and then we moved on to the next hole, repeating the process again. I was sure that at some point there was sand falling into inappropriate places on my body and we couldn't scratch the itch with our soiled hands but it was an extremely healing experience. I had, without thinking, invited friends on Facebook to this event, not even considering that anyone would show up - but two actually did! It was a very pleasant surprise and a welcome change to my usual routine. I really needed a weekend like this and maybe with a bit more healing, the conflict will lose its flow altogether. Here's to dreams unfulfilled because no one said you couldn't create new goals and look forward to everything else.

Why Not?

2011-09-08T19:03:00.000+08:00

I'm supposed to be writing about a spa in Seremban but I really can't be bothered reading up on candlenuts and papaya enyzmes. Sounds more like medicine than anything else really. Again and again I forget about this little place I have in the big open cyberspace and how nice it feels to write, about something other than products. Not that I'm not enjoying what I do, don't get me wrong. There are moments in the office when I feel truly useful and that yes, I have found my purpose. Of course, we all want more,because that's the only way to strive for a better tomorrow.

There's not much room for climbing the ladder here, if you want to get all corporate about things. I mean at my current job. But that is not what my heart desires anyway. Oh the heart. Such a strange beating bird. Mostly I'm staying in the office now to beat the jam (I make it sound like an Olympic sport...maybe it should be).

Life is mind-blowing sometimes, especially if you stop and think for awhile. This time last year, I was in Perth being a student and paying rent. That felt good. I can't begin to express how much I miss it all. The lectures and the lecturers, the lunch breaks, even the morning classes, over-spending money at the uni cafe once in awhile after getting sick of the average Asian stalls, going to work, complaining about work, eating dinner in my room, having Sonali bother the shit out of me, my housemates. I could go on for weeks to be honest.

And the thing is, I didn't actually mourn this loss. I sound like an absolute drama queen, but I really didn't. It was all quite rushed really, one minute I was planning out my life in Perth, I had even found a place to stay and the next I had decided to stay back in KL. I might have cried but I certainly didn't mull over my decision. Instead I decided to get enthusiastic about job-hunting and went for about four or five job interviews and then bummed around for two months. Which I don't regret of course. Then I started work in February and that was it. It feels like my whole life has gone by now, time moved by SO fast. Friggin' hell it's September!

Sometimes I feel like I'm watching my life go by, and if I listen properly I can almost hear the clock ticking. I don't know why I feel like I'm racing against time but I just keep thinking that if I don't decide and act upon what I really want, it's going to be too late. I don't want to think that I could have made a difference, and a change and I chose not to.

But the big bloody annoying question is what? Yea, I like my job, I like my life, I'm very comfortable...wait. That's it though. I am comfortable. It's too easy.

You know I was reading a book the other day called the Upside of Irrationality (thankfully my reading habit hasn't slowed just because I've started working...I have read so many things and I have so much to say...of course!). And there was a chapter called the IKEA effect, which summarizes that human beings generally tend to love something more, or get more attached when they've put in effort to build it. In fact, this is so true I would even apply it to relationships, but that's another story for another time. And you know, the way we live in KL, we don't do anything for ourselves. We have maids that we depend one, we have gardeners, we have it all extremely easy. And I have a niggling feeling that this is not the life that I want. I think I would feel more purposeful if I got up in the morning and made my own breakfast, like how I used to in Perth instead of having it made for me. I get a tiny sense of satisfaction when I make my own coffee, so I might be on to something.

The point is though, I feel slightly (okay, maybe a lot) useless because I'm not doing anything for myself, it's all been done for me. Of course there were moments in Perth when I wished and prayed so hard for a fairy godmother to swoop down from somewhere and help me do my laundry but I also remember feeling good, really really really good in Perth. I had a sense of accomplishment, a sense of calling everything mine. I had my own space, my own radio alarm clock, my own shoes, my own desk. And here it feels like its not really mine, like I'm living in someone else's room.

I should do my own shit, really. I need to stop living a borrowed life. And we really need to stop depending on the maid to do every single small thing. When the hell did we get so lazy dudes?

Alright, I'll start with a small goal: cook breakfast on Saturday. Mom will be happy too. Why the hell not?

Yea, next time you ask yourself why, counter yourself with WHY NOT. It's the best line I've ever used. Try it.

Find It Yourself

2011-04-26T14:59:00.003+08:00

So I'm a working girl now. No I do not identify with being a woman, yet. Maybe sometimes, when I need to bribe people to buy me chocolate to stave off the PMS blues.

It's been two months since I've started the writing job and I look back in wonder - where did the time go? Yes, I finally understand how people feel when they joyfully proclaim, "THE WEEKEND IS HERE!" When Friday comes around, I do feel actual bliss, especially when the hand on the clock says 6. I understand when people tell me that they're just too goddamn tired to come out and talk to people they don't really know or like. They want to sit at home and stare goofily at the wall. And I finally get that there's nothing wrong with that.

As usual, I'm trying to do too much with very little time. I think my life would be abnormal if I wasn't being Superman. I will not post up my plans here just because I don't want to jinx it and also because, if it's on the Internet then you can be assured that the whole world will know it. Actually, on second thoughts, there are a lot of things out there that goes unread. I am still plundering my way through undiscovered gems. Gah, I sound like a conventional travel writer - this is what working in a lifestyle magazine will do to you!

The office is quiet today, looks like it's a busy week for launches and press conferences. It's quite fascinating really, to be a part of all this. Sometimes I just want to sit in a corner and watch everything unfold. If you are a member of the media, you will be greeted warmly at the door. People will stand by to usher you to your seats and you will be given a goody bag (to be honest, the most exciting thing I got from a goody bag was mayonnaise but I'm not complaining). Of course, if you work in a glamorous magazine, the goody bag will be as shiny as you. There is almost always a good chance that you'll be fed by the end of the event, even if it's just light refreshments. I've seen a proper buffet and also been part of a sit-down meal (SWANKEH). The bottom line is, the public relations team of any company has to be nice to the media. And it makes me sad really, because it's all so fake. Oh boo-hoo, take a number, nobody cares.

Yea that's another thing you realize too - it doesn't matter if your life is falling apart at the seams, if you have something to do, you have to do it. No one is going to be there, handing you the tissue while you sob about your latest crisis. There might be someone there, but all they'll be handing you is another piece of paper. They might also demand an explanation for your missed deadline. No tears, no sympathy, no molly-coddling. Not everyone is going to be sympathetic if you can't find what you're looking for or if you got yelled at by the marketing guys.

And I think that is what's missing from education. We are so used to being spoonfed information that when we finally reach our respective offices, we blink when someone says, "Find it yourself."

Oh Malaysia, how you give me heartaches.

2010: Looking Back

2011-01-19T13:14:00.000+08:00

I spent the whole day rifling through my old posts and clearing up junk. I feel zen now, if that is an adjective. It should be, if it isn't. Last year, I went through some huge changes - with my life, my outlook on it and my habits. I learnt the value of hard work and of finishing things. 2010 was my last year as a university student at Murdoch. I am now a graduate, and I wouldn't be had I not gone through said changes. I'm not sure exactly, what brought it on. Maybe it was Gran, glaring down at me from wherever she was (I can imagine her gallivanting in PD or Chennai...trust her). I wonder if change always has to come from pain, but it does make sense.

In December 2009, Mima (beloved grandmother to me) passed away, peacefully, while sound asleep. I guess she didn't like the nurses we hired for her. It was painful for us, but it was nice to see her float away from her human shackles. There was a collective gasp, then a sigh of relief in our house. She had suffered enough.

In January 2010, I developed a weird case of shopaholicism. I went to One Utama weekly, hungrily going into shops and buying pretty new things. I wonder now if it was my own way of dealing with sadness. I also wonder if Gran possessed me for awhile, pissed off that Dad gave me a credit card and neglected to give her one.

In February 2010, I went back to Perth, plumper, darker and shiny with my new trinkets. I made new friends and took Children's Theatre. It was the beginning of the end. I organized a graduation party and was diagnosed with a Urinary Tract Infection.

In March 2010, I attended Vivek's graduation and got his Mom to hate me. 9 months later, I found out that she was just starting to like me. Oh, the irony. I auditioned for the part of the pirate in CT and got the role of the singing, dancing duck. I'll never live it down.

In April 2010, I went to IKEA and bought a wok for AUD$9.95. It grew a thin layer of rust after 5 months. I stopped asking the other half to come with me to movies. We began to lead separate lives, meeting back at the dinner table.

In May 2010, I performed my role as a dancing duck (they cut out the singing, damn you, short attention span!)in front of giggling children. I passed up all my assignments and fell back onto my chair, giddy with relief and exhilaration. I wanted to do it all over again. I booked my ticket for Melbourne and cried when I handed over my debit card to the flight agent. She was nice about it and gave me her name card to shut me up.

In June 2010, I signed on for a winter unit which specialized on comedy in plays. I studied Wilde, Fo and Stoppard. I watched countless movies and ironed clothes. I moved into my own room, without a room mate. I watched her move out and went to put up my posters on the ugly white walls. We went to see Me and Orson Welles two months later. I quit my job at the Asian cafe and got hired at an upscale Malaysian restaurant. I was on my way to selling out.

In July 2010, I flew to Melbourne and promptly fell in love with it. I spent a night at Syar's place and made butter chicken in her kitchen. Then I spent the rest of the nights in a blurry haze of alcohol and raucousness. I looked up at the city lights and saw the possibilities. I came back to Perth and immediately wanted to fly back. I made friends with good people in Melbourne and none will be forgotten. I slaved over my Winter Unit and came out with an appreciation for comedians. I picked up more shifts at work and made up for all the money I spent in Melbourne.

In August 2010, I found out that I had to take five units if I wanted to graduate by this year. I took a deep breath and enrolled for three heavy units and two light ones; one a first year unit in Photography, the other a course on the transition from the university to the workplace. Everyone whom I told this too asked me how I would manage to sleep at night. I replied, "Soundly." My Italian boss and his wife from Malaysia sold their business to an Australian man. They told him not to change anything. He didn't listen. Two of my flatmates got involved in a car accident. They're better than ever now.

In September 2010, I bought my ticket for the annual Village Ball and blew AUD$200 getting ready for it. I'm not sure if it was worth it, but the jewellery from Diva was pretty. I reasoned that I could use the dress for clubbing. I grew to appreciate photography; urban landscape in particular. I always liked them big buildings. I attended Shashank's graduation and went to eat pork ribs in Tony Roma's after the ceremony. We ended up in an English pub later, one of the last places left in Perth where you could smoke in the alfresco area. They were overruling this a week from that day. My new boss caught on to the fact that I didn't have a Responsible Service for Alcohol certificate (RSA) and told me that I had to get one or I wouldn't get a shift. I paid $90 for a woman to tell me that alcohol in Western Australia needs to be monitored. I read Eat, Pray, Love and enjoyed it.

In October 2010, I attended the Village Ball and couldn't stomach the cheap wine. I came home sober and with my hair undone. I booked my ticket for Malaysia and told my parents I was coming home two days later than the actual date. I interviewed an inspiring man who started up his own copywriting business after he got disillusioned with mainstream media. I started to take a real interest in politics, the environment, the nature of business news and journalism. I watched the Eat, Pray, Love movie and was disappointed. I got lost in McEwan, Lahiri and Kundera. I got disgusted at the world after researching for my politics essay.

In November 2010, I went to hell and came back. I passed up eight assignments in two weeks. I saw the licking flames and roasted in a slow circle. The feeling I got from finishing it all was incredible. I got crazily drunk and said bye to Perth. I didn't know that I wasn't coming back. Dad got diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma seven days after I passed up my last undergraduate assignment. I got called for an interview at Wisma UOA for the position of an 'information analyst'. I didn't take the job.

In December 2010, Vivek and I decided that we couldn't continue our relationship as I would be staying back in KL as opposed to flying back to Perth in January, as originally planned. We broke it off two days before his 23rd birthday. He left for Bali and I stayed over at Payal's house. We played Taboo. I got my results back on the 10th of December - I had graduated. Payal and I went out for drinks the next night and neither of us remembers much. It was a good night. I went for an interview with Smart Investor and met the editor for half an hour at the Aman Suria office. While shopping at Jaya 33, I was reminded of grocery shopping in Perth as a couple. Somewhere around the third week, Mom and the brother fell sick, and I followed suit. I celebrated the New Year's with Payal and Nim. We were rudely shoved and groped in the crowd, but it was a good night.

2010 taught me plenty and showed me how to have a good time. I came to realize that all you really need to survive this thing called Life is yourself and your precious friends. If you stop looking for happiness in people and things, and start making life happen, the happiness will come by itself. It is something that needs to be worked at continuously, much like having a relationship. I advocate having a relationship with yourself and not jumping the gun, like many of us have done in the past. I forgot how nice it is to sit at home all day in pajamas and read my way through a whole book. I forgot how cool it is to see movies back to back (again, in my pajamas). Clean your room weekly and open the windows. Smell the rain and don’t ever think that you are alone.

With pain, comes gain. This I promise you.

Take a Break

2010-05-05T13:09:00.002+08:00

Ok so I lied.

I did end up in the bookstore, and not even a secondhand one (I went to Dymocks!) and, well...bought a book. So what else is new.
In my defense though, I got a book that I thought might not be available any more in KL - We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver. I saw it years ago in MPH but hey maybe they ran out of stock right?
Of course, since the shopping bug has bit me (since January 2010 when I bumped my knee on the ground after toppling out of a roller-coaster in Genting - more on that later, remind me to tell you the story) I couldn't resist going into other stores. No I didn't buy clothes, which is what everyone wants to hear but I did buy a belt once at Harbour Town. It was 4bucks. I bought some pretty stationery! I got a purple to-do list notebook that folds down like a desk calendar. It's awesome. And a black and purple pen. And also some stuff from the Reject Shop - more stationery. I swear I wasn't even planning to go into Dymocks...it just happened!
Anyway, there is just too much to do these days, I feel like my head is going to go kaputs. Doesn't help that I got a Credit for an essay that I was hoping would get a Distinction. Oh well. Just have to work harder. It wasn't my favourite topic (ethical issues...euw) to write an essay on and perhaps I was a little de-motivated. When I love the topic I need to write on, I usually do well. Like when I wrote about Virginia Woolf. It was very exciting. I'm not expecting a Distinction for the second essay I passed up because I don't think I structured it very well but hey, miracles have happened.
I am going to watch Masterchef and eat lunch...then ARRRRRGHHHH...back to work. Damnit.

Two more weeks, chin up!

Smiggles

2010-05-04T10:55:00.002+08:00

So, I finished my essay. And now I don't know what to do with myself. I'm nearly done with my readings for class on Thursday. I'm ahead of schedule. I feel wierd!
Usually I'm busy not doing assignments and feeling immensely guilty while I not do them. Wow I'm suddenly on top of things.
Ok let's not jinx it. I've still got 9 assignments left. And not all of them are as weighty as the essay so I'm just putting things in perspective. I need to memorise lines as well because I'm a showgirl now!
Over the holidays last December I spent the majority of my time reading. It was beautiful really. I didn't on the tv set, I didn't go online, I forgot to shower sometimes. I covered a lot of ground but obviously I went to another book sale and brought back a carton full of books. I need a new bookshelf. Anyone with a spare please be a doll and pass it to me. When my parents came down I actually passed them books I had finished. I know it's shocking that I was able to part with them but I did it! I still have about 30 books with me in Perth though. Don't tell them that. Oh and I bought more. Geez.
Funny thing happened when I moved to Perth. In my first semester, I hated all things Australian just because I was that homesick (and deranged...not much has changed). I even boycotted Australian writers and in my head I made them out to be not worth my time. In one of my classes, I was introduced to Peter Carey and was forced to read one of his short stories. I liked it. But being the stubborn bull that I am, refused to pick up his books still. During my winter break last year, I was browsing the awards list on Wikipedia - I believe it was for the Booker Prize. Peter Carey was on the list for his book Oscar and Lucinda I believe. I checked the library catalogue - they didn't have Oscar and Lucinda, but they had True History of the Kelly Gang. I had heard of Ned Kelly but I was still a bit skeptical when I checked out the book. Nothing in the back cover really spoke to me. But as I struggled through the first few pages (it is written in 'slang' and it is quite difficult to read at first but one gets the hang of it quickly) and managed to pull through, I found that I could not put it down. His language was evocative and poetic, even with their odd slang use of 'chooks' (chickens) and other things. I quickly fell in love with the character of Ned Kelly (I imagined this really buff dude in my head covered with nothing but sheepskin on appropriate parts...oops) and the love story between him and his future wife was really intimate and breathtaking. When I finished it I didn't want it to end which is the feeling I get when I read a really really good book and then I realised I had officially lifte my boycott. But it was totally worth it. Peter Carey is now one of my favourite authors and I recently bought Oscar and Lucinda. Will tell you how it is.
I've also been recommended Tim Winton on several different occasions and I met a lady at my workplace who is friends with Winton (omg, how exciting!!!) and spoke highly of Cloudstreet. In her words, she said it was "the best book she had ever read in her life." I wanted to go out there and then and buy it but then I looked in my wallet. But money issues aside, the book is really hard to find, apparently because it sells out really fast. I shall not give up though, I will have a copy very soon.
Off to go shopping ( I will try and stay away from the bookstore...no promises though).

Say It With Me: Drama Queen!

2010-05-02T23:06:00.002+08:00

Geez, I'm dramatic aren't I?

Didn't realize that until I read my last few posts. Don't even want to read back further than that, I want to cringe a little bit when I think about it.
Why is it so hard to read back on what you write? I'm having that problem as I'm writing for my huge creative writing project due in 3weeks. I have about 1,000 words. I need 4,000 more. And please don't look at me like that I'm taking 4 units this semester. Because I'm an idiot that's why. Oh, and also I'm racing to graduate by this year, I don't care what it takes!
By the way, I'm allowed to be dramatic now because I'm taking a unit called Children's Theatre and I get to play a duck. Yep, I'm not a tree but I'm supposed to be a cute, waddling, yellow, fluffy duck. I don't even know how to wiggle my ass (without some alcohol in my system). I am not going on that stage sober! But uhm, yea it's for children. I can't have tequila on my breath. Oh screw it, they're probably drinking more than I am right now. So, I am a Von Duck Family Singer and I get to sing a song (about ducks naturally, we don't actually have it yet so keep yer' fingers crossed!) and dance around in a showgirl kind of way. Get the feeling that this shouldn't be for kids? Yea. You should see our costumes too. I tried it on and looked like a really naughty french maid. Oh well, don't worry. I'm not going on stage without protection.
Right now I'm finishing an essay that's due tomorrow. I have 800 words left which really doesn't sound that bad. I was tempted to skip work but if you skip work you can't pay rent so that was outta the question. I now have enough for rent plus 10bucks to spend. Three cheers for my bank account! This is what happens when you work in a crappy Asian food cafe place with kiasu bosses who are really nice but are too damn cheap for their own good. I was cutting up onions and threw out a bit that looked dodgy and my lady-boss took it out of the trash and put it back on my chopping board. Lady, buy another bag, it costs like, I don't know, 2dollars? Geez.
What else - I have to workshop a creative writing piece and let my peers give me constructive criticism (rip it to shreds and kill my self-esteem). I have to submit a journal that is supposed to encompass records of my thoughts about 13 weeks of drama class. I've only done 1week. Oh well. I have to workshop a literary journalism piece that I've interviewed so many people for but I haven't found the perfect subject yet. Students can be really boring. I mean honestly. All we do is study, eat, sleep, binge-drink and wake up in the hospital. Where is the excitement?

My parents came to visit two weeks ago. Yea, time flies. It was so cool but I miss them already. I've been here for three years but this friggin homesickness refuses to go away. It's like a disease, I swear. I mean I like Perth as much as the next Asian despite having things thrown at me, but eh. Home is home I say.

I Dream...

Of nostalgia and Enid Blyton,
of mischief and twinkling eyes,
Of water balloons and sleepovers,
of Spice Girls and boy bands.

I'm still that kid and I refuse to grow up. Hope Dad doesn't read this. I'll get a job I swear Pa!

Peace to you and to you and to you. Now go finish your own essay and quit procrastinating. That's my job. Toodles.

One down!

2009-10-06T14:53:00.001+08:00

The summary is done, now one to bigger and better things :)

I am going to eat now, before I do anything else!

Infestigative

2009-10-05T23:16:00.002+08:00

To anybody out there:

Hello to you, yes I'm talking to you. After all, I want to represent you someday. Mwahaha.
Yea so where do I begin as usual? I'm listening to some Bjork and doing an overdue assignment...hmm what else is new? This time though, I swear I have a legitimate reason but due to legal issues, I cannot disclose exactly what I have been up to. Nothing concerning me however, do not fret. I have been pursuing something which will hopefully lead to some change *wiggles eyebrows*. In all seriousness, I hope something good comes out of it, for the good of young, green and broke international students. Sigh, there are too many of us here. I still wonder sometimes how Australia managed to make cash cows out of all of us. Was it just good advertising? Connections? Bribery perhaps? Think about it, while I move on to the next point.

Magazine, as in student publications. You know the kind, I'm sure. Underfunded, underappreciated and reaches a circulation of a possible 3,000 people, most of them the broke students mentioned above. Not to mention runs on voluntary service, as opposed to the paid elite. I ain't complainin' however, it's been good experience being a contributor. Then somebody said..."hey Mil, why don't you apply to be the editor for the Women's Issue?" Of course, that went straight to my head, much like cheap rum. I didn't think I could do it. I knew I was going to be heavily involved but didn't see myself being the wise and sage editor. But I applied, and I got it (not due to my talent unfortunately, but simply because nobody else applied- or I'm assuming that no one else did for this year). Oh well. The editor gets paid. Not to sound heartless or anything but I could use the money. Plus there's the bonus of experience (a crazy rollercoaster one because it's not easy, but hey nothing worth it will ever be easy!).

Enough about that. There's more though and it's got nothing to do with women's issues, do not fret. Then, somebody else said..."Hey Mil, aren't you going to run for anything? Nominations close in three days!" So I decided to run for something. I shall not say anything much until the results are out but is anybody else getting the feeling that it's really easy to get me to do something? Just give me nudge and apparently I run, scrambling for the red button. I guess all it takes is one push. I'd like to think that these people had nothing to do with it, but in hindsight, what they said has everything to do with it. I don't think very highly of my capabilities so if you tell me I can do something and that I can do it well, I will always be surprised. But I don't even think I'm too hard on myself. It's really wierd. I suppose this means that I'm some sort of compliment-hungry person which is not very attractive but who doesn't like a compliment ei?

Annnnnd of course, this sums it all up- why two of my assignments are late. They're not major major ones though, so I'm not feeling too panicky. I'm feeling slightly guilty obviously (perhaps the guilt is some wierd motivation to me...who knows?) because both the lecturers of these units are really awesome and I don't want them to think that I'm insulting their intelligence. I suppose I should direct them to this post, just so they can get the general idea. One of them is a drama lecturer though, so I don't think he cares all that much (no offense meant, it was said in good humour!). Dramatists are dramatists after all. Plus he must be having fun reading over all the interesting and psychotic student plays everyone submitted. I don't want to take that away from him obviously.

So, in one breath, this is what I have to do: Finish that damn synopsis, finish that darn summary of my oral presentation and then focus on layout and images and editing. And writing of course. Something I've completely lost touch with. I was reading some poetry of a good friend of mine and felt that sharp pang you feel when you miss doing something you love. Kind of like the pangs I get when I think of mutton rendang from Sri Melaka back home. The adoration is intense but it's that good I swear.

Oh, and I've got to prepare for two more oral presentations coming up next week plus start research for two essays. And study for a test. And prepare for a 'moved reading'. And the first draft of my play.

Hmm. That cheap vodka doesn't sound so bad now.

No Fear

2009-05-16T17:21:00.000+08:00

The beauty of Sanskrit, of native languages and aboriginality- torn down by the English sacrilege. They built it up to perfection and you scrapped it off with one single manouvre. But you know what? You can tick tock and Hobson-Jobson all you want-our language remains ours.

We may not understand privacy, or comprehend you when you say things like 'breach of privacy' and 'disrespect for grief' but at least we are not afraid of butting in and running interference. Sometimes that can save a life.

At least we are not nations of binge-drinking, which is not something that alot of Western countries can say. We have our problems, but they're mostly not as sad as consuming too many drinks at the age of 12.

At least we don't stand four feet away from each other when standing in a queue. Sure there's the BO problem but I'd rather feel humane then feel like a leper in a public space.

At least we are not afraid. Because you know what? You, as rich and as clean and as powerful as you are, you live in a nation of constant fear.

And I'd rather be poor, dirty and powerless instead of afraid.

Sulk

2008-09-15T15:45:00.002+08:00

Anger is a funny word. It is no longer scary to me.

I finished the damn news story and now I have an oral presentation to do that is based on my first creative writing assignment. Then there's the Drama essay and the second creative writing assignment, following that would be the second news story and let's not forget the monologue that I have to prepare for Drama class where i'll have to go solo and lose feeling in all my fingers and toes. Oh yes, then the feature writing for Journalism and last but not least, a lovely script for Screen and Sound plus the biggest assignment for Creative Writing. Did I say all that in one breathe.

I just sound so bitter these days, I'm like a crinkled and withered prune, faded and jaded by age and experience. I need to go somewhere far away to feel a 100 years younger and better. The other day in Journalism class we had to write a very short piece about the few hours we experienced on Friday morning getting ready for the class. When I read mine out for the tutor she complimented me and said "that's very good I get a sense of stress in yours."
I didn't even mean to make my character sound stressed so I'm naturally just freaking out. What a bummer, ei?

When I think about those long summer holidays spent back home, I am envious of that carefree and lazy routine I had. Of the person that I was. I just feel different. I know I sound different. I know I am different.

Let me tell you that this sucks.

Anything Goes

2008-09-11T20:27:00.002+08:00

I'm sitting in my room, a room I share with another girl (yes I have to share my privacy too, alert the media will ya?). I'm eating leftover mihun from lunch today. I'm still hungry. And I have to write my first ever news story which I want so badly to turn out nicely.

Today was stupid and there is no better word for it. Pointlessly and uselessly stupid. I have literally done nothing and for the first time it is not actually my fault. Ok I mean yes of course it is, but I didn't literally sit down and do nothing. If that was the case I would be feeling stupider and crappier. I was doing alot of things, but none of them proved to be actually fruitful.

Morning, 830am: I got up and woke Vivek for class. Went back to sleep and dreamt that I had already gone to the damn police station for an interview for the news story which is what I should have been doing instead of sleeping.
10.30am: Woke up again, rolled over and swore colourfully at my blanket. But no problem right, I still had time because class was only at 1.30pm.
11.30am: I am showered, changed and shot up with coffee, all ready for anything to come my way. Except for this: While packing my bag, I realize that my notebook is missing. My extremely-important, black and shiny notebook with all my class notes, research and story ideas is gone. I look everywhere in my flat and decide that if it's not here it has to be in Vivek's flat because I'm usually there half the time. It's already getting late and I still have to cook lunch so I have to go to his flat anyway, which is where all the groceries are. I do a quick search in his room, half-expecting to find it obviously, because where else would it be? It is not there. In near tears, I chop vegetables and fry some prawns and eggs. Vivek comes out and sees me distressfully making mihun. I tell him everything and he searches his room immediately but comes up with nothing. I tell him that it may be in the library when we went there on Monday late at night. He tells me that there are two of our friends already at the library so we call them and ask them to check Lost and Found. While waiting for their call, I make another call to another friend, hoping I just left it in his flat because I had been there on Monday as well. Nothing so far, and negative from the library. We eat quickly and I tell Vivek that I may have left it in my media class even though I don't remember taking any notes. We check the rooms in the building and also the Lost and Found there. I am furious with myself at this point and I tell Vivek that I have to check the library for myself. Before we get to the library I remember that I had entered the computer labs right next to the library yesterday, before Drama class. I run in there and lo and behold; my precious notebook is sitting there, in all its pink Post-Its glory and smirking at me. What a broomstick.
Afternoon,1.45pm: Search of the Big Black Notebook is over but I miss my Creative Writing workshop in all that frenzy. I console myself with the fact that I'm not missing much and this is the first tutorial that I've missed in 6weeks of university. Woo-hoo. Vivek and I return to the flat to finish our meals and I plan my next few hours; some bank work for tomorrow's rent and the visit to the police station. When I get to the Murdoch train station I find out that there's actually a bus that passes the Police Station and I am overjoyed as my original plan was to walk. The feeling doesn't last because when I get there, the station is closed. Spying a number for general inquiries, I put in a quick call to them and they tell me well, yea the office is closed and no, I can't exactly barge in and demand some time for a short interview. The lady on the line is pleasant and gives me a number for the Youth Action Team (as my story involves young offenders, or juveniles if you like). I call the YAT and they tell me that I have to put my request in writing. Well, the story's due tomorrow and no, I'm not doing last-minute work, I only had this idea to interview the police yesterday so I thought I'd give it a shot.
Evening,5.30pm: I am back in Vivek's flat and I've researched for 24-hour police stations. The one the lady recommended to me is an hour away from here by bus. I found another one though, that wasn't too far away and was on the way to Vivek's work (also, it is where the infamous secondhand bookshop is).
6.10pm: I have reached the city of Fremantle and I go on a wild search to find the police station. I pass a town hall which has a library as well and I get distracted but do an about-face and keep looking. I find the police station after awhile and again, have feelings of happiness which again don't last very long either because the lady who greets me at the counter doesn't look too certain that she can help me (let alone be allowed to even talk to me). I wait there for nearly 10minutes until she comes out with a piece of paper bearing an e-mail address to forward my queries to. I am right, she is not really supposed to talk to "the public" which is why she can't even sit down and talk to me casually about young offenders that are terrorizing the neighbourhood and getting away with it because the laws in Western Australia protect them from incarceration and a criminal record.
6.40pm: The wind blows my only cap away and the bus comes at the same time so I can't run in the streets and scream about my cap like the madperson I want to be.

As you can see, it has been a very productive day. Let me excuse myself so I can go scoop some water up with a fork. Good night ladies and gentlemen, pray that I can make myself proud in the next few hours.

Virago

2008-08-20T12:27:00.002+08:00

I am reading something special for Drama class. A greek tragedy that's part of a trilogy based in Thebes, written by Sophocles. It's pretty feisty and feminist for a play written a long time ago.
Also, I got back the assignment on Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing and I finally understand what my tutor was trying to say (and I actually got it back about three months ago, so you can see I'm a little slow). He said that there was too much of speculating in my essay. I couldn't comprehend what he meant but basically he was trying to tell me that my denial and confusion about Shakespeare being a chauvinist was clearly evident in my paper. I kept on using words like 'maybe' and 'perhaps' because I didn't want to say it outright that he was, indeed a pig. So, next time I suppose I have to either stay on the damn fence or be convincing when I pick a side.

Screw Shakespeare for now, I'll see him again this semester when I read Othello. Can't wait, I tell ya.

Also, I'm taking Creative Writing. I've been absent from here because I'm too damn busy writing in my notebook everyday. It's pretty addictive but I'm glad that writing has become a daily habit now. When I'm ready, I'll post a few things from my notebook here but only when I'm ready and you can bet your ass that I'm going to edit it furiously. A few times.

Another class that I'm taking is Screen and Sound. I got to play director yesterday and it was pretty wonderful. I totally can't take centrestage on screen. No friggin' way. I'd be so unconvincing as a character, no matter which part I play. Even if it's like a tree in the middle of a courtyard. I'd probably start giggling nervously. I mean, who would hire a giggling tree? Seriously?

And the last one is Introduction to Journalism which is very exciting but daunting too. I've got a superb idea about my first news story but I've gotten overzealous and thought about too many angles. Which is a problem because I have to fit everything into a package of 300 words. And be concise and articulate, neither traits that I possess. My drama tutor caught me in the headlights last week and asked for my name when I was standing in the middle of the room and I stumbled about four times before I could get it out- "Mmm..mmm..mi..mi..milan." It was pretty hilarious. You had to be there. Extremely articulate indeed. Me taking a drama class, that's another good one. If I wasn't in the Murdoch Computer Lab I'd be rolling on the floor by now. Yea, heeeelarious.

That about covers my units this semester. And my life, pretty much.

Monologue

2008-07-18T00:03:00.002+08:00

Would you look at that?

Last post published on the 7th of July, 20008. *clicks tongue* Shame on you, Mil. There goes the pipe dream of writing everyday.
So, alot of things happening here in the land of KL. Anwar got arrested, roads got blocked, people get riled up and other people don't give two spits. I'm not sure which category I belong to, all I know is that who are we to judge this poor guy who is under extremely public scrutiny. Boy would I get plastic surgery if I were you, Mr. Ibrahim!

And of course, alot of things happening in the Sadhwani household, nothing new, nothing new. I feel underappreciated, trodden on, happy and frustrated all at the same time but eh, life goes on.
So, ahm. I have no privacy left. Yep, people come in and out of my room daily, to take showers, to play computer games and once in awhile poke and prod through my stuff as if they own everything but surprisingly I'm taking it in calmly.
It was only today as I sat down in my room and looked around that I realized that it bugged me to hell and back. Eh, I can't call anything my own anymore, I thought to myself.
My drawers have been open, my table has been touched, my shower has been used but worse...my bookshelf has been tainted. Yes folks, my bookshelf was opened and closed while I was gone and I could tell the moment I walked through my damn door. Oh, so much drama, Mil!
Despondent, I looked around my room once again and felt incomplete. Nothing was mine yet everything was 'mine'. What do I have left. I guess all that's left, I realized, is what is inside me and around me. Not the material things, not the phsyical things. It feels *WARNING- major drama alert* like everything's been taken from me. But no matter how hard you or anyone else tries, you can't take the things that truly matter from me. You can't take myself away- my tears, my laughter, my sorrows, my joy, my pride, my sense of self, my essence. I have been left cold without everything but the knowledge that I have friends who care, everywhere I bother to look, their smiles, their stupid jokes, their comforting words, their little quirks- this warmth is what takes me through the day and the night.
No matter how hard you try, you can't take all this away, can you?

And that's what it's all about.

I Thinked

2008-07-07T02:21:00.002+08:00

I thought...

- that I would have all the time in the world to update this site, not only to keep my scarce but precious readers happy but to indulge myself in free-thinking and writing for pleasure

- that I could spend hours reading new books and writing here at least four to five times a week

- that I would certainly have some amount of time to myself, because this is so crucial to my well-being; i love people but I need at least an hour or two to be with just me.

- that I would have a lovely holiday

but ah,I thought wrong.

Gee, why so negative Mil, that ain't like you. True, this isn't like me at all, but this is the way I've been feeling for quite awhile now, and this is my first chance to come here and talk about it. However I can't bring myself to start complaining when I know that generally I'm a pretty damn lucky lady.

Basically, what is the point of could have, should have and would have if it's already past. I suppose I have to make do with what I have, which isn't much given the current situation, but it's something. What am I babbling about?
The reason(s) I haven't been supremely satisfied are, well, the flies. From the moment I open my room door after a nice shower until the moment I close my room door to request, no, demand some privacy to talk to Babes (because, really, I don't know what I would do without him and his patient ears) I am bombarded from every possible angle. Oh, the fly. If I didn't have that small, barely-there conscience in me, I would have squashed it by now. Oh yes.

I don't want to say anymore because like I said, I am a lucky person, people have got it much worse, I'm sure. But what really kills me about all this is that I don't have my parents and my brother all to myself like I usually would have without the flies around.

I steal precious moments alone with mom and dad because it is such a pleasure when we are able to talk freely without the conniving and prying ears of the fly. I sit with my brother when he studies because otherwise it is always there, ready to jump in with an unnecessary question or comment. It makes me want to cry when I think about it properly. I don't care for the most part that I have to do an endless amount of things for these flies, I'm glad to in some way because then they leave mom alone for awhile. I don't give a damn that the fly comes into my room and touches my things when I'm not around. I couldn't care less that they use my car when I'm knocked out in the mornings. After thinking about it further, I would even go as far as to say that I don't mind not having time to read or update this site as often as I want to, or sit in my room with music in my ears to block out the chaos that takes place in my house.

I just want my family.

Touch Down

2008-06-23T23:39:00.002+08:00

This is my first post since I've arrived in good ol' KL. By the way, it is still great despite the ridiculous price of petrol now (which is only good because there are less cars on the road. wheeeee highway!!! I ain't speeding, don't give me that glare Darling!).

I arrived on Saturday, 21st June at approximately 10.10pm. The flight was stupid and my only savior was a book I bought just the day before leaving (well, of course what else would your savior be). I was upset too because I had to say goodbye (god Mil you're dramatic) to my darling. This stupid Australian girl was staring at me as I sniffled into my tissue like she'd never seen a person cry before. I mean, geez, what do I look like to you, a soap opera?? (Hmm, maybe so, considering the drama that happens around me.)

I was so nervous to see Mom and Dad, I mean in a good way, I didn't know what I would say and what I would do when I saw them, especially Mom (fully knowing she would burst into tears the moment she saw me, which she did by the way). I was too happy to cry but I already did my part on the plane anyway (as always, WHY do i choose the damn airplane to do this, WHY). But all in all, it was so wonderful to see everyone again and you know this beats Skype any old day (Skype can kiss my bum by the way, their call quality sucks big time but I still need it to communicate with my other half so Skype if you're reading this, I do love you :D).

Sunday was great- I managed to get up in time for coffee AND the ashram, both equally superb. I don't like being fussed over but it was really touching how so many people inquired about me through mom and dad. It's always nice to know that people care about you, even if you aren't aware of it. Don't underestimate those around you is all I can say after this.

All in all, it's been really great but there are just two teeny tiny flies in my ointment, and they both have names that I shall not mention here (*coughdevilscough*). I pause now as I debate within myself about what to say and what not to say here but the bottom line is that I easily lose my temper with one of the flies in particular. She, I mean It, just rubs me the wrong way I suppose.

Let me start over. These flies that I talk about are actually people I'm related to. They don't come often, which I thank the Lord for but when they do, our lives are literally turned upside down. When I was a teenager, my rage was worse, my temper utterly horrible and out of control when they made their visits. I made my feelings nearly transparent and I'm sure I hurt the people I love with my actions and words. However, the most important thing that I didn't do was question these outbursts that happened frequently. Now that I'm older, I feel (although my feelings could be wrong obviously) that I have better control over my temper and that even though I get angry almost every time It opens Its mouth, I attempt to reply It in a calm manner. But like I said, I could be wrong. Also, as I grew older, I started thinking about the cause of my almost irrational anger towards It. I say it is almost irrational because it isn't only me who becomes impatient towards Its' constant stream of chatter, commands, requests and comments. This only makes me feel slightly better though, because I wanted to understand why exactly it was me who kept on getting angry at It (by the way, am I completely evil to name her It but even if I am, never mind, allow me to continue; perhaps it gives me a sort of aesthetic distance for now to write without getting angry all over again).

Therefore, while all this questioning was going on, before I arrived home, I told myself to try and not lose my temper and to really try this time. It was then that I realized that I tell myself the exact same thing almost every time I know that I'm about to face this particular situation, only to disregard this sensible advice even after just a few days spent with It.
However, it was only today that a sudden realization came to me (and as it always happens, it hits you when you're not thinking about it, and it hits you years later even though it's been staring at you in the face for all those years). Maybe, I'm slightly jealous of all the privileges that this fly receives. Think about it. This is a relatively young fly; eleven this year to be exact. Yet she has an iPod, something me, a twenty-one year old doesn't even dream of possessing. If you know me well enough, the way most of you do, you would know that having an iPod is an extremely unimportant thing to me. However, I use this example to show you the stark contrast between us. When I was eleven, I used an old walkman to play my music (and loved it to death, might I add). But then, thinking about it again, times have changed, so this isn't a very good example. Kids these days own a handphone by the time their eight years old, some even younger. So then, what is it, you may ask.

I think the thing that bites me the most is how she is allowed to speak her mind so freely and get away with it so damn easily.

Even though she gets admonished every now and then, it is only those few times. If we (I refer to other people in my family), at the age of eleven had decided to speak our minds (and I'm sure I did, knowing me and my brazen ways) we would have been smacked silly (which was certainly what happened with me, boy did I get smacked silly when I was younger). I am jealous that nobody disregards her opinions and tells her to shut the hell up. Perhaps this is because she is the youngest in our whole family,so they listen to her intently, even when they don't want to or don't have to. She butts in where she is not needed almost anywhere and everywhere and nobody tells her to mind her own business (it does happen like I mentioned but not always which is enough to hit on my nerves), she interrupts adults while they're having a private conversation and nobody stares at her like she's grown three horns on her head (I used to get that feeling plenty of times- people staring at me as if I had grown sharp extensions atop my skull).

I'm jealous that at this age, adults treat her almost like an adult while I at that age was still considered just a child (better to be seen than heard, was that the old adage?). I used to seeth with rage, wishing to grow older faster, so that people would take me seriously. At times, I still feel that way, perhaps because of the way I look (assuming all my readers have met me in person, I'm extremely short and I'm not exaggerating). As a kid, I knew I had great ideas but nobody wanted to listen to them and I was angry. Enter the fly who spouts frivolous things most of the time and everyone listens to her. This is what has been bugging me and I still cannot accept it. But what could I do? When I feel frustrated I go to Mom and she listens with a sympathetic ear but ends with the advice, "Be patient." While this isn't bad advice, it's not something that helps me very much. But what can she do either? Also, obviously Mom has so much more to deal with so complaints are the last thing she needs to hear at this point of time. I bitch to the right hand alot and she certainly makes me feel better when I'm done but what can she do too?

Bottom line is, there is nothing to do but to accept it and accept it fast before I go insane trying to change things I can't change. Today I spoke to Babes and used the word Karma. Right after I said that, I knew it was the perfect thing to say. Karma will be a better teacher, whoever She comes to. So there you go. I'll let it go now.

Ok, I admit it's rather fun bitching about it, but it is not fun having to deal with it, so perhaps by writing this, I develop a certain kind of understanding of this situation. Because in reality, it is not all her fault. It is the authorities that raise her. If there is little or no admonition, how would she know when to speak her mind and when not to? I only channel my anger towards her because it is her doing the talking (and also her accent grates my ears like a piece of chalk screeching against the surface of a blackboard).

This has been a long and boring post, so I'll be back with nicer things I hope. Loves to all and extra love to my Dear. It is super wierd without you around.

Nervous Laughter

2008-06-12T14:36:00.002+08:00

I seriously forgot what it's like to write out my thoughts everyday- it's pretty liberating even though I sometimes have to censor myself from well, myself.

Howdy everybody, no cleaning has been done so far, except for slight changes in the bedroom, but nothing major. Tomorrow in all probability, we are going to have a little get-together in our filthy house (we have to be brutally honest, don't we)so I think some cleaning has to take place today.

It's amazing, how I've never told you about what my house is like. I haven't told you alotta things, have I? So, there are seven rooms in my house, two of them occupied by people I already knew and the other three taken by two indian boys and a chinese couple. I've not had any major problems with this living arrangement, except for one tiny thing. You know how I like my kitchen clean, and it usually is, after I clean it, but only remains so for a few hours 'til the next morning. Now, I usually have the patience to endure this small and tiny frustration but when I've scrubbed and wiped every surface, it IS pretty sad that it doesn't retain it's sparkle for at least a few days. I love the sparkles! Why can't we have it sparkling??

Anyway, small thing, no worries. Some day I'm sure they will realize that sparkling is good for all wo/mankind. Because I will drill it into their heads. Ahem, I could try out for the military, ei?

I'm counting the days to reach back home but I'm also dreading it because Babes is going to be left in stupid Perth. Stupid, it is STUPID. You know I have yet to discuss future plans with dad and mom but I'm sure it will come up during this trip (especially with mom counting the years 'til I tie the knot, I kid you not, hey that rhymes!)and I'm actually not dreading it, because I think I should have a vague idea by now about what I want to do. Not just with my career but I suppose life in general.

Obviously, Babes plays a big role in this, bigger than he realizes and perhaps even more than I realize myself. Let's be straight, the long distance was absolute rubbish but of course, you're worth everything my dear. Sometimes I wish we could say to one another, let's just see where life takes us and let's simply float merrily along it's currents but that would have been me about three years ago. Now, hopefully older and wiser, I know that's pretty idealistic. Yes we can float to a certain extent, I'm certainly not planning to organize every tiny detail of the future because we all know life doesn't work that way. But we do have to have some ideas, no? I'm aware though, that whenever Babes asks me, I get nervous and start laughing in my agitated manner (sounding deceptively like a donkey, I swear) and I tell him "Let's not talk about it now, sweetheart." Because I'm pretty good at denial I suppose. But we will have to have a serious discussion someday (sooner than later would be better), sit down at a table, maybe get out pen and paper and map out two courses that hopefully run together for a very long time. Aww, ain't I so cheesy?

I love you Babes, as you always tell me, I'd do anything for you too. Even the dreaded D (that's Distance for the rest of you, and mind you it sucks,SUCKS I tell ya!). Yea, but as I was saying, anything for you. *cue nervous laughter*

Self.Conscious.

2008-06-11T16:37:00.002+08:00

Um, hi.

So, exams are over and in some crazy way, I miss having things to do. I woke up at 2.30pm today thinking about what time I should start studying when I realized that there was nothing left to study for, until August that is.
But fret not, there are still a million things left to do, like clean my room, the kitchen, the whole house, outside the house, around the house and maybe if I'm still feeling energetic, other people's houses. Yea ok, I'm not that insane just yet, let's see what happens in a few days.

Thanks to Mr. Klumsy (an affectionate but appropriate name for one of my housemates in Perth), I might start having more visitors here because he discovered my blog. This makes me shy and proud all at the same time and I realized yesterday just how uncomfortable I am with people even talking about my blog. Goddamn, how will I write a book like this?

I must go prepare lunch so it's see you later for now. I'll be back later. With more stories, promise.

Awful Slang

2008-06-08T22:43:00.005+08:00

Yes, I am in the midst of studying for my exams, but I had a sort of argument with my two housemates about my feelings on the word 'chick'. If you know me well, then you know I get quite offended if somebody uses this word, especially if it's a girl. The argument escalated and sort of hung on the fact that no one knew where the word originated from. I don't think I'd be able to rest without doing some quick research, so here it is. Mind you, it is from Wikipedia, a source I barely trust, but then again, who and what can you trust these days; especially on the Internet. After the exams, I plan to do in-depth research on this matter and if Wikipedia is right, the slang DID originate from a man and it was used in an extremely degrading manner. Here it is, prepare to get appalled and please remember this the next time you open your mouth to say the word 'chick'.

From where did the slang use of the word chick originate?
In: Word and Phrase Origins

Answer
The word chick is a short form for chicken and it's use in American slang to refer to a young woman is attributed to Sinclair Lewis' book Elmer Gantry (1927).

"He had determined that marriage now would cramp his advancement in the church and that, anyway, he didn't want to marry this brainless little fluffy chick, who would be of no help in impressing rich parishioners. But that caution he had utterly forgotten in emotion, and her question was authentically a surprise, abominably a shock."

Taken from:
Wiki Answers (Answers Corporation).2008. http://wiki.answers.com/Q/From_where_did_the_slang_use_of_the_word_chick_originate
(accessed June 08, 2008).

Just A Little Whee Whee

2008-06-07T00:49:00.002+08:00

Hello. So I got up at 6am today. Yes yes, I know, shocking. I mean, I don't think I've done that since high school, not even then maybe cos' everybody knew I had to make a late entrance to maintain my rep as a badass. Haha, that's funny. Badass. Ahem, anyway, I got some sleep in the afternoon so it shouldn't be a problem falling asleep, I mean, studying in the library, which is where I am now, yet again.

Why is it that we only get sleepy when we think of studying? It's a universal thing, I'll bet. I can see everyone nodding again. That's nice, we've come to an agreement.

So, in exactly two weeks from now, I'll be flying back home. I can't believe how time just managed to sneak by us and whoosh by. I can remember, with extreme clarity, my first day here in Perth, Western Australia. I realize now that I never exactly told you how that went, I did actually but quite briefly, mostly because it wasn't the best of days- the only good part was that I was able to find comfort in the arms of my dear. Well, how did it go, you ask now? I felt slightly like a lost puppy, to be honest and I had just spent (as I mentioned in a much earlier post) the entire flight bawling my eyes out (how I cursed the fact that I didn't have tissue!)so I wasn't in the mood to get excited just yet about being in a new country. And like I had said about the curfew issue, it didn't feel liberating in any way to be 100 zillion miles away from the parents. I missed Mom as soon as I stepped onto the escalator that carried me to the immigrations. I missed dad when I passed (and err, went in) the tobacco shop. I missed Luvesh when I was on the plane and watching Beauty and the Beast. I missed grandma when I first tried cooking butter chicken in Babe's kitchen while he was at work. And I missed my friends when I saw so many other young people mingling in the courtyard of my university (and I of course, was the little lost duckling amongst the big and graceful swans). Yea, but wasn't I supposed to tell you how the first day went?

So, I got picked up by Babe's friend, W, and slid into the backseat, exhausted from all the waterworks I managed to spout on the flight. I just wanted to sleep, really and there wasn't much view from where I was sitting. It was all green and er, uninteresting *gee, Mil what a flowery description, no wonder you're doing English!*
We got home and I pretty much fell asleep after a hot shower. I woke up ravenous and really ready to eat. The nap did wonders, I was far less cranky and grumpy than when I first got into the car. But that's when homesickness hit, and boy it hit hard. Once again, I was really lucky (as I always say) compared to many of the people that I know, including Babes himself to have him with me during those times. When I heard Mom's voice on the phone, all I wanted to do was run back to KL but I would be tired like, 15minutes after a bold attempt to do so. Plus I was hungry and Babes was making this incredible-smelling butter chicken from a jar so I had to eat. At least, before attempting a marathon. Felt much better again after the food but I also became pretty sleepy, because let's face it, Indian food makes you long for a pillow and a blanket.

This memory is the most vivid one- after dinner, me and Babes stepped out into the night air to get some *cough* fresh air (hahahahaha). I glanced up and forgot everything- for the sky was dotted beautifully with winking stars. I felt, crazily enough, like they were trying to tell me something. Maybe they were, haven't you ever heard of talking stars? Yea well, I have okay! Well anyway, I guess if they were trying to tell me something, it would have been something comforting and reassuring- something to remind me that we were going to be okay, as long as we had each other and to also remind me that no,I wasn't dreaming any longer! (These days, me and Babes like to tease each other by asking, "So are you still dreaming?" and usually the person being asks smiles and says "Yep, for sure." Heh, how cute is that ei?)

Needless to say I slept very well and woke up bright and early the next day, ready for Murdoch University, Perth, Western Australia and the rest of the world.

Coming up, my thoughts on something that I was reading about today. (Remind me, please?) For now, it's back to the L-I-T in the LI-BRA-REE!

I am so lame.

Big Girls Don't Cry

2008-06-04T02:40:00.002+08:00

Ahm, cliche perhaps?

So here I am at the GCL of Murdoch University which is a computer lab situated next to the Murdoch library. Thus I am here prepared to study for my exam that is on Thursday, 5th June 2008 which is technically, tomorrow. My first paper is the foundation unit that all first-year students have to take (it is mandatory rather than "strongly recommended"). In retrospect, it wasn't too bad as I was told it would be; mostly deals with philosophy and psychology- two things I am pretty familiar with. Philosophy both fascinates and depresses me. I have come to see Nietzsche in a more positive light than before; after reading his theories on the will to power but I can't shake the feeling that philosophy was made for people and by people who were on the verge of killing themselves or teetering on the brink of insanity. By the way, Nietzsche did go mental on everybody- a story that unfortunately fascinates me more than his theories.

Ahem, why on earth am I talking about Nietzsche when he's not even coming out in the exam. Probably just a meager distraction from my wandering mind. Oh, how thee wanders! You know what, I have to vent about my feelings on Shakespeare. Ever since I first read him (this was way back in form 1 when I was naive and just thirteen years old) in my high school class, I adored him. We read the famous scene in Macbeth where he says that all of us are mere actors on stage, playing roles in the performance called life. I will never forget the first line:

"Tomorrow, tomorrow and tomorrow,"

It was magical, it gave me goosebumps, it made me want to cry and laugh at the same time and I longed to read more of his works. Now, eight years later, I had to do a paper on his play (Much Ado About Nothing- which is fantastic despite what I'm about to say) and I had to decide if he challenged or perpetuated gender stereotypes in this particular play. Because I am a feminist, but one who is a Shakespeare fan, I instantly dispelled the notion of him perpetuating gender stereotypes. I thought, no way! I shall remain indignant! He can't be like that! He can't be a chauvinist pig!! I refuse to see it!!

Err, yes so you see the extent of my denial. Alas, I finally had to see the light. After reading many (and I stress on the word 'many' as I foraged high and low to find something that would reassure my fears) critics on his work, both men and women, I was forced to see him in a different light. Needless to say, I was crushed, sucker-punched, sad, devastated, disgusted and angry! Once again, you get the sense of my dramatic reaction to this. He was indeed, quite a pig. He tried, I believe (because we always have that last, tiny vestige of hope inside us) to create a character that was a feminist in every sense of the word in the 16th century "man's world" but in the end, he married her off. Oh yes, that was the blow. I'm not saying that I'm against marriage or that feminists should be against marriage. I say this in that tone of voice because this particular character was fiercely against marriage and spoke out against all the butting males in her life. Oh, it was wonderful. In my bookshelf blog, I shall quote a few things from Much Ado Abour Nothing and you will see what I'm talking about.

Oh well, not to worry, I'll get over myself. Sniffle. Also, that was good practice for my literature exam on Monday which I'm really enjoying studying for!

Hee. Loves to all. Aww, thanks for coming here. :D

It's Hard To Say

2008-06-01T00:43:00.002+08:00

When you're eyes burn because you haven't slept, it's hard to say.
When you know they're red without looking in the mirror, it's hard to say.
When you crave for a bed but all you have is a chair, it's hard to say.
When you think you can't hold on much longer, it's hard to say.

It's hard to say when something snaps inside.
It's hard to say how much you want to hide.
It's hard to say what you're looking at.
It's hard to say that you won't put up a fight.

When you have nowhere to go because there's no privacy, it's hard to say.
When you long for a corner but all you have is open space, it's hard to say.
When you start to hallucinate and feel a twitch of paranoia, it's hard to say.
When you see things that were never there, it's hard to say.

It's hard to say when something wilts away.
It's hard to say how much I want to say.
It's hard to say what I am put here for.
It's hard to say that I never knew before.

Defy

2008-05-23T01:19:00.002+08:00

After not writing for so long, coming here is wierd. But nobody's calling me sane. I have two assignments due tomorrow, one I'm really excited about (literature) and the other not so much (creative arts). Time and time again, I question myself; if my interests clearly stood out (even now, it's right here under my nose) why on earth did I bother with psychology? I almost hate looking back, but these thoughts tend to come to you. Nevermind that, it's all water under the bridge now. I may or may not decide to finish the psych degree, but all I know is that I can't see myself as any kind of counsellor. Maybe I could a few years ago, and maybe I did. But not anymore.

Why am I here when I have two assignments due tomorrow? Just takin' a little break is all. Today's been a wierd day. I've been in a sort of limbo-like daze. I attributed it to lack of sleep and perhaps that explains why I'm even more paranoid than usual but ack, I want the weekend to arrive. I shall do my best with these asses and get sleep. SLEEP. How thee tempts me so.

Today was my last tutorial for two classes, one I couldn't get up for and the other was close-to-unbearable. I suppose I'm still shy, especially around girls and I don't know what to say to them. Plus most of them look at me in an odd way, which has been happening to me since kindergarten. Hey I smile at you, you can smile back y'know? It's so strange how girls can be so ungracious to other girls. Aren't we suppose to be on the same team?

I was just telling Babes a few weeks ago that back when I didn't have a car and had to travel by LRT, I had decided to carry out a simple social experiment. I decided that I would smile at everyone who caught my eye. It was more fun than I thought it would be, because most people smiled back. I concluded from this experiment that the people who smile back the most are elderly people (and it was really heartwarming too...awwww). Sadly, the people who smiled back the least were girls who were around my age. They just refused to smile back. Some would stare back blankly, some glared and some just looked away. It was really interesting to me but also pretty disappointing. Why wouldn't they smile back? What is this catty competition that goes on between people of the same sex (in fact, if I had to say, I don't think this happens more frequently with boys, I think it's more applicable for girls). However, I don't have any solid facts to back that up, it is just anecdotal experience.

Oh well, look how the brain goes into overdrive. I need to stop thinking and start writing. Goodnight folks, more to come.

p/s- I had a wonderful, awesome, thrilling experience last night watching football with some of my friends here and my Dear. I somehow will never forget this experience and I'll decide if I want to talk about it or not. It is sacred to me in a way. I may not be completely in love with football (yet) but I fell in love all over again with the person I spend all my days with. I can't explain it in a coherent manner but something about last night was simply magical to me.

Ok, off I go I DO need sleep.

Fragmented thoughts: Part Two

2008-05-21T10:27:00.002+08:00

I had planned to give you a detailed analysis about the book I mentioned in the previous post but maybe a preview would be good, just so you can decide if you want to read it.

In the quiet of the twilight, disturbing thoughts come to me. I participated in a discussion about catcalling and found out that some women take these things as a compliment. How, may I ask, is that possible? Are we so insecure and worried about our looks that a random stranger who whistles/calls out something lewd at us can make us feel good about ourselves? What is happening here?

Society makes a big deal out of appearances, especially for young women. Apparently, to lead a full and satisfying life, you have to look good, all the time. If you want people to like you, you have to look good. If you want a great job, you have to look good. Hell,if you're a girl and if you want people to look at your Facebook profile and pictures, you have to look good. Mind you, I didn't explain what 'looking good' is. Looking good, in this day and age means wearing "something" (but it doesn't have to cover much of your body, take note)- usually comprising of material with strings everywhere, and just a belt for your bottom half ('belt' refers to the things that pass for skirts these days, I quote Levy, 2005). To add appeal to your pictures, you usually have to wear an indecent amount of make up on your face (this is usually best accomplished if you own a black pencil eyeliner and proceed to smear it all around your eyes). For the finale, and for people to gawk openly at you; you have to attempt to give a seductive smile or pose in the pictures that you upload; in fact, it's a plus if you're slightly inebriated with alcohol or any other form of drug(s) and/or making a pass at your girlfriend(s). Hey, the real winners are the ones who take off their tops or have their limbs attached to another girl. That's to whom the awards go to, by the way, in case you're interested. If you manage to have some sort of physical contact other than touching (i.e. kissing, groping etc) with another girl, then (*drum roll please) you manage to get into the Hall of Shame. Excuse me, I meant Hall of Fame. For there is no such thing as shame anymore.

What I want to know is- who told us that this is acceptable? The television, the media? Cosmo? If so, I want to say that they're all wrong. Yet, how can I say that when anyone can see that the majority of young women these days are buying into this ideology? Day by day, I feel that any progress made by the fiery feminists of the 1960's slowly fade away. Some girls think they're overcoming the patriarchy by doing it this way. In reality, it's far from that. Apparently, it's liberating to dress and act this way. I need somebody to enlighten me, because wearing that much of make up, as far as I know, is uncomfortable, wearing close-to-nothing can be insane around here because of the weather and the high heels don't help either.

I don't look good all the time, I'll tell you that. But I'm having a fantastic life. But when I see what I'm forced to see everyday, around me- in university, on the streets, on the television and on the Internet, I am saddened. I was reading a blog yesterday and the girl wrote: feminists are so caught up with the minor issues (she was referring to a comment made by a feminist about a television show called the Tudors, if I'm not mistaken) and they fail to see the bigger picture. I heartily disagree. This is no minor issue. It's happening everywhere, whether you believe it or not. If we let it, this will become the only picture. But, day by day, I get a sour taste in my mouth and wish to close my eyes to reality.

Day by day, it gets worse.

p/s- did you know that the Indian Cricket teams playing for the IPL (Indian Premier League) hired cheerleaders from America to cheer for their games? Guess what they wear? Yep, you got it right. (IMO, they're skirts get shorter and shorter everyday and I thought I was just being paranoid but when I looked closely one day, the skirts disappeared only to be replaced by boy-shorts. I don't know which one's worse).

Fragmented thoughts

2008-05-21T00:35:00.003+08:00

I've recently managed to pass up three challenging assignments and have four more to finish. I'm enjoying the creative process immensely but at the same time I am craving a break. It's a wierd combination.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but I read this book last year, around September or October and it blew my mind. I recently re-read it and I think it's worth mentioning here: Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture by Ariel Levy (2005). Published by Pocket Books in London. Ahm, I suddenly adore referencing because I've been doing loads of that recently. Teehee. I shall discuss this book further when I'm finished with everything.

Time is fleeting and so brief. Somehow, it'll be 11pm before I know it and I'll be looking forward to drinking coffee on my front step in the morning with Babes before class. Sometimes I think that's my favourite time of the day, before everything begins and because that's when the sun comes out, in her strongest moment, overpowering the tiny pale moon that just a few hours ago, was the only source of light. It get's dark here at 6 o' clock in the evening these days and if I'm inclined to believe everything I hear, then it'll be getting dark earlier as the days pass by.

I had a lovely conversation just a few minutes ago. One of my friends is attempting to quit smoking and has been semi-successful (which we shall applaud to, semi or not, it is still a small step to a daunting task). As me and my other half stole a few precious moments alone in the cold midnight, he crept up behind us and stood three feet away as we inhaled and exhaled plumes of smoke. He stood there and it puzzled me. I wasn't aware that he was planning on doing just exactly that; standing there. As I watched him, my puzzlement turned to amusement as I realized that he had come to inhale our leftovers. I asked him how he was doing with quitting. He revealed then, that he only had one cigarette since the Saturday that had passed. I was impressed. After awhile, perhaps feeling the need to explain himself, he said that it was not that he couldn't live without it; it was just that he was craving it from time to time. I mused over this for awhile, then commented:

"Doesn't that just mean that you can't live without it?"
"No, it just means that I want it," he answered.

A sudden thought came then.

"So, it means that it is your infatuation, but, not your true love."
"Exactly."

That is precisely what it was, and what it is. It is an adolescent infatuation with something wild and dangerous. You can liken it to having a crush on a celebrity (we remember those days, don't we?). We are attracted to these sticks the same way a fourteen-year-old boy was attracted to Pamela Anderson. However, after a certain number of years, the phase dies off and we are left with little, or no feelings of it.Can the same be said for our infatuation? Will it eventually die off without any effort on our parts? I think not, even if I would rather lie to myself. With celebrity infatuation, it can be explained away by fluctuation of hormones, especially during puberty, thus, when our systems are more or less stabilized, we rarely get such strong and intense feelings after that. With this infatuation, there is no fluctuation regarding biology. If we let it, and if adolescents continue with their infatuation, it grows into obsession. If I have to be brutally honest, there is no way in hell do I want to be obsessed with nicotine.

What is my point? I want to say that I have cut down significantly, but that is no solution. It is a small step in my viewpoint but I am sadly biased. I suppose my point is, that I never saw it in this way until today, and I just wanted to share my a-ha moment with you. And yes, even if I do promise to put an end to it, would you believe me? At times, I have trouble believing it myself. But I try. No, because as Yoda once said: "Do or do not, there is no try." So I shall do.

Still Waters

2008-04-30T05:03:00.002+08:00

Time: 5a.m.
Venue: , 24/7 Learning Common,Murdoch University Library, Perth
Song playing in my head: Come Back To What You Know by Embrace

I recall a time like this, almost exactly two years ago when I was awake at this ungodly hour for the same purpose. I had just watched a football match and decided to write about my experience on this very blog. It's amazing how many things have changed since then, and how some things will never ever change, despite the ever-moving hands on the clock. I am still Milan L. Sadhwani. I have not aged one bit so don't believe everything a birthday cake tells you (especially the lucky candle- they put that in to make you feel older, not luckier). I still sing in the shower, in my room and in my car. I still adore food and going out to eat in a nice restaurant. I still enjoy the small things around me. I still am a little girl and get scared easily even though I put up a "macho" front. I still have the same friends (I sure hope so) and I remain grateful for their being in my life. I still can only appreciate home; home to me is family, three square meals and a cosy room to retreat to.

Home is what I crave now. This place is not and never will be home. Perhaps I had assumptions about getting used to this country. Perhaps I thought, in a few months, I would be alright. The thing is, I am alright, I just want my home. You could say that I have a family here, and I certainly attempt to have three square meals in a regular day. But I don't have that coveted room. I don't have the safety net I once did. I don't want to have to look right and left everytime I leave my house. I don't want to brood over what might or might not happen. I just want a home.

I did not mean to bum out anybody, do take note. I might not have a home but I have somebody I can call home and that makes up for the paranoia and wariness that haunts my days in Australia.

Damn, don't I sound melodramatic. I guess all I really need is not look at everything as responsibilities, but as a challenge (as corny as that sounds, but hey I can be pretty corny when I want to). And also it would be nice to wake up one day and discover that my fairy godmother has cooked, cleaned and done my laundry. Oh yea, and my assignments too, if it's not too much trouble. But this is also life, no? What the hell am I whining about, did you hear yesterday's top news? This man from Vienna trapped his daughter in a small room for 24 years and had 7 of her children. Boy, aren't we lucky that we ain't European?

Ok, sending out happy thoughts to all. I promise, I do have some left, despite the above post.

Ahoy!

2008-04-08T16:03:00.002+08:00

Yo, why with the greeting, I don't know but I now am suddenly craving cookies (Chips Ahoy!).

Been almost a month, ei? My my, I do miss writing (for non-academic purposes).

So, here a few things that's been on my mind.

1. You. 'Cos, I miss everybody back home.

2. Being a student away from home is a challenging and interesting experience all at once. I've learnt so much in these two months, possibly more than what I learnt in a whole year being at home and with my parents. So much thought has to go into everything, and I mean; literally everything: cooking, cleaning and even grocery-shopping. Back home, I barely used to think as I put item after item in a shopping cart. Admittedly, I didn't think about what I was purchasing because I usually wasn't the one paying for it. Here, however, EVERY cent counts. I've learnt to be extremely frugal and thrifty, two things I thought I could never be (not when it comes to food or books that is). I enjoy good food, most of which is totally out of my budget, but the time will come for the occasional splurge. Being frugal has also taught me the value of delayed gratification; it can be rewarding to hold back. My dad and I have the same theory on spending for food: it is well worth it, unlike blowing the cash on clothes or other things (but this does not mean my dad understands my theory of splurging on books; you should see his reaction when he used to get bills from Borders or MPH, yikes!). Spending money on food is worth it simply because the experience is fantastic; even though you can't technically keep what you bought (because it's already in your digestive system), you can savour the delicious memories that come from eating amazing Korean barbecue or splendid Thai cuisine, not to mention sweet memories of being with people you love and sharing great food and drinks with them. I have so many of these memories with my parents and Babes and I cherish them with all my heart and be grateful to Dad for trusting me with his credit card (I wonder now if he regrets doing this, aha!).

3.Living without my parents also means something else; no curfew. All this while I imagined myself jumping for joy at this simple fact, but it's an altogether different story after awhile. At the beginning, I must admit I was giddy with happiness, but then I realized, I had to be responsible enough. No one is here telling me what to do, true, but I had to make wise decisions for myself. For example: staying up late. If I did this, I wouldn't be able to wake up for class the next day, and let's face it, missing classes here is a big deal considering how much Dad is paying for tuition fees. And let's not forget, I am horrible at being on time or waking up on time. Basically, freedom is great but it comes with consequences. (If my Mom ever read this, I'm sure she'd wonder if I was being possessed by strange aliens from another plaet). Plus, with so many chores to do at home, there's no time to waste (ok, now I do sound like I've been possessed by wierd aliens).

4.I am now even more into football than I ever was, thanks to Mr. Fanatic, but it's a nice thing, don't worry :D Speaking of which, the big game is coming up on Sunday- Manchester United vs. Arsenal and I'm super-psyched. Wee!

5.I am doing well and am happy here, but I do feel lost without my books (trivial as this is). I miss my favourite books and at times feel like a part of me is incomplete because I don't have them here. I suppose that's a strong way to put it, but yes, I do feel that way. I anticipated this happening, but I didn't expect to such a degree or extent. I surprised myself as well, when I realized this. However, I am learning also, that I can't have everything, so it's okay. Plus, the bookstores here are pretty fantastic and they store my favourite books, so in moments of longing I can always go and sit in there to re-read my favourite chapters. Also, even better news is that alot of people are making trips to Perth so I will soon be reunited with my own copies. Ahhhh, sweet relief. (The libraries in Perth are not bad either!)

6. To end on a happy note, I am learning to cook on my own with fantastic help from everybody and especially Babes who is wonderful in the kitchen and extremely supportive in being my guinea pig. Speaking of everybody else, I am really lucky; I already have a new set of friends which I didn't have to hunt around for; most of them live with me. Thank you everybody.

Keep in touch people =)

Signing off,
Dwarfy Terrorist (it's a long story but the name has stuck)

The Waking Dream

2008-03-05T01:07:00.002+08:00

Um,hi!

So, guess what? I'm sitting in the Murdoch University library, it's 2.08am, Perth time, 1.08am, KL time. I'm wearing my SWAT t-shirt and jeans and typing on my Acer laptop.I'm sitting next to Babes and after being here for two weeks, I still feel like pinching myself to validate that, yes indeed I am finally here, in Perth, Western Australia. After dreaming about it, talking about it, planning about it, thinking about it and ruminating about it for more than a year, I am here. We are here, together. It's been a crazy ride, not just metaphorically but literally too. I had initially applied for the July intake but IDP informed me that Murdoch decided to give me the green light for February, 5 days before my first class would commence. Mad rush. Mad packing. Mad unpacking. Mad packing again. Mad goodbye to books, bookshelf, car, room. Surreal feeling to leave mom, dad and brother at the airport, too agitated to cry just yet (but of course I decided to do that on the plane with absolutely NO tissues available therefore having to resort to sniffling into the sleeves of my t-shirt; how very sophisticated). Even more surreal to actually arrive. It will take time to sink in, but that's something I don't really have these days.

Classes are fantastic, days are slipping by with just reading all the assigned text but this is what I've been waiting for and I have no reason to complain or rant anymore about my academic life. So far, so good, touchwood *knocks on table*.
What more can I say? My other half here has been fantastic in comforting me when I get bouts of homesickness. I miss mom and it's hard without her but I suppose this is training for married life (oh boy, that's another story, we'll cross that bridge when it comes to that).

I have many stories about life in Perth but Mr. Dickens beckons me to his writings and I must go. Bless you all.

I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Psychologist

2008-02-05T22:59:00.000+08:00

...and I will never have to be one!

Today, Curtin University of Technology turned down my appeal for extra exemptions to the measly one year they gave me. Today, I decided to turn this disappointing piece of news into something extremely fantastic.

I am liberated from the field of psychology. I don't ever have to look at another lab report and pretend I want to read it. I don't ever have to conduct searches on Ebsco.com about The Effects of Motivation on the Mentally Ill. I don't ever have to look at pages and pages of SPSS and feel like an ant in an elephant's house.

Instead, I get to jump into this wonderful, exciting, scary new world of english and creative arts. Except that it doesn't even feel new, it feels like I'm coming home to things familiar and comforting to me. I get to read and read and read some more. I get to feel like I can actually do something right. Boy do I hope I can do this right.

I know this all sounds so incredibly cheesy but I am happy.

The price I have to pay is six months more of the dreaded Distance but we are good on both sides and this makes me even happier. I promise silently to be good and to not make the same mistakes. I do this with a light heart, because I am armed with the knowledge that we get to spend 3 years together and get to know each other even better.

I'll be back soon, I can't write very well with this hyper, crazed, Friends-obsessed person in my room. (gee, who am I to talk)

Questions to the Ruminators

2007-12-13T11:34:00.000+08:00

If you could go back in time, to one particular period in your life, which one would you pick?
If you could change anything you wanted in the past, what would you change?
Why?
Because I believe that everything happens for a reason.
Do you?
I doubt these are the effects of taking philosophy class but I woke up thinking of this and wanted to hear what you think, so feel free to answer. :D That is my favourite new smiley, by the way.

Exams are over, and I'm bracing myself for the inevitable clean up my mom is going to put me through. My allies are busy today, so none of them can save me; one is PMS-ing(which is no excuse to me,hrmph) and the other is entertaining a guest in her house(fine, she gets away). Basically, I am left alone in the hands and subtle criticism of my mommy(whom I love, make no mistake, but we will start a Cold War in about 3hours from now). What makes everything worthwhile is the fact that I am leaving to Penang in 3 days from now and I am holding onto my chair to keep from jumping around because I am very excited.

Music lessons beckon me, I must go now.

December

2007-12-04T21:32:00.000+08:00

Songs I croon to these days:
1. I'll Be There- Sade
2. Vibrate- Rufus Wainwright
3. PDA (We Just Don't Care)- John Legend
4. Perfect Exceeder- Mason vs. Princess Superstar
5. Inner Glow- Blue October
6. Black Orchid- Blue October
7. It's A Heartache- Bonnie Tyler
8. The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore- James Morrison
9. Always- Jon Bon Jovi
10. all the love songs because singing feels great

Hallo. I've been awfully busy ignoring this space. So this is what my December looks like (hey,that was a song by Linkin Park, wow, nostalgia).

7th December- a visit to KLIA to greet my other half (holy cow I'm waiting for that)
12th December- exams are officially over and hopefully so is my stay at Help University College
16th-19th December- a Penang trip with the CFP centre of Help for Play Therapy and rendezvous with my darling. Nyaha

On behalf of a good friend: pls go see this play- The Illusion which will be playing from the 13th-22nd of December at 8.30pm. For more details, pls call 0172276428. Tickets are priced at rm20. Do it now or I'll sucker-punch you (wow, I should try the advertising field).

Exams are making me feel less human so I think I sound quite like a robot these days. How is it possible to fit so many words in such small spaces? Like my head.

See you when i'm more homosapien-ish.
If that happens.

Chew On This

2007-11-16T01:48:00.000+08:00

Buongiorno. Technically it's not daytime anymore so, Buon Serra to all. I don't know where Italian came from at 2 in the morning,but this is what philosophy assignments do to you.

I think it was insanely sweet for the clove smoker to ask me to update myself here, so this is for you, ok? (By the way Sebastian, if only more girls knew what you were made of, they'd be lining across the blocks to be with you. I hate that they don't).

Recently, I've been forced to take a proper look at the people around me, those who know me, talk to me, laugh with me and so on. I could only count a few who would cry for me though. But I was not disappointed at all, because they are the ones who matter the most. I am exceptionally lucky to have these people around me and I cannot explain how grateful I am to them.

As for the people who come in your lifes, then walk away when they don't need anything from you, well I find you despicable. I know that you understand what I'm saying. I think the best of us have experienced these individuals. Sadly, they're everywhere, more common than you think. They're not bad people though, that's what I've come to learn. They're just a tad too self-absorbed, as we all tend to get sometimes.

What pisses me off is when it happens to people who don't deserve it (you know who you are). These people I speak about are wonderful human beings. They're caring, kind, smart, helpful, thoughtful, protective and funny. That is just to name a few of their defining characteristics. Yet we have mindless people walking away from them, acting as if they don't exist and generally, snubbing them for no apparent reason. It makes my blood boil and my hands curl into a fist. The people I know, cherish and love deserve this the least, yet this is what were thrown in their faces. I just want to say that I hope they don't bother feeling hurt or let down. I hope that they take it as a lesson, that some people will walk away, not knowing what they're doing to us inside. When they come to you next, you don't have to turn them down out of spite, because you're better than that, but you shouldn't have to devote any extra time or energy for them, because they sure as hell don't deserve it.

I want you to know that it's their own fat frackin' loss. Oh, they have lost wonderful company, I know that for sure.
So to the losers and idiots who walk away from people like my beautiful friends, it's too bad dude. I got 'em and I ain't lettin' go. Pfft. I'd like to bitch-slap you to Somalia so they can perform genital mutilation on you but I'm still trying to hold on to my beliefs of ahimsa (non-violence). It's getting hard though.
Signing off now before I burn holes on my screen with my macho face.

I'll come back with less aggression. 13 days until the assignments die (finish). I'll kill (finish) 'em all, pwomise.

Conquests

2007-10-19T22:06:00.000+08:00

So...

Today, Sally and I conquered Simple Present Tense(s). One hour of today was spent on yelling "We like! She likes! He likes! You like!" After many attempts, she was finally able to grasp this underrated concept and proceeded to declare "I know, I know, I know!" (Something she does quite often, bright button that she is.) It was great, to say the least. The list of people I'm going to miss is getting longer as the days go by. Due to my extremely frequent trips to the gas station down the road, I'll be obliged to miss the Caltex dudes too, or rather, they'll miss the huge influx of I-Talk sales I made possible. Phone cards are essential when you have loved ones in other (stupid) countries.

There's a big prayer function going on in my house on Sunday and it's truly madhouse central over here. Mom and Grans are in a frenzy and I am caught in the crossfires but what else is new, ei? All said in good humour, I'm used to the steady stream of visitors that seem to think my house is a hotel-cum-clubhouse.

The work is piling as the peak of the semester draws near; the apex in the life of any Psychology student studying in Help (I'm saying this with a straight face, I swear)*DRUMROLL*... The Annual Psychology Colloquium. Yes folks, it's that time of the year again and you're about to see something highly amusing, sad and degrading all at the same time; hundreds and hundreds of students scurrying around, shedding their own blood, sweat and tears, not to mention possibly risking their own lifes (and perhaps those around them) to win the title of best oral presentation.
Nothing wrong with being the best, obviously, it's just not worth all that trouble when most of the presentations are worth zero in the final grading scheme of any given Psychology subject (not to mention it's worth nothing in the long run of The Big Picture). Most of us can barely see even the corner of the picture, ei?

Moving on from less provoking thoughts, I can't wait for December (stating the bloody obvious, aren't I).
Also, they opened a new discount bookstore in Amcorp that I just discovered and prodded thoroughly on the previous Saturday. If you can believe that, they've been open since the end of last year but were formerly located in a smaller space (but I honestly don't know how I missed it because, for one- it's bright orange and for two-well, it's a bookstore). My conclusion however is; they're selling bestsellers at half the price MPH charges, so to hell with that ripping-off outlet (I still love you, MPH).
I recently got back She's Come Undone (a Wally Lamb classic by the way, and if you didn't know that, SHAME ON YOU) from Nim and oh, the relief.

Oh and Syar, I still don't like your top ten list idea okay. It's insane, I don't even know how you had the audicity to suggest it!! Madness, I tell you!
(She suggested I only pack 10 of my favourite books with me to Perth). I know, crazy right?
Alright, fine I'm the nut here. It's still a dilemma (the book problem, not my nutsiness), so somebody help.

I'm off to try and get some work done. I said try, you don't have to laugh.
Loves to all =D

Couldn't Keep It To Myself

2007-10-01T23:22:00.000+08:00

After two years of having purchased the book, I finally finished it and I am kicking myself for not having read it sooner. Wally Lamb(ed)and the Women of York Correctional Institution: Couldn't Keep It To Myself. To state that it is an eye-opener is a gross understatement. I have never cried so hard while reading a book and after, seriously,and trust me I am the kind who cries with most books and movies, even before the person gets killed off the storyline. Oh I cried, and I wept, but I challenge you to read the book and remain dry-eyed. Even the most stoic of you will be bawling, I am willing to bet this and why, you ask? Simply because the women's stories are so raw, so real and at the same time so ghastly that you almost want to stop reading. Nevermind if you cry or not, just read it, seriously. Ever single complaint you ever made will seem completely redundant when you read this. It is altogether a humbing experience and I was compelled to stand up straight and salute these women; these are the real fighters.

Us women have come a long way, but this book clearly shows that we have so much more left. So let's not ever stop, just like these women. We are lucky that we don't have to be scared in our own homes, that we have somewhat normal lives and that we have the freedom to do as we wish. These women learnt their lessons but some of them are still incarcerated. So while they're still in there, let's speak for them, and the million others who have to be quiet about their slowly unraveling insanity.

Hurry up and read it, seriously.

Sing, sing, sing

2007-09-23T03:06:00.000+08:00

Me song list:
1. Come Back To What You Know -Embrace
2. Special Needs -Placebo
3. The Way -Fastball
4. Amber -311 (an old favourite)
5. I Will Come To You -Hanson (nostalgia!)
6. Forget To Remember -Mudvayne
7. Love Will Come Through -Travis
8. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Bikini -unknown (yes, don't ask)
9. Our Farewell -Within Temptations
10.Climbing Up the Walls -Radiohead (more nostalgia)

Funny Conversations:
(Nim's house, a laid-back evening of playing Speed...)

Nim: *hums an Edwin McCain song that's playing on the radio*
Me: Oo, but I like the other one better, u know, I Could Not Ask For More?
Nim: *looks very confused* Which one? Sing a bit?
Me: Lying here with you, listening to the rain, *gestures wildly with a card hoping
to jog Nim's foggy memory* lalalala, something something something.
Nim *stares some more*
Me: These are the moments, I thank God that I'm alive. These are the moments...
Nim: *pauses* Eh girl, you can sing-la.
Me: *stares at Nim* I sing to you every time we're in the car and now you throw this
compliment at me??
Nim: Yes, but you can sing.
Me: *at loss for words*

By the way, we have a new addiction these days; it's called Take Two and damn, it's fun! True, it's a word game, but we love words, don't we? Don't worry, Speed is still around, it's just that T.T. takes precedence now.
Also, I have a confirmed seat on the 6th of February and am on the waiting list for both the 5th and the 7th. With the way time is flying, I don't think it'll feel like 5months gone by when I finally have to say goodbye. Hey, that rhymes.

I shall come back here when I continue reading my books because those have taken a backseat to the damn assignments. Damn you, you and you.

Take care all.

This Includes a Rant

2007-09-18T00:47:00.000+08:00

Hewwo.

Here are a few random things, because there is no possible way I can be organized; at least, not with my thoughts.

1. Books!!! (I've been on)
a. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte (yep, still but only because textbooks get
in the way).
b. I Couldn't Keep it To myself by Wally Lamb (& the women of York Correctional
Institution) - I need my dose of humanity
c. Matrix Warrior by Jake Horsley (which I've been annoying Sebastian with)

2. Referring to point a. yes I have been actually studying, now please do close your
mouths, it is terribly rude for you to gape at me like that. Here's the punchline though, it can actually be enjoyable at times, especially if it's philosophy or substance abuse. But I get pretty upset in Substance Abuse class, I don't know why but I am very, very sensitive when it comes to the topic of drugs (yes, I am aware that I am an abuser myself, but well it's licit, ok??). I become majorly upset when I hear about the effects on people and the withdrawal symptoms. This is mainly the reason I was so shaky at the damn rave thing, I could see the fools on their high. Yep, I'm a fool too, I know I know (but well James Dean did it ok??).

3. Watched The Holiday and liked it but my DVD started bitchin' around chapter 24 so I got angry and turned on Astro instead. Caught the first half of Mercury Rising and left it halfway through because I realized I had enough anxiety-inducing moments for the day.

4. Ok, here's a rant: I can't stand to say I'm a feminist to people anymore because of the stupid reactions and comments I get:

"Oh, you hate men la."
"So you don't like dressing up and wearing nice clothes?"
"You can't be, you have a boyfriend!"

I mean, seriously? Is everybody still 4-years old and/ living under a frackin' rock? If so, please allow me to correct your extremely faulty misconception about feminism and all the moronic stereotypes that accompany this ideology.
A feminist does not need to be someone who has an overpowering urge to line up all the men in the world and shoot them in the nuts, in fact, this is NOT a prerequisite to being one (don't believe everything you hear, for Pete's sake). A feminist is simply someone who desires and wants the injustice towards women (who make up half the human population, by the way, NOT less than men unlike popular belief) to be put to an end. That is the simplest way I can put it, without getting into too much detail. Also, YES, even men can be feminists, this doesn't make you less of a man, do not fret, it just makes you even more attractive to the ladies, if anything.

However, having said that I cannot stand it, doesn't mean that it'll stop me. I do believe that this can be corrected with more awareness,so please do pass on the message.
Do you enjoy hearing about domestic abuse? No? I thought so. There you go, a feminist in your own right.

5. Ok, end rant (I had to and I will not apologize). Been going to Geeta classes at the Ashram on Thursday nights and it's doing me good, I must say. Also, my room is currently cleaner than it's ever been since I first moved in 7 years ago. God, it's been 7 years!

6. Still doing the tuition thing, but the mother has temporarily stopped classes with me as her mother is in town so she is doing the whole quality-time jig. I totally understand but feel I should be doing more than just having one little girl to teach (although it is so great I swear). The other day we were talking about gender (which I hate because they already re-inforce the nurse=women and doctor=men thing in the vocab books that I use) and she told me that she didn't like being a girl and when I asked her why, she replied "Because I don't like girl" (which got a very enthusiastic reply from my end). It was too cute and also she learnt what bubbles were on Saturday, so I promised her that I'd bring some of mine and we could have a blowing session in between lessons. She was so excited she started yelling Bubbles over and over again for the rest of the class. Also, I love the Wrong-Way Rabbit. Hee. Believe it or not, they don't have nice story books here for kids that I can get for a reasonable price because I try not to charge for the materials so if anybody knows of a good place, please do speak up. I have a soft spot for Rapunzel now because that's the first story I read to her and if I'm right she totally adored it.

Ok, so more later, my wuvs to all, all, ALL. Wee.

I'm In

2007-09-11T19:04:00.000+08:00

So, guess what?

I got the offer letter from Curtin, University of Technology. Can you say weeeeeee?
Hee. I'm going to Perth, baybey. I think I'm still trying to wrap my head around this and I'm being a bit cautious I suppose in terms of getting carried away because I still have to send in the acceptance letter and a whole bunch of other things but I am very happy.

It is here that I must ask all those who matter (and you know who you are, right right?) to please meet up with me and let's spend more time together so I won't forget you when I go away. Hah, I'm kidding. But let's do that alrighty? You can even help me with the the whole shopping extravaganza that is sure to take place as long as my mom is in charge (MIL, you need winter clothes, new clothes, Perth clothes, etc) so please, I request for volunteers to come with me when my Mom drags me to every shopping mall in the vicinity of Klang Valley (yes, I loathe shopping, except if we're going to a bookstore.)

Also, if you have any advice or tips to share about anything and you feel you must impart your wisdom, please, don't keep silent, feel free to share and share you must. I especially need advice on how I'm going to export my entire bookshelf to Perth (I cling to the hope that this is still possible and not at all expensive, I know I'm naive) so please do get cracking on that toughie.

Thank you to all of you who reminded me not to worry, I shall keep this in mind, you did help, even if I still looked like a nervous wreck. That's just my face, alright?

See you in a bit, dahlins'.

Research

2007-08-28T23:14:00.000+08:00

Song: Ice Ice Baby- Vanilla Ice

Hehe, old school babyy! Has anyone heard the version done by the South Park's character, Timmy? It's so cute, Timmy's my favourite. Check him out in the episode of Special Olympics, that was a good one. You see a young kid injecting himself with steroids. Sigh, how sad is that? Speaking of steroids, my Substance Abuse lecturer is awesome. One good lecturer this semester should be enough to motivate me, I suppose? We have a literature review to do on the relationship between substance abuse and crimes and I think it's pretty interesting. I'm pretty much lost in Philosophy though so I have to read more. We have a group assignment for that and I paired up with this dude who doesn't seem as lost as the others so perhaps there's hope there. Nyah. But the questions for the assignment are mind-boggling I swear. I sound so blonde, forgive me, but it's all quite new to me. Ah well hopefully I shall catch up instead of lagging behind like a lone sheep.

Enough about asses, I want to tell you about some other research that I've been doing. I recently visited this website about Sindhi Festivals. Yes, you read right, but I had a special reason for it. Nyaha. So get this, on Friday there is a festival called Teejri, which are for married woman and young women who aspire for good husbands (well, don't we all?). The women are required to fast the whole day and only break this fast when they catch sight of the full moon in the night. It's pretty fun to go moon-sighting, because I remember when I was younger and my Mom had kept the fast, we went around the neighbourhood looking for the moon. It was a cloudy night so we literally had to go chasing for it. Then, when we did find it, we yelled for Mom to hurry and do the honours (which were getting out of the car to perform a prayer). Moon-catching, doesn't that sound swell?
This is followed by the woman's first meal of that day. In other regions, it is called Karwachauth and it is performed slightly differently. If you've ever watched a Hindi movie, you would know that the woman is required to hold up a sift at the moon and then shift the sift to her husband's face. It sounds a bit more romantic I suppose because the husband is actually present for what is usually the "ladies day in" as opposed to the Sindhi version. But then again, I've only seen movies of it. Movies are usually more romantic than real life, no?

Picked up a book recently called Heart's Delight by a Swedish author called Per Nilsson, and it is translated from Swedish to English thus it has that charm to it. I find translated items quite simplistic but very beautiful all at once.

Still no news from bloody Australia about the application and everyone is getting edgy. I think it's quite possible that they lost my copy. Geez, what a pain. I'm giving them one more week before I re-apply through the Help admin (who for some reason have been reasonably competent).

Dad's been raving about this movie called Blind Date, according to him it's fantastic. My dad sees all the movies (I'm not kidding, I'm like way behind him) so for him to say that, must be true. So go watch it when you have the chance.

Loves to all, and a wink to my Babes.

Shut Up and Listen

2007-08-20T21:27:00.000+08:00

So, Mom's been looking for a job. She's been doing that, actually, since, well...forever. But the good news is that she actually found one. A work-at-home-typist sort of thing. The cynic in me is thinking that it's a scam but the optimist in me reasoned that if it is she'll only be losing 10bucks (which is alright in the grand scheme of things, I suppose). The 10bucks is for the 'training material' that they will send to her e-mail account and after she 'trains herself' she would apparently be ready to earn money, right from the house! Sorry, that's miss sarcastic coming out again. Whatever it is, I'm just hoping she'll get a move on it. I'd rather she work at a 'proper' working environment, because when you work from home (not that I've done it, but this is my opinion), you don't get the same experience that you'd get in a roomful of people working with you. Meeting people, both clients/customers and colleagues is so much a part of it, isn't it?

Moving on to less frustrating news,
College started today. First day was good, as it usually is. In fact, I don't remember ever having an un-nice first day. This is probably because first days are filled with such hope and unrealistic thoughts. For example- I am SO going to get an A in this course, I mean, it's a given. I'll just work my ass off, and goddamnit, I WILL this time. Then you know, a couple of weeks later, you're falling asleep in class and the lecturer that you thought would turn out okay is boring you halfway to hell. Another example- I am totally going to take notes and pay attention, so help me God! Then you know, a mere couple of hours later, you're doodling lyrics from songs you've forgotten you knew.
You get my gist, and I know you feel me.
But I was supposed to move on to less frustrating news, wasn't I? Aiks, but well, I thought I'd be honest to myself for a change. And yet you know, here I'm secretly hoping I'll prove myself wrong. Ah, time will tell.
Realistically though? I do know I can do it. I do know that I am capable of pulling a decent grade. But let's face it, Pysch is psych, and it's just not as fun as the arts. And by Arts I mean Sociology. Har har. (Note to readers who are confused, there are still certain piggies out there who brand Sociology and the likes as Soft Science, or rather...Arts. I suppose you'd call quantum phsyics the whole truth and nothing but the truth ei? Note to piggies- there is no truth. Lesson #1). Bwahaha. I am scaring myself.
Ok, but I do have to do well. Or I miss my last shot of getting to Curtin on time. By God, I should scare myself that way.

Another thing I'd like to say, I may be stating the obvious (as we all sometimes do), but, this is pissing me off again and again.
The most pressing problems that people face tend to involve their supposed "other half" or a "potential other half". But you know, if that person is really your other half, or someone that's supposed to mean alot to you, he/she would not be troubling you this way. For some reason, all I've been hearing lately is how this oh-so-important person has been letting you down and/or ruining your life. By you, I mean anybody I care for or anybody else for that matter, reading this.

Oh, I can only tell you this. Get out. Now. Run if you have to, run, scream all the way down the hill, cover your ears, duck, dodge, hop, skip but please, if you have one single ounce of self-respect (it doesn't have to be alot, just a teeny-tiny little bit will do), that is what you should do. Get out of the mess before it gets messier. Oh, I would tell you some more but I choose not to. It is not my place anyway. Must insert disclaimer here- I am not, in any way, judging you, trust me (this is simply because I have no right to as I was waist-deep myself).

Oh, I know what you'll tell me. All the But's, all the What-If's. I know, I know. However, let's just all take a moment and think: what would you do if I told you all those things would never change? That ten years later, you'll still be saying..But...what if...
There can only be a yes or a no. If it's a no, then you have your answer. Therefore, you don't have any more reasons (doesn't matter if they're rational or otherwise, it only has to make sense to you) to stay in the eye of the storm.
Yes, one more thing. Listen to your own head. Just shut up and listen.

I'll end with some good news. To make a long story short, I have now a better chance of getting accepted to Curtin, but I don't want to say anything further, lest I jinx it. Basically after talking to one of the Helpers (hee-haw) I felt slightly more optimistic.
Cross your fingers, all of you.

Something's Coming

2007-08-10T16:39:00.000+08:00

It has come to my attention that I haven't been writing (Gee Mil, aren't you a whiz). So here I am.

India was so blah that I will not and cannot bring myself to bore anybody with details. I will only say this much. If and when my mother decides to attends somebody's wedding in another country, I will refuse to go along even when she turns her pleading eyes onto me and lectures me about "family". I can show my appreciation for family by sending a basket of chocolates (which will get more attention than me in the flesh).

Anyhoo, it is good to be home despite the anticipated dread I feel tingling in my being that I won't be here for long. It is completely ironic how I want time to speed by and slow down all at the same time. Have not heard from Curtin, I shall be pestering them soon, in hopes of hearing good news. I could not bear it if it is anything else.

Random note- I have mehndi on my right hand and 4 scars on my body (that will probably go away). A certain sort of rash has developed on the inside of both my arms. Damn that India. Also, I met a baby so cute that decided to pull my hair so hard and give me a scratch so deep on my right arm. This one's healing pretty quickly. However, I got scratched by Nimmy's cat yesterday and this was because I didn't let her play with the strings on my pants. I mean, it's my pants, kitty. Get your own. Fourthly, while closing my car door (rather, while banging my car door shut) I forgot to remove my leg that happened to be in its way. Bang, another bruise appeared. So there you have it, a pretty patchwork of my little accidents.

I choose not to tell you how I spent the two weeks before I left for India because it was sacred to me in a way and also, I don't want to freak you guys out. Har har.

After finishing the Ya-ya's, I was reading Robin Cook's Vital Signs which was a total letdown. When the good guys (by that I mean the conventional, attractive mid-thirties woman with a fiery determination to solve the mystery) cracked the puzzle, there was no showdown with the bad guys. No court case, no fight scene, no confrontation, no nothing. Dissapointing, to say the least. I finished it on the plane and started P.J. Tracy which was pretty good. Suspense thriller and the ending was superb. She's pretty brilliant, funny too. This was followed by Maeve Binchy's Carousel which reminded me of Virginia Andrews, only less dramatic but nonetheless quite scandalous. New England people are fun to read about eh? I am now reading Josephine Hart's Damage. My current favourite is still the Ya-ya's. It blew me away and it's been awhile since a book has done that to me. Whoosh.

Whoosh you later people.

Must.Rave.

2007-07-21T01:55:00.000+08:00

The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood is amazing. I can't say anything else in fear of spoiling it's brilliance. But I simply adore it. I especially love the way Wells totally indulges her readers with lovely descriptions of sights and smells. Such a delicious book. Please do dive in when you can!

p/s- Shall elaborate when I'm not so stupified and well, Nip/Tuck is playing.

Pop

2007-07-17T22:23:00.000+08:00

Pop!
Just popped in for a few quick updates. Yes I am the new newscaster. Wee.
No I am not high (and neither was I high when I wrote that survey post, Ming- just to set the record straight).

1. I am leaving for India on the 27th, evening and returning to KL 6th, morning. I will be located at Bombay (apparently the Big Apple of India) and in honour of my aunt's wedding. I'm sure it's going to be beautiful but it's just bad timing so it pretty much sucks. Babes is leaving for Aussie on the 3rd. Please buy me ice cream and books to cheer me up. Hee. Nah I'd still be pissy and oh-so-weepy (you could sit with me and hand me tissue after tissue).

2. I have broken all my policies on tv series as I recently bought the entire first season of nip/tuck. End result: I am addicted (admitting it is the first step, ei). I am going to get a hard time for this, aren't I? Oh, but it's fantastic (even though it's ridiculously dramatic- but not in the Bold and Beautiful way, just simple, raw, fabulous acting skills). *the end of my world- I'm gushing about a television show other than F.R.I.E.N.D.S.*

3. Needless to say the past two weeks have been perfect; in a way it makes up for the past five months and it is going to be the thing that keeps me going for the next six. That and alot of comfort food (I have been steadily gaining weight- holy cow!)

4. A note to shaggy, my only one: Sometimes I get sad and frustrated because I know you are sad and frustrated, so I want to say sorry. I understand that the one of the reasons you feel those things is because we're apart, so I shouldn't force you to feel otherwise. I am sorry if I overwhelm you with my perkiness and/or cheerfulness. That is just me trying to get you to give me one of your little-boy smiles. I am always here for you, no matter what. In time, I will learn to deal with this, as we get to know each other better. I love you. I hope you understand where I'm coming from too. It takes two.

5. I miss the right hand terribly.

6. I recently picked up Tengku Halim's Vermillion Eye and I do not understand what the fuss is all about. I did not enjoy the way it was written (quite similar to Steinbeck's simple style of writing except slightly inferior) and although I understand that his usage of chauvinism was in a way to portray the mindsets and mood of the characters and theme respectively, I did not think it was completely necessary. Would you ever come across a sentence in a book where a women turns to another women and asks "Good f***?" Yea, I thought so. Gosh, that pissed me off. He simply pointed to the door (presumably where the man had just done the deed with a woman *it doesn't matter if she was a prostitute either, I can't remember if she was*) and says that line. It made my skin crawl.

7. I did not want to end on that note, so I should also mention (again, I think) that the Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood is well, divine.

Ta!

Little Old-School Me

2007-07-07T14:48:00.000+08:00

Helloww. Shout-out to Jacq- you're back! (did that rhyme or was that just me?)

We love lists so let's make one:

1. The last thing that I thought I would say- I really enjoyed Die Hard 4.0, despite the shootings and explosions (although I must say that fire can be pretty if you ignore the damage it usually creates to the atmosphere and the screaming people it consumes). Yes I did watch it with my cuddle partner but the movie was actually pretty good (yes, we were watching the screen, don't start).

2. I am falling in love with Billie Holiday all over again; her sound is just so amazing. There's a special Billie Holiday CD that they're selling at the Starbucks counter and I have been eyeing it nonstop everytime I go there (my birthday's coming up, make a note, quick).

3. Currently reading Kate Milletts' Sexual Politics and it is so disturbing yet enlightening. Have decided to try the art of reading several books at the same time (i.e. not like in both hands but like alternate between a chosen three or four). Then realized that I'm already doing that. Dipped into Robin Morgan's The Word of A Woman yesterday and nearly started a full-fledged sobfest at the mamak. I stopped in time and cleverly dodged the lump in my throat. There was domestic abuse and you know the rest. Thanks to my paper for political science I am now binge-ing helplessly on feminist literature and thoroughly enjoying it. This is why I also have the Divine Secrets of the Ya-ya Sisterhood by Rebecca Wells on standby (has been that way since early June). Kinda took a backseat when I excitedly discovered that feminist is considered an ideology therefore perfectly suitable for the aforementioned paper.

4. On to more exciting news (aha!) exams finished on Thursday by 2pm but like I told babes, I already felt like I was on holiday what with all the gloriousness I mentioned earlier. A whole bunch of us went to Chili's for drinks and dinner the same day. Headed to Telawi after that and realized that Bangsar is just getting sad.
Quote of the day: *makes an 0 with fingers while mouthing "zero!"* (that was the reaction we got from the guys we took to Bangsar while they were hunting for attractive people). can you say LOL. (I was in too good a mood to lecture them on being MCP's).

5. You better know what an MCP is.

6. Tuition is going well *knocks on wood* and they treat me very well. I get snacks, drinks and today the lady gave me Estee Lauder lipgloss for no blinkin' reason at all. Ah, the perks. Also, the swimming pool in their condo looks fab, I want to abuse my rights there (I have an access card). I have yet to start with the mother so am still a bit apprehensive. Also, I am having a problem explaining meanings to the kid; I can't draw for nuts and I am generally bad at describing/explaining things to people. This is why I rely on my stupid sense of humour. Suggestions, anyone, please. Thank you.

7. Nimmy turns 20 on Monday but will always act like a 4-year-old. We all will, won't we? Lots of love to Nimmmmy.

8. Payal's leaving at 10am on Wednesday, 11th July 2007. Much love and luck to you, dumbass. I know you want an iPod or a car or better yet a lot of cash but all I can give you is me. You'll always have me. Don't ever forget that. (You better be tearing you cold heartless stone, you).

9. I'm on break til' the second week of August. Can you say WEE?

10. Thank you babes for all our memories. I want to make more with you. And HAPPY 9TH ANNIVERSARY in advance! Yay us! *waits to be spoilt rotten tomorrow* heehee.

11. Here is my music these days.
a. Our Love Is Here To Stay- Billie Holiday
b. You Sexy Thing- Hot Chocolate
c. California Youth and Beauty- The Decemberists
d. I'm Looking Through You- The Wallflowers*
e. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds- Beatles*
f. I Feel Pretty- Julie Andrews
g. You've Got To Hide Your Love Away- Eddie Vedder*
h. Across the Universe- Rufus Wainwright*
i. Two of Us- Aimee Mann and Michael Penn*
j. Nowhere Man- Paul Westerberg*

* These songs are from the I Am Sam soundtrack and they are so brilliant. I can't even decide which one I like better- the soundtrack or the movie; both are supremely fantastic.

12. I want to watch Shrek 3.

Wee, off I go.

Cha-ching

2007-07-06T12:29:00.000+08:00

What would I do if I won the lottery.

What kind of car would you buy?
- A beetle or Mr. Bean's car. I can't fit anywhere else anyway eh?

Where in the country would you move
to?
-In the country: I would move to the beachside and just set up camp there. Out the county I'd go to Bali! Also to the beachside!

What kind of house would u buy?
- A house made out of chocolate because I'm so loaded right now I can afford to EAT the damn thing.

Would you give your family any money?
- For sure, after eating my own house of course.

Would you give your friends any
money?
- No but I would buy them drinks,and like ship them to the beach too.

Where would you go on vacation?
- Oo everywhere, especially Europe. Ok yea, everywhere.

What luxury item would you buy first?
- A huge ass plasma TV for my dad.

Would it change your life?
- Most certainly it would in certain aspects.

Would you save any of it?
- Yes and I'd invest it in a good cause; namely a women's organization.

Would it change your current
relationship?
- Oo I'd spoil my babes rotten.

Would you quit your job?
- No I love my job! I'd get more jobs with all my financial superpowers no?

Would you ever work again?
- Yesh. I'd build a daycare center for kids and we could dance and sing to Itsy-Bitsy-Teeny-Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini all day. NO MTV.

What one task would you never do
again?
- Look at my wallet and only see receipts?

What dream of yours would you be able
to do?
- Mentioned above. Oh and did you know that now you can go on vacation and contribute to society by volunteering? Now you do!

Would you change the way you dress?
- I doubt it, I'd buy a few more jeans though and use them til' they look like my current ones. It's a miracle my parents don't pass out from all the sighing and rolling-of-eyes that I encounter at home.

Would you change anything about your
body?
- No, I'm good thank you.

Would you miss anything about not
being rich?
- Perhaps I'd miss having to actually worry? Um, ok no.

Who would be the first person you
tell?
- Babes!

Would it bring you happiness?
-Not any more than when I was not-too-loaded. Happiness is a state of mind.

Talk to Me

2007-06-27T23:24:00.000+08:00

1) Star Sign:
*leo*

2) What do pple call you:
*Mil, Milly, Milly-Willy [new edition], Mila, Dei[Payal has a variation of these] Babes[Viv has a variation of these :0]*

3) What are you hooked to at home:
*Laptop*

4) What beauty tips would you like to
share:
*Having a tummy is never the end of the world because women are supposed to have meat.* [ahem, you know who you are]

5) How do you keep fit:
*I'm not in the least bit fit.*

6) What's the weird thing pple don't
know about you:
*I'm pretty open with my weird-ness. Ok here's something nobody knows; I'm a righty but I brush my teeth with my left hand. I don't know what's up with that.*

7) What's your latest favourite scent:
*The pinkish bottle from Body Shop. Issey Miyake.*

8) What recipe would you share to pple
who are on diet:
*Oh. Don't diet.*

9) What's ur 'public' habit that isn't
obvious:
*I sing to every song in my car. In my head. Hehe.

10) What's ur long-term wish:
*To rule the world. Or just my little household. Hee.

11) What's your most evil deed:
*Oh boy. Just my voodoo abilites.*

12) What crime have you been into:
*Kidnapping people I love outta their houses. I always return them though.*

13) Whose your celebrity crush:
*Smeagol from LOTR.*

14) Are you a bisexual:
*No, but perhaps I was in another lifetime.*

15) Are you cute?
*I'm rodent-cute. =P*

16) Can virgins be sexy:
*Virginity is not directly correlated with sexiness, you prick.*

17) Are you always arrogant:
*I boast about the way I'm superman.*

18) Do you tell pple about your alter-
ego:
*All the time.I need someone to blame my shortcomings on, ei? Aha.*

19) What connects you easily to others:
*Everything but small talk.*

20) Which celeb's life would you like
to live into:
*Paris Hilton so I could spend all her money. See the way I think.*

21) What's your most common advice:
*Talk to me.*

23) Are you a good boy:
*I try.*

24) Do you snog guys from other races:
*I snog guys no more. Little boys are my specialty.*

25) If you were to rebirth,what mixed
heritage do you wish you are:
*What you should ask me is what period would I want to be born in and I would tell you either the 19th century or the 1960's. Old school I am.*

26) Are you a wild partygirl:
*I'm as wild as the sky is green. But I do love the dancing.*

27) Have you ever sufferred to look
good:
*I wouldn't call waxing a form of suffering but some might.*

28) What's your best experience:
*The latest would be my special roadtrip. Hee*

29) What's your biggest secret:
*That I can actually be super-shy. Stop laughing.*

Very much taken

2007-06-24T15:01:00.000+08:00

1) Single, Taken, or Flirting?
:: Very much taken. =D

2) Are you happy with where you are?
:: Yes, could not ask for more.

3) When you meet the right person, do
you fall fast?
:: I think I did fall fast and pretty damn hard. I ain't complaining though.

4) Have you ever had your heart
broken?
:: Yes, because people can disappoint you but if you don't take risks you will never know what you missed.

5) Do you believe that there are
certain circumstances where cheating
is ok?
:: No, there is never a good reason to cheat, everything that you can think of is an excuse, not a reason.

6) Would you ever take someone back if
they cheated on you?
:: I don't need to worry about this question, but no. And it should work both ways.

7) Have you talked about marriage with
another person?
:: Yes, I don't have commitment issues anymore. Aha!

8) Do you want children?
:: I really do.

9) How many?
:: Football team or better yet a whole farmhouse. I ain't no gumball machine but I do know I sound like one.

10) Would you consider adoption?
:: Yes, why not.

13) Do you want someone you can't
have?
:: No, but I probably did when I was 11 and I saw the Moffatts playing on tv. You remember that too, don't ya. Ahh, puberty sucks.

14) Do you believe love at first sight
exists?
:: No, not at all. Even though you can fall for someone fast, love does take time to grow. Time, energy and effort; and when all three are present, that's the real thing right there, you'll know it.

15) Do you believe in celebrating
anniversaries?
:: Yes I do because love should be celebrated.

16) Do you believe that you can change
for someone?
:: No, not at all and I don't think that people should change for others. But I do believe that a person can change because of an influence from another person.

17) If you could get married anywhere,
money's not an object, where would it
be?
:: Ah I would want to be married right here because everyone I love lives here, but if I could fly all of them to Bali at the beachside that would be nice too.

18) Do you have feelings for someone
right now?
:: Yes, very much so.

19) Have you ever wished you could
have someone but you couldn't?
:: Refer to the Moffatts phase and how could I forget the Home Improvement phase? Aha

20) Have you ever broken a heart?
:: Unfortunately yes, and apparently I also cast spells (lol, Payal!! Remember?)

21) Would you ever fight somebody over
your boyfriend/girlfriend?
:: Even though I don't believe in violence, love is worth fighting for no? If there is injustice, I will find you and hunt you down.

22) What would you say about your ex?
:: I'd say wish you all the best.

Stick a fork in me, I'm done

2007-06-19T01:19:00.000+08:00

So today, was quite a day.

I woke up at 9am and realized I had a presentation in an hour (but I'm superman and I always manage to reach on time). Punchline is, we didn't get to our turn and I am running out of formal wear for these occasions. I wore white today and we all know that the sun was merciless today. Picture that.

Once back home away from the chaos of college, I entered a brand new hurricane; one that I had not experienced in awhile. I opened the door of my home to be greeted by four 12-year-old boys. My ears are still ringing (because this is what silence sounds like). I then proceeded to spend an entire afternoon with the little people. My brother appointed me director (camera holder) to film a movie for history class. I was Hitler of the day; I was a total tyrant and I used threats excessively. It worked though. What they say is true; power can be scary. Boo.

The evening was spent hiding in my room from the remaining noise.

But the best news is still someone being in the same country as me.
Can you say WHEEEEE?

Somebody dare me to stop smiling.

God Only Knows

2007-06-17T00:26:00.000+08:00

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me
God only knows what I'd be without you

God only knows what I'd be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on, believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would livin' do me

God only knows what I'd be without you

This is dedicated to you. My love.

Fiercely

2007-06-16T23:08:00.000+08:00

Imagine the irony when...

You're thinking about a presentation but then a few hours later you realize that these things are trivial when it comes to your health, your relationships, your priorites...your passion.

We spend so much of time worrying about stupid things, about tiny chores that don't even matter in the long run and we forget all the pretty things right in front of us. Your other half, your best friends, your parents, your dog,and so on.

At the end of a long day, you come home and you yell at the people who ask you how your day was, or you sulk away in a corner because things didn't go your way.

Ah yes, cliche my little speech is, and yes, you have heard it before. But please, don't wait for the last minute to tell everyone you love them or you'll be kicking yourself later. Don't just tell them. Show them. Give out hugs, they're FREE! Give all your kisses away, don't be stingy. Don't sulk too long, that person could get tired of waiting. Communicate!! Nobody can READ your mind. Spend your money. Shut up and do it. Don't tell me you're saving up for a flimsy dress that gives you actual cleavage. That's bullshit, I don't want to hear that. When are you going to wear the damn dress? Prom? That's a million years away. Screw that, buy an ice-cream cone and eat that instead! Whatever rocks your boat.
Accept the things you can't change. Please. Just do that. Remind me to do the same when I forget.

My love for you is nothing to brag about but I want you to know that I do.
I love you fiercely and deeply, don't forget that.

I will take care of myself because I ask the same from you.
Find that one thing that makes you happy, that's all it takes.
I am luckier, I found someone that makes me full of glee.

-Gleeful Mil-

It Can Burn

2007-06-11T16:30:00.000+08:00

Aloha.

It is going to rain soon and my selfish bed calls to me again. The moron won't leave me alone. Excuse the swearing, I'm not so chirpy today. I just got rejected twice in the span of three days. I ain't talking about people, I'm talking about the mean, big, ugly thing called UNI. Universities, college, money-sucking institutes, yes that's the one. Safe to say I am not leaving in July, so back-up plan has gone down the drain.

If I may start at the beginning, my original plan was to apply for Curtin, Perth for the February 2008 intake, but while in the midst of applying, I thought I could send in an application for Murdoch, Perth as well for the July 2007 intake. In one day, my world tipped over a bit, because I was full of What If's? What if I actually get accepted into Murdoch? July. That's like, less than two months (at that time). In fact, I was reassured, even, that I would not have a problem getting in even though not all of my subjects met the grade requirements. However, it turned out to be exactly that. My grades were the problem. I didn't think I'd be very affected, but it's a bit scary to be turned down. The brain get's a little schizophrenic and you start to wonder if anybody will take you in (even though you're paying them a trillion dollars for one measly degree that doesn't even guarantee you one measly job because apparently now they look for "experience" too).

Excuse the bitterness, but it's not very hard to be pessimistic about the whole college thing. There are no guarantees, people, we're all just taking a risk here. But don't worry, we're all in this together (if that doesn't make you feel any better, I apologize if I depressed you to no end and you burst out crying while you think about the uncertain future that lies ahead of you).

BUT, having said all that, we should all just be inifinitely grateful that we even have the opportunity to get a tertiary education. Let's take a moment shall we?

Moving on to the generality that is life, I am done with my Music Exams and it feels really weird not to be worrying about thrills and semiquavers. After it was over,I couldn't believe it actually was completely over. I felt like I had spent a few years trying to perfect my Bach and Scarlatti, instead of just a couple of rushed, panicked months of practicing. However (there's always one in my stories), Miss Ellen has agreed to let me continue with her and I shall be learning more classical music( all the pretty little things I just love- Beethoven, Debussy, Ravel etc) under her wing until I leave.

Also, Mom's party was just perfect despite the awful, last-minute planning that went on. She had absolutely no friggin' idea, and that is why it was just lovely. I have a video and the expression is absolutely priceless. Plus, everyone seemed to really enjoy themselves and I'm afraid Mom's 40th is going to be the talk of the town for awhile. This makes me very uncomfortable. Sindhi limelights are the worst. Oh well.

A piece of advice for anyone feeling stale with life. Do something new or do something you haven't done in a long time. Here are a few suggestions. Trust me on this, it makes you see things in a different light and that is always nice, no?

1. If you drive everywhere, try not driving for a whole day (or, if not possible; try a couple of hours) and commute using public transport or your own two feet. Yes, walk my dearies, it is fun, no matter what kind of lungs you have. Makes you feel younger, or if not, then much lighter.

2. If you have not watched a movie in a long time, or read a book (or have not had entertainment, basically) do just that. If possible, pick something that you have not seen or read before. Some things can inspire.

3. Try cooking. Anything. Like Payal said, it can feel like an accomplishment (I would not friggin' know I suppose).

4. Walk around a mall and people watch OR sit in Starbucks and people watch. It makes you wonder.

5. Spend a significant amount of time singing your favourite songs. Makes you fly. Like really really high.

6. Clean your room. Seriously. Throw all the junk you hoard, and I mean ALL. Makes you fly too.

7. When eating out, pick someplace new or someplace that you have always wanted to try but just couldn't because you just have to eat at McDonald's or Burger King again. This one really works too.

8. For one whole day, try not to plan ahead. I know some of you really can't do this, but just make an attempt. Just see what happens.

9. Go to Toys R Us and buy the small bottle of bubbles they have and blow away. Bubbles are so silly but so pretty, no? Makes you feel young (boy, do we need that).

10. If you have not dressed up in awhile, or have not worn something that you know makes you look good, do it. Makes you feel like Austin Powers. Or er...whoever.

You have probably seen almost all, or all of the above in a magazine or even tried it out yourself, but maybe you haven't tried it because I can see you look at me so full of skepticism. But do it. Even if you already have.

Much love to everyone.

-4 more weeks-

On Being Personal

2007-06-05T00:16:00.000+08:00

Yellow.

June is here and I know I've probably said this a million times, but boy did time fly faster than I thought it would. Two things my little ones:

1. Short post alert as I don't want to get up caught up in writing; I have to keep practicing for my PIANO EXAMINATION on the 6th of June, Wednesday.
a. Friday is the big day- Dad has chosen to throw a surprise party for Mom's 40th and I don't think she has a clue. Don't we love surprises! (I do, I do! =D)
b. This semester is lovely for one reason only- I don't have to take any psych subjects.
c. I want to write more (I always put this one down).
d. I have so much to say (Don't we all?).

2. I realize that I barely talk about how much I appreciate my family here. If anything, there have been more complaints than anything positive. I just want to say that I love them to bits and I am absolutely dreading leaving them for a new life. I want and need them to know that. I love you Mom, I love you Dad, I love you bro. Much love to the rest of the family too.
a. I believe there is one reason I have been afraid/shy to talk about family. I shy away from being too personal sometimes but reading previous posts have made me realize that I have already looked past that and if I can be personal about my love for everyone else, I can do the same with my family.
b. I think I'm also afraid that I would cry my eyes out if I started to talk about how grateful I am to have parents like mine.

See, lump in throat already.
Sob.

On a lighter note then shall we? I shall see you soon.
Promise.

Leaving the Nest

2007-05-22T23:12:00.000+08:00

It stood out, almost proud but too bitter to be.
It sat, almost gently, next to her eye.
Eyelashes look pretty with tears glinting at the tips.
But hearts break when there are tears.
Tears come relentlessly when there is heart break.

Fear is in the unkown.
Fear is leaving all that is familiar and warm.
All that is comfort, all that is so easy.

When one is young, one wants to be older.
When one is finally older,
the only thing that the heart desires,
is to be young again.

But there is still time,
to make memories,
to hang some pictures on new walls,
and life goes on.

to Dan the (Wo)Man

2007-05-20T14:25:00.000+08:00

This post is a "tribute" to Daniel Yee who 'needs to know what is happening in KL'.
Dannyboy, it's not much but here's what's been going on.

1. Bangsar is dying. Slowly (and painfully) but surely, less people head to Telawi streets these days with the exception of two kinds- a. the people who live in that area and b. those who still can't get enough of Nirvana's and the general Bangsar atmosphere.

2. Bangsar is boring without the right people. (WARNING- emotional crap up ahead)
Going to Bangsar these days ain't the same without you guys (you know who you are).

3. HELP is definitely a hellhole now. This is true for several reasons, let me elaborate.
a. Good lecturers are leaving, and by this I mean Sir Hopkins. He's gone and we don't know how to fill his shoes. Gah. Another good reason to abhor Help- Ms. Winniee ain't teaching Intro to Research Methods no more, some dude has taken over that class. What has the world come to!?

b. All the best Helpers have gone south. (Again- WARNING) Yea, college sucks without the right people. Trust me on this, all the wrong people have taken over (picture the new intakes- I shall say no more).

c. About 2 months ago, they closed off the smoking area. Of course that doesn't stop us from hopping over the chain link and sitting there anyway, but c'mon! You can't close off such places and not expect us to make noise. Doofus.

d. HP Towers might be closing soon- this is not a definite yet but the lady told me that the rents are getting higher and they might move somewhere else. Suck on that.

4. I don't know if this has any relevance but, they closed down Oasis- that little bar-type place near the Bangsar LRT station (it's also right next to the road that leads to Bangsar Heights =D ). They did open up a new place in it's spot but I have yet to check it out.

5. There's been loads of artists/ musicians coming in but who do I go with to watch em play?

6. After writing this out, I realize that I just sound whiny because I miss everyone that's away. Gah. Well there you go Dan, I'll whine again later with more news.

7. But yes, I still miss Vivek the most. Nyahahahaha. Derr.

8. Oh yes, I forgot, they opened up the 2nd phase of Bangsar Village but it totally sucks balls because it's like the Bangsar version of KLCC. I went there with Payal the other day and we just stared wistfully at things we couldn't afford. I do the same thing in KLCC. So now you can do the same at Bangsar Village, no need to go so far for that!

9. Another thing, the assholes at Midvalley hiked up the parking price so it is no more RM1 per entry minus any extra charge.

10. Gosh, doesn't KL sound swell?

Violence

2007-05-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

I remember a time when there was yelling.
Nothing but yelling.
Shoving, kicking and punching.
Anything around you, the walls.

Such anger in your eyes,
such hatred in your body.
Such ignorance in your heart,
such ferocity in your sneer.

Your hand poised high,
poised to come into contact,
with another person,
a living, breathing person.

The sounds of a brawl,
the coming of a war,
the snarls of an animal,
I heard your voice from the other end.

Then you see me here,
with tears in my eyes,
your hand lowers,
you stare ashamedly at the ground.

Sticks clatter to the ground,
I stare at you.
Your eyes they plead,
but I have to go.

I walk away.
You made me do it.

The Other Kind of Bliss

2007-05-09T16:22:00.000+08:00

Songs I sink into these days.

1. Kuch Is Tarah -Atif Aslam
2. Los Angeles, I'm Yours -The Decemberists
3. Closer -Travis
4. I'll Be Seeing You -Billie Holiday
5. God Only Knows -Beach Boys
6. I Want You to Know -Chantal Kreviazuk
7. Kissing in the Rain -Tori Amos
8. Never Let Go -Bryan Adams
9. Who Am I -Will Young
10. Tera Surroor(remix) -Himesh Reshamiya

What do you like?

Cold

2007-05-09T16:12:00.000+08:00

Cold like the ice in my fridge,
you prick me with nimble words.
Ah but what is cold without hot,
for we would not know hot without cold.

Tell me what is love,
without these storms,
But a few glimpses,
of our pretty sky.

But show me how,
please show me how,
how do I eliminate all the cold,
without getting rid of this heat.

But please be gentle with the cold,
alas you were not,
for it stings without
the usual warmth.

I Copycat Ming (take Mil's test)

2007-05-09T01:29:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

Straight from the Unqualified Lady

2007-04-20T22:01:00.000+08:00

It's a Friday night and the Sadhwani family has just finished dinner. Ms. Sadhwani finishes the last of her rice and is already plotting her escape to the sweet refuge of her room. She smiles as she thinks of a couple of hours in cyberspace with her babes. Mrs. Sadhwani reads her mind and looks at her with her own wicked smile. She then innocently says the following sentence,

"Milan, I'm baking a cake tomorrow so you have to help me prepare the ingredients."

Ms. Sadhwani bursts out laughing, figuring, that had to be a joke. How do you prepare to make a cake? Is there some kind of special exercise involved? Do you have to chant a few mantras before you bake a cake? (To the higher powers, may this cake come out edible and almost as delicious as the ones in Chili's.) Ms. Sadhwani envisioned a troop of middle-aged wives chanting this particular mantra in unison while wearing pink aprons and waving about spatulas and starts laughing again. This earns her a glare from Mrs. Sadhwani and she hurriedly shuts up and says,

"Prepare the ingredients? What are you going to get me to do?"

Mrs. Sadhwani smiles again (in a very evil manner) and tells her hallucinating daughter to just be in the kitchen in 15minutes. Ms. Sadhwani nods her head and nervously waits the verdict.

15 minutes go by.

Ms. Sadhwani reluctantly drags her feet to the kitchen. She is greeted by several big bowls and a giant book that reads "Food for your Soul". Her heart thuds in her chest and she is already imagining the worse. What will it be this time? Mrs. Sadhwani is standing by the counter and she hears Ms. Sadhwani come in. She turns around to look at her and turns back to peruse the book. Ms. Sadhwani studies her mother and concludes that she looks distracted. She feels hope rising; maybe, just maybe, Mrs. Sadhwani has forgotten that she had asked her to help with the preparation. Ms. Sadhwani turns to escape but is stopped by her mother's voice,

"Ok, now that you're here, you can help me by chopping these walnuts."

Ms. Sadhwani closes her eyes and counts to 10. Walnut chopping can't be as bad as tauge-cleaning.

Another 15 minutes pass by.

It is not as bad. It's worse.

Lesson learnt- Never give Ms. Sadhwani a knife when she is pissed about the complexities of preparing ingredients. She will wave it in your face and scare the crap out of you.

p/s- This part is fictionalized, I did not, in fact, wave any knife in anyone's face.
Really.

You Should Know

2007-04-18T22:49:00.000+08:00

Ola, it's been awhile (yet again).

Some things you should know.

1. If you don't know who Leo Buscaglia is, find out and read just a few pages of his books. You'll be astounded.

2. If you want to be demoralized and get your self-esteem to take a skydive, come sit in the car with my grandma, she's got a PhD in this.

3. I am prepared to face the consequences of failing all my subjects this semester, don't worry, it's all good.

4. Holidays have started and they are too long for my liking.

5. It's already April but I can still remember what January felt like.

6. I am thinking of ways to make time fly faster. I am open to suggestions.

7. If the MPO is appealing to you, please let me know.

8. I wrote a really private poem-sort-of-thing yesterday, and I am contemplating on whether I should post it up here or just leave it in my drawer.

9. I am reading very interesting poems by a someone called C.K. Williams.

10. My favourite lecturer at Help University College is leaving and I am in denial about it. Damn those defense mechanisms.

11. I want to write more but everything I say comes out stale.

My Parade

2007-03-31T01:33:00.000+08:00

So the days are passing me by. Literally. Today is Friday, generally supposed to be exciting as it is the day before Saturday. So let me tell you about the exciting part of my day.

When I got home, nobody was there yet.
Mil: Sweet...the house is mine.
20 minutes later as I was settling in with a Hindi movie (they're the best comfort, I tell ya)...
Mom: I'm back!
Mil: Ah crap.

1 hour later, after the many many interruptions (I didn't even get to cry properly at the part in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai where the little girl has to give a speech about mothers) I endured from my entire family...
Mom: Mil, tomorrow's the function.
Mil: Yes Ma, I know.
Mom: So, what are you going to wear?
Mil: *points to her t-shirt and shorts*
Mom: *gives Mil the look of Death*
Mil: *hides under blanket*
Mom: Mil, go try on those Indian outfits granny sent you. I want a fashion show after I eat.
Mil: Ah, crap.

And so it began. There were about 9 outfits to get in and get out off and trust me, it was no easy feat. It was hot, for starters and the fact that I wasn't feeling very "fashioney" did not help. But then again, when am I ever feeling fashioney?

The two hours after 9.30p.m. were spent "modelling" for Mommy. It went like this:
Mil: *goes in room, puts on an outfit (that took about 10minutes by itself) and trudges out to the tv lounge to show Mom*
Mom: Oooo, maybe you should wear this tomorrow night
Mil: Mom, you said that about the other 3 outfits I tried on. Just pick one and tell me what to wear.
Mom: Ok, this one.
Ok, no! The one with the pearls! You look so grown-up.
Mil: Mom, I am grown-up.
Mom: You don't look it.
Mil: Thanks Mom.
Mom: No, you do, but only when you're all dressed up.
Mil: *ponders for a bit but realises that's not true either*
Mom: Let's get a second opinion. Pa? Pa! Come out here! Look at Mil!
Dad: *drags himself away from Freecell and comes to look at his daughter (who, by now, is clenching her teeth together in not-so-mock anger)*
Dad: *nods slowly* Nice. *runs back to Freecell*
Mil: He said that the last three times you asked him, Ma. That's no second opinion.
Mom: I think we should go with the pink one.
Mil: Ok.
Mom: But try on the rest of the outfits so we know what they look like.
Mil: *surpresses the urge to tear all her hair out*
Ah, crap.

I Got You Covered

2007-03-05T21:10:00.000+08:00

Hello all.

I feel British. Ahahaha! It's been a nice day, not bad, boleh tahan.
For awhile there, since last week, I was holed up in my lair, only socializing through the cyber world.
Today finally feels somewhat normal. Not that normal is always good, because, let's face it, the best of us are hardly paradigms of normalcy. Nyah.

I feel ever so grateful to have people around me, I must say thank you. You know who you are. Even if I don't see you on a regular basis, thank you for being in my life.
A special thank you to the person whom I most want to see but can only do so on a delayed-reaction webcam. Thank you for letting me in. I really like it here and I want to stay for a long, long time.

I know I'm not exactly reliable (especially when it comes to time- me and that Freak don't exactly get along, what with her going so slow when I want her to go fast), I am usually late and I am horrible at returning calls and smses. You must know that it's not because I don't like you or want to piss you off. I'm just a highly irresponsible individual. Ask anyone.

But I want to know I got you covered. Anybody who cares enough to read this space is someone I care deeply about. So, don't hesitate, I'm here. Best part of me is, I'm so weird that you just can't freak me out. Well, you can (especially if you're underage, related to me and planning to do special things with/ to the opposite sex) but in all probability, I wouldn't judge you. Why should I anyway. I don't see the point.

Moving on...

1. I've developed a severe need to have music on wherever I am (too bad I don't have an Ipod) and it's even worse than before. Maybe it's because I get really strong urges to sing all the time now. Perhaps it is my way of expressing emotions that don't know how to get out. Nothing negative, don't worry.

2. Parent-teacher meeting is this Saturday and I am so not in the mood for this. Give me a break, people, we're college students. Do we really have to play this round anymore? Frustrating, it is. What's more frustrating is the fact that mom insists on going. I know I just called myself irresponsible, but my mom does not need to find that out. Besides, she already knows it. Why go to college to hear it from my lecturers (who, by the way are pretty useless this semester).

3. The post office is about to become my regular hang-out. Haha. Get it get it?

4. Sushi belts are so cool, seriously. I am in awe. Wee. (I don't know if they're called sushi belts, but well, they're sushi and they're on a conveyer belt, so I just put two and two together)

5. I didn't know I was addicted to Friends until last night. It hit me and I saw the light. It could be worse, I could be addicted to porn. I'm not, by the way. Not even a little bit.

6. I sang along to Save Tonight without even feeling sad today. There is progress. If you don't know what I'm talking about, take a listen to it and you'll know.

7. Nevertheless, you are missed.

8. Jack Shall Have Jill by Juliette Mead was quite brilliant. I enjoyed it. Full of nostalgia and things I could relate to. Eternal triangles, but in circles. Here is a quote from the book:

"There is nothing wrong with prolonging the agony when the agony holds some
faint vestige of hope."
-Juliette Mead from Jack Shall Have Jill

Come Back

2007-02-22T18:48:00.000+08:00

I can wait, I don't have a problem with waiting. Ask me to sit at a bus-stop with nothing but my shoelaces to play with and I won't hate you. I might be slightly worried about you, but that's about it.
But I don't see the point. If I'm not needed, I'll leave, really. I don't want to intrude in your life, because, really, who am I to do that?
Yea, I'll be crushed, but so what. I'll deal. Maybe I won't, but I'll find a way. Don't you worry about me so much. Hey, you know what? Whatever makes you happy, whatever rocks your boat, whatever gets you up. If I can't give you your ya-ya's then, please don't ask me to stay.

Forgive me if I sound bitter, I'm not being bitter, I just want you to know.
Love is not for the weak-hearted but I can hardly call myself strong.
I don't mean any harm by saying all this, but I must say it, must speak now or forever hold my peace. Besides, I've never been able to hide from you. Run, perhaps. But I always come back. I hope you will too.

Where did you go? I miss you so. It seems like forever, since you've been gone.

Small thing

2007-02-19T03:57:00.000+08:00

Hello all. The little man ain't sleepin' yet and it's 3.58am. Before I get any yelling, let me just say that I had more than enough sleep today, so I think it's justifiable that I'm still cheerfully awake. Well, I don't know how cheerful, seeing as I'm alone in my room and I can't test out my cheerfulness, but you get it.

About the whole Valentines Day being overrated thing, enough is enough. Yes, everybody knows that items are ridiculously overpriced and fancy restaurants become a no-no for those with hole in their pockets, but so what?
So you wanna pamper the one you love, so what? Let them do it, for Pete's sake. I don't condone buying things to show your love, but it doesn't kill you either. Yes, it's the thought that counts, of course it is, but admit it already. A tiny part of you rejoices at the mere thought of going somewhere expensive for dinner. A small part of your being yearns to get beautiful flowers from your special someone. And why the hell not? It's nice. I'm not going to pretend that I don't like it.

Yes, of course these things shouldn't only occur on Valentines Day, I get that too, but if it does, so be it.

It's easier said than done to wave away the luxuries, it's another thing to not stare wistfully at it. Let me tell you something. I spent a good portion of my life without it. And I'm absolutely fine. But when I was able to experience it, I liked it. I liked being pampered. I liked being spoilt silly .
Call it whatever you like: materialistic, gold-digger etc. I'm not saying that I expect it all the time, or if it doesn't happen, I'll be absolutely crushed. I'm just saying I find it really nice. So spending a ludicrous amount of money on Valentines Day (or any regular day) ain't no sin to me.

Having said that, these are the small, teeny things in life that make almost no difference. If I had a lover who took me out to a fancy dinner but couldn't even be there for me when I needed him, then I'd be crushed. Those are the big things in life. Okay, people?

Go indulge and list all the lovely small things you like.
Wee.

Montage

2007-02-17T23:25:00.000+08:00

Heya.
I've been in a daze the whole day. Don't worry, nothing bad happened. It's just that I slept at 7 and got up about four hours later.

This is my first post from the brand-new, shiny, pretty Acer laptop. I am liking it very much. I've pretty much been glued to the screen and locked in my room. It feels unhealthy though. Ack. And it's only been two days. Anyway, the only thing I don't like about this rectangle-shaped wonder is the fact that its' sound quality sucks. When I say sucks, I actually mean...sucks big time. All my awesome songs sound like the bands are playing live but with really bad feedback and horrible speakers. Oh, and no audience.
Oh well, I'll deal.

You get two guesses for the other reason I can't get enough of this baby. It's pretty much the best way for me to communicate with my favourite one. You were supposed to guess, eh.

Why have I been in a daze. I've been thinking too much. If I didn't tell you this before, let me tell you again. Thinking gets you nowhere. Nofreakin'where. If you were to ask me what exactly it is that I've been thinking about, I wouldn't be able to answer you.
You know how it is when you're right about to fall asleep, and it's like you're seeing a montage of pictures; like a dream that's on fast forward? Kinda like that. Except I'm not even sure what I'm looking at.

Perhaps I need sleep. I woke up today with what felt like one bitch of a hangover. Here's the catch; I didn't drink last night.
Nyahaha.

I'm such a funny little man.

Happy Hundreth

2007-02-15T18:38:00.000+08:00

Yes. It is my 100th post and it will be like any other post. We'll see at the end.

Note to everybody- (a little late, sorry) I got my 012 number back so please call/sms your number to me if you haven't already. All your numbers are gone. GONE! So if you intend to continue keeping in contact (I don't see why not!), please contact me, thanks.

Here is some fantastical news- I just got my laptop. Wee. You will see me online in the twilight hours of the night. You have been warned. I will bug you if the need arises. You have been warned.

I had a presentation for Pubic Speaking yesterday (I can see you cracking up Syar), it was Informative Speech, so thank the heavens I didn't have to crap of the top of my head. But I still screwed it up (of course you would!); I went too fast and read too much from my 'script'. But in all fairness, there was alot of legal aspects in my speech and you know how complex those clauses are. I chose Sexual Discrimination at the Workplace and I had to mention the Equal Pay Act! Had. To. Well, I had major fun researching for the topic (no, I am not being sarcastic). Susan Faludi is my new heroine. Read her book called Backlash, you will be disgusted with the American Government. And men. But tell me, who isn't disgusted by men. (I can hear you yelling 'Sexist pig!' and 'Man-hater!' but I really don't care). I love one man so he ain't counted. Only sometimes. Nyahaha. I'm kidding. (That's cause he's my little boy). (I can hear cries of "paedophile!" now).

Anyway, I am getting new glasses in two weeks and I looke like the Supreme Overlord King of all Nerds so I love them. So did Mom but she's just happy that nobody's going to want to boink me anymore. Works for me just fine. I hope you know what I meant by boink. If you didn't, come spend 2 hours with me, you'll be an expert on the topic. (No I am not offering to boink you,emotional clove writer, I will just tell you dirty jokes is all).

Should I be doing some kind of special flashback thing because it's my 100th post?
Better yet, I shall tell you what I've been nostalgic about. You wouldn't believe it:

School.

Yea, that's right. In some ways, I am still mourning over the fact that I never really bothered to make the effort to fit in. That too for stupid reasons. Those who went to high school with me will know (all too well). I am aware that I've made this abundantly clear but the nostalgia has been hitting hard (it does that sometimes) these past few days. I see my brother go to school and I wish I was him (except that I would not have chosen to go to an international school). Life was so wonderfully simple, it was me who made it obnoxiously complicated. I blame Evanescence sometimes (have you read their lyrics, I mean, geez woman, stop with the self-pity already!). But no, all jokes aside, I am the only person to blame for it. That's probably why I love college now (at most times, despite the fact that I dislike my major) and I want to enjoy every minute of it because this time next year I'll be in...

Perth.

In some ways, I can't wait. In another way, I don't want to leave home. I don't know what I'll do without everything and everyone here.

(To my dear- I am so happy because I know you'll be there to make it easier for me. Thank you for considering me in your future, it means alot to me).

So, to all the people that I love, help me enjoy my last year here. I'll pay you if you don't do it willingly. Hah. You wish. Well, I want to see everybody as much as possible, if it's not too much to ask for.

Hint- If you take me to a bookstore, I will never forget you. Or Toys R Us (I've recently developed a strange attachment to that place; especially with the stuffed dogs).

I'm kidding, take me anywhere and spend time with me. I'm easy to please.

I'm off, cheers!
Here's to a hundred more. (OH NO!)

Bring It On Moron

2007-02-02T19:52:00.000+08:00

I doubt anything else could go wrong these days, this explains why I'm unusually chirpy. *Cheep cheep*

Hi all, it's been awhile (breaks into song of same name-you know the one by Staind, or was it Staid?).

Here is the most recent update.

My handbag (other right hand, after Payal, of course) was stolen today.

Here's the catch.

It's my bloody fault. Ahhh, confession is good. Try it. Yea it truly is my fault. Long story short, I left my precious unattended for about (maximum) 15 minutes (SCREAM: MILAN WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!) and when I came back.......

It was gone.
(Well, really, how did you think that sentence would have ended?)

Here's another catch. It's more like a lump in the throat, voice-catch kinda thing.

I'm in denial about this whole freakin' thing.
And I'm not talking about the handbag.

I have been positively ignoring the fact that Monday is coming.
I am SO good at this. Maybe I should have a class.
KIDS COME LEARN THE ART OF DENIAL!

I bet I'd make millions. And I really need that kind of money (yo, who doesn't?) because the fudger took all of it. Along with my pretty sunglasses. And Body Shop lip balm. Should I continue or you get the picture kiddos?

Something else is bothering me. Eating, eating and eating away at me. If you care, please wait til tomorrow when I get my 012 number back so you can call me and I can sob it out to you.
Nyahahaha.
Yes by the way I'll be reachable only by tomorrow. Sorry.
To Syar- sorry I bailed out on you.
To Payal- sorry I haven't seen you in awhile. I miss you.

To everybody else- Thanks for ...everything.

Emo. You would say.

It Helps Sometimes

2007-01-20T20:24:00.000+08:00

This post is dedicated to all the people leaving for overseas to further their studies.

You're leaving me assholes.
Kidding kidding.
To Daniel Yee, Goh Huay Ming and Vivek Joshi (sniffle), wherever you go, whatever you end up doing (be it an actual job or drug trafficking *kidding again* NOT YOU MISTER VIVEK) remember that you had and have a tiny friend who will never forget you and will always be missing you. You have made an impact on my life and I can only hope that I made a splash in your pond. Or at least a ripple.
I love you, all of you (Vivek the most). Mwahahaha.

Dan,
If you remember, I met you through Ming and you were the ass/hero who taught me how to smoke. I can't decide which one. Haha kidding. Dan, I'll be sad to see you go, I really will. You have come to mean alot to me. Thank you for all the entertainment in class, in my car, the cigarette breaks and the long HP sessions. My car will miss you too. Mommy loves u! (that's not some weird incest thing, by the way, you sickos).

Ming,
Funnily enough, I met you through Navee, do you remember? Can you remember our stats classes with Mr. Krishna? We were the noisiest pair and there was only two of us! Haha, we still are, ei? I will miss hearing about your weird-ass dreams, your rambling on about everything (hehe, kidding kidding, we both do it, don't worry) and I will miss our antics- skipping class to go to Chillies! Hehe. We had some really good times, girly and I hope we can all meet up in Aussie soon enough. Love you ming! Ba-da-boom. (Yes, we are crazy, but proud of it ei?)

And finally...last but not in the bit least...

Vivek,
My dear. What can I say to you? We've only known each other for almost 5 months but it feels like decades and decades, it really does. You've become a best friend to me dear. You really are my better half. You've made my life a million shades brighter and I know it's only going to get better from here. I will miss you like crazy and there will be many times in the months to come I will want nothing more but to run to Perth but I want to assure you that you don't have to worry about me. I will be okay, and I know you will be too. You better be *stern face*. Together we'll make this work and we shall reunite next year. I absolutely can't wait dear.
I love you to the moon.

Collectively, I want to say...
Thank you,
for letting me in your life, for regarding me as a friend and for all the good times.

Sorry,
if and when I have hurt you, either intentionally, or unintentionally, with my words or my actions; I hope you have found it in your hearts to forgive me.

Mil loves you.

Sprawl

2007-01-16T23:51:00.000+08:00

The storm has passed. Let's all take a moment to utter words of gratitude.
*Moment*
*Moment over*

By storm I mean the first two days of my little friends' visit. I have exhausted all names for this damn thing. But boy, what a storm that was! I was obscenely emotional on the first day and inexplicably cranky the next, more than usual for some reason. I don't know, maybe my hormones realized it was January and decided to start the new year off with a bang. Or rather, sudden outbursts of tears and tantrums.
On Sunday (the first day), I took bro to watch Eragon (finally, he's been waiting for a whole month!) and we tried to make it for the 4.15pm show at Midvalley, but well, no one got ready on time. So we tagged along with Dad to Pyramid (he had some crap to do) and got tickets for the 7pm show. Of course for some weird reason (I will always blame the hormones), retail therapy was suddenly not so stupid after all. I was possessed by a really foreign urge to go into every shop and drag my bro along as well. You should have seen him in Topshop, poor guy didn't know where to stand amongst the fashionable and hopelessly ripped off customers. I was not included in this crowd as I came out empty handed (thank God) and well I was never fashionable to begin with.
I did buy the new Fourplay CD and unfortunately didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. Oh well. If anyone would like to buy it from me, please tell me, it's brand new.

All said and done, I can't ignore the fact that we're already half-way through January and February looms very near. Nearer than I am comfortable with. And although I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings, I dread the coming of February in my dark and weak moments.

Simply because I can't let you go.

Watch out for these headlines:
CRAZY LADY STOPS NICE MAN FROM LEAVING FOR AN OVERSEAS FLIGHT.

mwahahahaha.

I'll be ok, really.

Must Stop the Spinning

2007-01-10T19:54:00.000+08:00

Yellow.
Head is whirling, twirling, tumbling, spinning. Hence the title. Wee.
Why is your head doing all of the above, you might ask.
I am anxious to do so many things that I'm thinking of them all at the same time and going out for some fresh air didn't help much (even though it's a really nice night out, all breezy and cooling) that I felt I must write it has never failed me. Wow, look, a full stop.
Well up til this point, it hasn't failed me. Writing I mean, not the full stops. Ok, still spinning.
Would a to-do list help?
Perhaps. I should try that.

Maybe it's not all the academic stuff that I have to do that's getting my head like this. Maybe it's that big decision I have to make by the end of tonight. I have a deadline too; tomorrow morning. I am not ready to talk about this big decision I have to make, but when I am , I will tell all. Perhaps I won't ever be ready, because seeing it in black and white always makes it scarier. And ten times more real.

I learnt a new word yesterday- diaphanous. It means delicate and semi-transparent. So I haven't been so unproductive, I have expanded my vocabulary! By one word, but still, better than nothing, ei? I hope I spelt it right. Har har. Har.

Well, cool fact, I'm taking Drama this semester and I'm really looking forward to reading all those plays, especially the Shakespearan ones. They sound fantastic. Of course reading alone won't get me the grade I'll have to read out loud (without the text) *insert gasps of horror here* and we all know what a friend Public Speaking is to me. Ah, you dog you. Coincidentally I am also taking Public Speaking this semester so either taking that class will help me with Drama, or Drama will help me in P.S. Or something like that. Today I suggested bringing in some vodka everytime we go in for P.S. to my right hand. I don't think she knew I was only half-kidding. She'd probably agree if I said tequila. Nyahahaha. Well Drama is certainly going to be intriguing. Will keep you posted. Of course I was still moaning about how this is my last ever elective and it isn't even Hopkins' class. Oh well. We always want more, ei?

Must go sort myself out, excuse me.
Take care dearies.

Bombshells and Changes

2007-01-05T22:25:00.001+08:00

Hello hello hello!

Happy new year everybody, it ain't gonna be easy, but nothing worth it ever is, but let there be no moments to miss, I'll give you a flying kiss, for good luck and for the times ahead, so get out of your bed, you're missing out, don't make me shout!...

Here's to the year 2007! Wee. Rhyming is fun, try it. My cousin Kashish who's only 7 puts me to shame, she would make one hell of a tiny Sindhi rapper. Beat that kids.

So I got back on the 29th and my comp was being a bitch but now it's all good. She got some lovin' from Alan boy. Think she really likes him, she keeps crashing, must be on purpose so she can see him. Down girl.

I missed KL by the end of my trip, it was absolutely fantastic to come back. I wonder how homesick I'll get in Aussie. Eek. Speaking of bombshells (and not the hot and blonde kind, sorry to disappoint), I received a major one recently, while I was in Hong Kong. To say that my life is changing at the speed of light would be an understatement. But we always bounce back and deal, ei?

The person I am currently joined at the hip with (Siamese twins, nyah!) is moving to Australia to further his studies in February. This is the bomb I was talking about (for some of you slow ones).In a way it was a good thing that I found out while being away from him, so it could give me time to absorb the shock, think about it and realize that everything will turn out fine. Because I'm not giving up what we have- and if he's on the same wavelength then that's the only thing that matters.

Loads to tell as usual but just wanted to say Hi. Hi!! College resumes on Monday and I got good grades this time for my fall semester. Was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it for Motivation but she gave me a C which is more than I deserve. Was really satisfied with results and I have Big Guy up there to thank for it.

*Big wave* Be back soon.

Honkified

2006-12-23T02:04:00.000+08:00

Here we are, yet again, at a loss for words. Futile promises to finish my story are fruitless indeed.

So much has happened since Wednesday but I'm glad it's all over. Really glad.
I have a new appreciation for the powers that may be. There is something up there, watching over us ungrateful fellas. Trust me on that.

How is Honky-town, you might ask? It is great, actually, thank you. I'm just a tiny bit afraid that I've adjusted to the dress codes so well. I have to say, I am totally honkified. Here is a checklist.

1. I have started carrying three different kinds of lip balm. Just in case.
2. I also keep stock of moisturiser.
3. I have a proper handbag now. Yes, begin the weeping.
4. I actually keep my legs crossed when sitting down.
5. I have boots that are sexy as hell but hurt like a bitch. My toes hate me now.
6. I bump into people regularly and manage to hold a decent conversation that only constitutes of small talk. But small talk is never decent, no?
7. I am starting to enjoy the way my bum freezes over when I take a seat outdoors.
8.I am starting to enjoy the way I freeze over when I am outdoors.
9.I am starting to enjoy the freeze.
10. I eat like a pig but still look like a horse. As far as my eyes can tell.

If you're smart then you'll figure out that the above crap was a way for me to chunk away at what I'm actually feeling.
If you're smart then you'll figure out that I don't know what I'm feeling.

Perhaps the best word is lost.
Us KL people call ourselves city people, but we're not even close. People here are truly hustling their lives away. All I see are rich people hurrying from one place to another.
I can't lie, I love the atmosphere here and the glamour of all the high-end life. I am being treated well because I'm lucky to live with people who can afford it.
But their lives make me sad. Inexplicably sad. Sometimes when I watch them, a small part of me withers and dies, a miniscule portion of my soul becomes hollow and empty. But then I remember that my life is nothing like that, and I hope that it won't ever be like that.
They have everything. Fast car, check. Beautiful house, check. Wads and wads of money, check. Shiny gadgets, check. Expensive handbags, check. Even more expensive wife, check. Bratty children, check.

But they don't have time.
Today I heard the saddest thing.
" I have lived in Hong Kong for more than 20 years, and not once have I taken a walk on the harbour. "
The harbour is basically the jetty, where you can see the skyline and get the whole fantastic view. And a man I know has never gotten a proper glimpse of this because he just can't get away from his job.
This man I know has never gotten a proper glimpse at his family either.

Kids, whatever you do, be good parents. Don't screw your child up. There are ripple effects. The whole world gets hurt.

I'll be back to normal tomorrow. I'm done preaching for today. Actually, I'm not, but it's not the same without my loyal audience.

I got cool souvenirs though! For ALL of you!

p/s- I will read this post next week and wonder why I sounded so emo. Then I will cover my face with my hands and remember that I actually have a choice of posting this up. Then I will groan out loud when I realize that I willingly decided to put this emo piece up.
But I'm trying not to regret what I do.
All in all, this post can't be that embarassing.
Toodles. I'll bring Mil back tomorrow, promise.

I'll Be Back (Say it Arnold-style)

2006-12-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

Hello my little birdies. Tweet tweet.

Ah, allow me to curse for awhile.
Bloody comp won't bloody work and dumb pc guy won't come to our stupid house to fix this stupid comp and it all started when my moron brother decided to play this bloody gay game called bloody maple story.
Ah, thank you, sorry about that. By the way, the game's called Maple Story, not Bloody Maple Story, just in case anybody cares. Har har.
Few quick updates, let me breeze you through it!
Book book book sale was on fri-fri-fri day (just so you know, I'm singing this) and it was a-a-amazing. I need a new book shelf. I also need money. Har har, yes I'm beyond broke. But satisfied. You will see me homeless one day but with a huge wheelbarrow filled to the brim with books. What an endearing sight, no? Then one day a Hollywood guy will meet me on the streets (which will then be my home) and offer to make my life into a movie.
And I shall dream on. Just trying to romanticise my blog. Work with me people!
Long awaited reunion on Saturday and it was better than the book sale. (Really).
Non-stop shopping for Hong Kong trip, in 12 hours from now, I will already be at the airport. Eesh, not really looking forward to it, but it will be absolutely lovely to see my grandparents again. (Cue here for AWWWWW)
Went bra-shopping today and it was quite an experience. Funny and embarassing. Will decide if I want to tell my tale. Call me if you want to hear the embarassing bit, I am not entirely shameless. I think.
Will be back on the 29th, and will probably write in here tomorrow as my family in HK are techies already. They have wonderful broadband, which I plan to abuse to no end. Especially for movies. No, not porn you sickos. Movies with actual plots. Like Hindi movies. They have at least 10 different plots ei? Har har.

And finally, saving the best piece of news for the last. My parents finally know about my relationship with my boy.
And they're ok with it. I know they have a million reasons to be against it, and they could have stopped me (like I can be stopped har har) but they didn't. Mainly, they didn't want me to go behind their backs, but I think they have finally allowed me to grow up in their eyes.
One step at a time people. That's what it takes.

No more time to chit-chat. Must go clean hurricanised room.
See you in Hongky town?

(waits for the chorus of YES)

Thursday Afternoon

2006-12-14T15:37:00.001+08:00

Hello folks. My little friend has come to visit and I'm so grumpy. It's the hormones I tell you. I've said that before haven't I. I'm currently abusing my rights as a cousin and happily using Payal's laptop while she has to deal with old people downstairs. But it all worked out fine didn't it girly 'cos I was doing the same thing exactly a month ago. Yes dealing with old people while you stretched out like a queen on my bed. Hahaha. Tit for tat. But I hear mom calling.

Anyhoo, I leave for Hk in a week's time and I am sad to go. But I'm getting roaming (wee!) so we can still keep in contact. I'm still here. In spirit. MILAN IS CHEESY!

I'm coming back on the 29th, and am hoping I can escape the clutches of my dad for New Year's Eve. Now I have someone to spend it with. GRIN GRIN.

I don't wanna go downstairs. But I can hear Mom. In my head. Yesterday we went shopping in MV (mind you, my little friend just began visiting yesterday) and we went everywhere with big shopping bags. My feet! They couldn't bare it any longer!!
Just near this shop called Miss Whatever (OMG HOW ORIGINAL) I couldn't take it anymore. I said Mom, ENOUGH, please! She looked at me. Then she looked at all our bags (we had at least 5) and then she said what all Moms say..."But you need shoes."

ARGHH. Then I spied the bright light in my moment of darkness.....
BASKIN ROBBINS.
Oh, how she called to me. Maui Brownie Madness saw my pain and offered itself to me. He said,"come my child, you need nourishment." And I said, "make sure you appear in a cone or I'm not paying for your ass."
Oh my. Ice cream never tasted better. Then I got the only thing I actually liked- new sneakers wee. They're so manly.

WINK.
Yes yes I'm going. I love you all.

Don't Use Your Mechanisms On me

2006-12-13T22:26:00.000+08:00

I deleted my last post as it is not something I would usually write. God knows what possessed me to write it, perhaps it was a final resort to get my anger out. But there are better ways, and I am a better person than that.
Never mind my last post, God knows what possessed me to do many things I have done. But it happens.

What am I afraid of? Nothing. Not even you. Not anymore.
I forgot something very important. Nothing and no one can break me. And if you're actually trying to break me, then what does that say about you? Not much really.

I can see you there, in your sad place. And I can feel sad for you, I can even try and reach in to pull you out. But if you're still that same old sad little person, then there's no help for you.
I ain't perfect. But I'm not a liar. If there's one thing I can say about myself, it's that I know where and when I go wrong. And I am not afraid to admit it. And if anyone thinks otherwise, please do correct me. I welcome what you have to say, if you matter to me.

Tell me where I went wrong.

Bleh

2006-12-12T13:28:00.000+08:00

This is a word I use often. It is also a good word to describe these holidays.
Say it with me: BLEH.
My heart goes out to my dear- I hope you are ok and I am going to try and cheer you up through my posts. Har har?
Plenty of updating to do here, first things first- something I'm sure we all looked forward to-
PROM NIGHT.
And how was that? Not bad at all, my friends. Pretty damn good. I only wish I could have stayed longer to see everybody wasted and dancing like clowns. People cried, people laughed, people swayed( due to the excessive alcohol) and people err...blended with the shadows (my new name is Shadow I think, for a very good reason..you'll figure it out someday, kid.)

So I owe you a report of prom night, a report of my skit at IGYC, a report of my hol activites and many many book reviews. Hee hee, don't worry you can skip those.

Most exciting part of my day so far: I finally got some eye drops, my eyes have been itching like crazy and they look terribly swollen now, like I've been crying for about 4 hours non-stop. I haven't.

Don't feel bad for me though, it's only 2pm.
I might just get dishwash liquid and then you can get really excited.

Nervous Laughter

2006-12-08T14:43:00.000+08:00

HARR HARR!
Here is an update on the International Youth Geeta Conference (IYGC) that I mentioned in an earlier post. It is the very first, organized by the Geeta Ashram of Malaysia and it will start today(tonight, to be specific) and run til Sunday afternoon. There will be people from all over Asia attending this conference from countries like Singapore, Hong Kong, India etc. The theme is Answers to Life and is focused more on youths and how the Geeta can help with their uncertainties.
Here's a link for more information- http://www.hal-pc.org/~ganesh/klconf.html

Here's the best part- Payal and I were requested to do a little skit. So we did our little skit, still preparing. We just finished writing it out, and it's already Friday.

Here's a better part- Vaanavil might be covering this event which means that we might just be able to make a fool out of ourselves on national television. Oh my.
HAHAHAHAHA.

Here's the cherry on top of my cake- Mom walked in earlier and told me in the sweetest voice-
"Mil, I know you get very nervous in front of crowds, and there's going to be a huge crowd tonight, but don't worry, just do it like you did in September in the Ashram."

Hey mom, thanks for scaring the crap out of me.
I'm going to go giggle like a girl.
Oh My.
I need all the luck in the world people, bring it on. Say a prayer for me. Say a million.
Thanks.

I know, I know I should be more optimistic but it's the gigantic crowd.
All eyes on me.
I'll shrink. Tiny Mil will be Tinier Mil in no time!!
In I go to the washing machine. Har har.

p/s- PROM is tomorrow! Cannot wait. Wink. Slinkyyy

Serene

2006-12-04T19:24:00.000+08:00

Hello all!

Just wanted to say, I was exaggerating when I said I was traumatized, I was shocked yes, but I was just dramatizing myself. Hehe. Life goes on, eh?

It's been a rollercoaster for the past 5 days but I learnt alot and it was certainly an experience.
What did I do in these 5 days? Here's a cute little list. I love lists, don't you? But numbers do not turn me on, I repeat, do NOT. Do not give me math I will scream. Or run away. Both, probably.

1. Ate like a tanker or somebody who has never seen food in her life. Ate all kinds of junk too, my tummy must look like the pantry of Bullimic-Binge lady. Sorry sorry, bad joke. I am not judging you people, but food is NOT love! I will keep telling myself that.

2. Watched a few movies (refer to previous post for details)

3. Read and finished Misery by Stephen King and started on Sightings by Susan Trott. Misery was awesome.

4. Actually started my Lab Report for Human Motivation but the Lord only knows when I will complete it. I will. It'll kill me, but I will.

5. Went to the cinema (Gold Class, baby!) to watch Casino Royale and fell asleep almost immediately. Yes, only Mil could do that. You should have been there when I fell asleep in Madagascar at the Amcorp Cineplex. It was classic- and nobody saw because I put on my cap. Genius aren't I? I missed all the dance moves!

6. Played Speed with my brother- and won! Not much of a challenge, I told him this is the one game where you don't have to think, just put the damn cards down! Probably why I'm good at it. Har har.

7. Sang continuously in my car while driving places, because this is one of the places where I'm reminded most of someone special. I got the most wonderful glares (oh right, the windows were down).

8. Downloaded a whole bunch of sad songs, probably not the most wisest decision but they're all pretty songs and music always makes you feel good.

9. Went shopping for prom and got the most slinkiest dress I have ever laid eyes on. And I wonder if I'll have the guts to wear it or the confidence to pull it off. It is probably the least I will ever wear except to the beach. I promise pictures. Hint- it has no back. Seriously.

10. Spoke to Jacq and was wonderfully happy! Thanks Jacq for calling!

11. Went for about 4 mamak visits all by myself, just to get a coffee fix and ....ok ok the nicotine fix too.

12. Sorry to disappoint, but probably overdid it with the cigarettes, especially last week. Made up for it by hardly smoking during the weekend.

13. Attended both of my last classes- H.M. on Thursday and Interactive on Friday- proud to say I did not even leave early for Interactive, I stayed to the very end. Must say that Mr. W redeemed himself.

14. Started on the little skit that me and Payal have to do for the IYGC (International Youth Geetha Conference) on Friday, 8th December 2006. Will put up more details later.

15. After classes on Friday, I dropped a friend home in Pantai and got lost in a village; an actual village. I was disappointed because I did not see any cattle but saw satellite dishes instead.

16. After coming back to the village I like the most- Bangsar Village (har har- us city girls!) I went grocery shopping and bought three measly items- cereal, juice and Hungarian paprika which I found out that I had already bought. It's ok it gets better as I stepped into MPH and got seduced by all those self-help books. This was followed by a wonderfully greasy cheesy 'dog on a stick. I love those things.

17. I started to pray more, I'm not sure if this means anything.

18. I bonded with Dad, one of those rare moments where he was home the same time I was. Hee haw, like father, like daughter. If I had been a boy (and this is not denying the fact that I am half a man) I would look exactly like him because inside, we're so alike.

19. I actually played the piano, poor thing thought I forgot her. But I could never do that, precious. *Cackles to herself*.

So what would I like to do more now that I've had the time to sift out my 'real' interests?

1. Go grocery shopping again.
2. Read more. Period.
3. Play the piano more often than when the blue moon reappears.
4. If I want to read more, then I probably want to write more too.
5. Spend more time with family.
6. Watch more movies.

Bottomline: Stop falling asleep so early in the night because I notice I've been doing that alot more now. Love hormones? (PEA or epinephrine, Ming??) HAHA.

Ta!

Confessions of A Procrastinator cum Reality Escapist/Moron

2006-11-24T11:19:00.000+08:00

Dear blog,

I have to speak now or forever hold my peace. Or I have to deal with that friggin' annoying nag. My own conscience. I honestly didn't know I had one. Ah, but writing this out will help i know. So tell me, do you know anybody stupid enough to read a book about procrastination, pick the same book to write a review on, and still manage to procrastinate on handing in the assignment?
Yea I know somebody like that. Think you know him (her?! HIM! HER!!) It must be all the sleeping I did two nights in a row. Just for the sake of defending myself, (by the way I hate to do this, when i mess up, I truly know that I do and I don't usually bother making excuses for it) I was sick two nights ago. BUT, yes , I could have started earlier.

I have an apology to make to myself. I let myself down. I am not going to sit here and moan about it, I'm going to finish the damn thing and I know i will. I'm going to park my butt here and not go anywhere (or surf the net, check friendster, look at pictures of my cicak or go to my inbox) until I am DONE.

But let me finish telling you about my sin ( I am NOT laughing right now and neither should you, dumbass). So I got off to a really good start, you know? I picked out the book, I read it, I was doing ok with other work, it was just when I saw the deadline come closer, I felt myself get all phobic again. It's like I'm afraid of even coming here to start typing the damn thing. It's horrible I know. Everytime a deadline looms large in front of my eyes I sleep more, I eat more, I spend more time outside than necessary and I end up knowing exactly what is on tv (I barely watch tv, so what the hell is up with that?).

I can't ask anybody to smack sense into me but myself. Why? I know plenty of people who would be willing to do that for me (I know plenty of people just waiting to smack me, period) but I feel like I need to do this for myself. If I have to be punished, so be it. If someone were to nag me, or to become my cheerleader, I'd probably do it because I'd feel bad for letting that person down. So it wouldn't be for myself and what am I going to do when that person isn't around the next time?

Phew, well I feel better already and ARGH I'm almost there. GRRRRAAAAWWWR.
Maybe I should actually scream for real. That would help, no?
Time Crisis, here I come.

On a sidenote, to the people who are reading this (and to you dear, yes you I know you're reading this) you are in no way responsible for me being a pushover. It is me, all me. I am the culprit. I am also, unfortunately, the victim. But nobody is to blame except for Mil.

And there will be no more of this. I promise you and I promise me.
You are more than welcome to smack me around a bit, thanks.

Oblivionism

2006-11-23T13:31:00.000+08:00

Hello to you and to you. And to you *points to far end of room*. Didn't see you there what with the smoke blocking your face and all. You chimney you.

As noted by someone who comes by here pretty often, my blog has been quite a hotspot- in a bad way I guess. So much drama! Hrmm. Well, I was overwhelmed with your concern, thank you. Whether I was wrong or right, I guess I'll never know, but thanks for backing me up no matter what.

Days go by faster and faster, soon it will be the end of November, which will bring us to December. Only a year left til' I have to go. Damn.

It's been a crazy week sometimes I wish I could just block it all out. But reality is reality, there's no escaping it. I've learnt that the hard way. Although I have been pretty good at hiding from Reality's nosey touch, I can't run very far away. Can I, you son of a gun.

I don't want to grow up. Let's freeze.

Randomness

2006-11-19T01:05:00.000+08:00

1. Are you currently mad at someone?
I get that way at times but it's all good.

2. Which of your family members has the worst temper?
Err...that might just be me. But my brother is catching up

3. Have you ever thrown something at anyones face?
*Shameful* Yes. But I don't remember who it was and what the unfortunate item was that had to collide with the face. Nyah.

4. Does your face turn red when you blush?
Oh goodness, yes it's like I'm on fire. In all the bad ways.

5. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell?
Ooo, to stare angrily. It gives me much satisfaction to see my minions squirm uncomfortably. On second thought it feels great to yell too. I am such an angry man.

1. Has anyone ever thrown a surpriseparty for you?
Oh yea, and they were both lovely. Both sponsored by my parents. People love me!

2. Are you easily excited?
Excited's not the word, I'd say easy to please.

3. What event is coming up that you're most excited about?
Friday because only you could get me to hop up and down and squeal like a pig in mud.

4. Which of your friends is most excitable?
Without a doubt, Ming.

5. If you won a million dollars what would be your first thought?
Holy Shit. Second thought: I'm Robin Hood and I want to buy you lunch.

6. If you could have anything right now,what would it be?
A smile on my darling's face.

SELF DISCOVERY
1. Name? Silly-billy-milly

2. Where were you born?
In a land called Malaysia, in a state called Selangor and in an area called Kelana Jaya.

3. What's your main goal in life?
To give out some goodness to the world for it has been good to me.

4. Do you want to have children?-
Absofrigginlutely.

5. How do you want to die?
Surrounded by the ones I love.

OPINIONS.
1. Sex before marriage?
Without the right person can be fatal.

2. Lower the drinking age?
Oh nono, can you imagine 16 year olds running wild and drunk?

3. War?
Is so unnecessary and so fascist.

4. Recycling?
Is something we never do.

LOVE
1. Do you have a crush?
A big one.

2. Who is the best hugger that you know?
Me actually I tend to squeeze the life out of you.

Q&A
Q: How many beds were you in yesterday?
I remember just one.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
Dark blue.

Q: Name one thing that you do everyday?
Drive.

Q: I can't wait till...?
Friday. Wee.

Q: Who got you to join Friendster?
One of my high school friends, because Fster was so totally cool ei?

Q: Is Jack on your friends list?
No, but I have a Sebastian. Hehe.

Q: Look to your left. What's there?
My pretty purple curtains.

Q: What's the last thing you borrowedfromsomeone?
Nimmy's hair thing that looks like a weapon.

Q: What website(s) do you visit themost?
TV Links.

Q: Most recent time you were really upset?
Last Saturday because it happens.

_______Last________
1.Person you saw last in your family:
Mommy, Pops and bro.

2. Hugged:
Ashy.

3. Movie watched:
Fantastic 4. Eh, first one was better, movie-wise and Alba-wise.

4. Song you listened to:
Jhalak Dikhlaja-Himesh Reshamiya.

_______Today________
1. What are you doing now?
Boring you and refusing to look at my Human Comm book.

2. What are you doing tonight:
Pretending to look at my Human Comm book. Okok i study. Hee.

3. What are you going to eat fordinner?
Me had fish.

4. What are you doing tomorrow?
Meeting Ming at Hanky-Panky. =D And waiting for Friday.

Thread

2006-11-05T20:22:00.000+08:00

I am made up of thread, seemingly flimsy, but on closer look,
it is strong.
Strong thread spun from experience, big and bigger mistakes, but most importantly,
love.
Over the years I tried to stick shells to the thread, but somebody took out these shells.
Resilient now but with no shells.
You took down that hard surface and now I have no armour.
But I have my thread.
Sometimes there are things that try to attack my thread, but I allow it to bounce.
Bounce, bounce.
Bounces once, twice, three times.
No matter what, my thread stays the same, only growing stronger each day.
Sometimes there are things that try to break it.
But how do break something thats only in my head?
You can't cut it, it will only sew itself back together.
You can't smash it, it is too tiny for your violence.
You can't wrestle it off me, because what is mine you shouldn't take.
So no matter what, you can't destroy what is already meant to be there.
I ask for you to respect my thread and yours will grow to be like mine too.

Knee Deep

2006-10-31T20:54:00.000+08:00

What's been going on Mil's life? Is that why you're here, is that the question that runs through your head?
If so, then thank you! Funny story, yesterday an old flame messaged me to tell me that a girl he knows never writes to him. It's funny because i'm the girl and he's just wasting time pointing out the obvious isn't he. I found this quite hilarious and didn't know quite what to make of it. Except laugh my ass off.

It's been about four weeks or so since the fall semester of college and everyday has been fantastic. I've been finding classes fairly easy *knocks on wood* and life has been like one big party. Hey that rhymes and I wasn't being sarcastic.

I don't feel like I have to worry so much about what's going to happen next, especially academic-wise and I'm just taking it one step at a time you know? If I do well this semester, it will be the boost that I need to convince myself that I'll be okay doing psychology (possibly for the rest of my life).
Here's a lowdown of how my conversation went with dad about me switching to English.

Me: So Pops, I think I'd prefer to do something with English...not Psychology.
Pops: English? What would you do with English?
Me: [Long pause] Err...I guess I could teach. I really don't know but I think I'd do better with
that.
Pops: Yea but what about prospects? The money wouldn't be great. With psychology you could be earning twice as much as me. (Proceeds to talk about the importance of money for awhile).
And then came the blow...
Pops: When I'm not here anymore, you gotta take care of the family. Who else is going to do that?
Me: [Feels like she's been punched in the stomach] Yea. Of course.

So that was that. How can I consider anything else when my entire family's welfare is in my hands. But the thing is, my Dad's right. Going into English could be a risky thing because of the pay and uncertainty of job offers.

Having said that though, if he didn't put it that way, I would already be knee deep in Literature.
We all have responsiblities though. And this doesn't mean I have to stop dreaming.

Wee.

Tu Hi Re

2006-10-30T23:15:00.000+08:00

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
jaan re jaan re in saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa tuu
chaa.nd re chaa.nd re aa jaa dil kii zamiin pe tuu
chaahat hai agar aake mujhse mil jaa tuu
yaa phir aisa kar dhartii se milaa de mujhko

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
in saa.nso.n ka dekho tum paagalpan kii aa'e nahii.n inhe.n chain
mujhse yeh bolii mai.n raaho.n me.n terii apne bichha duu.n yeh nain
in uu.nche pahaaRo.n se jaan de duu.nga mai.n gar tum na aa'ii kahii.n
tum udhar jaanam ummiid merii jo toRo idhar yeh jahaan chhoRuu.n mai.n
maut aur zi.ndagii tere haatho.n me.n de diya re
aa'ii re aa'ii re le mai.n aa'ii huu.n tere li'e
toRa re toRe re har ba.ndhan ko pyaar ke li'e
jaan re jaan re aaj tujh me.n samaa jaa'uu.n mai.n
dil re dil ve terii saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa'uu.n mai.n
chaahat hai agar aake mujhse mil jaa tuu
yaa phir aisa kar dhartii se milaa de mujhko

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
sau baar bulaa'e mai.n sau baar aa'uu.n ek baar jo dil diya
ek aa.nkh ro'e to duujii bolo so'egii kaise bhala
un pyaar kii raaho.n me.n patthar hai.n kitne un sabko hii paar kiya
ik nadii huu.n mai.n chaahat bharii aaj milne saagar ko aa'ii yahaa.n
sajna sajna aaj aa.nsuu bhii miiTHe lage
pal pal pal pal waqt to bitaa jaa'e re
zara bol zara bol waqt se ki voh tham jaa'e re

tuu hii re tuu hii re tere bina mai.n kaise jii'uu.n
aa jaa re aa jaa re yuu.n hii taRpa na tuu mujhko
jaan re jaan re in saa.nso.n me.n bas jaa tuu
chaa.nd re chaa.nd re aa jaa dil kii zamiin pe tuu
aa'ii re aa'ii re le mai.n aa'ii huu.n tere li'e
jaan re jaan re aaj tujh me.n samaa jaa'uu.n mai.n

Emotional Tag

2006-10-23T18:48:00.000+08:00

1. HAPPINESS- is s state of mind where I am content in not an extreme manner, where I am comfortable just being. Spending time with the ones I love and doing something I love (spending alone time) brings out the happiness valence.

2. SADNESS- is having that gut-wrenching feeling where everything is bleak and nothing seems like it'll ever be alright again. Normally brought upon during inner crises and when I think too much. The crossroads and the hormones.

3. HOPE- is blind faith. I am not against this emotion, but don't put all your freakin' eggs in one basket. But without hope, we are nothing.

4. DISAPPOINTMENT- is dressing up real nice for someone and then they cancel on you. But beyond that it is a step away from anger; not getting what we want. The id in all of us.

5. LOVE-is life. We live to love. Love is getting angry because he did something stupid again. Love is when you want nothing but the best for the one you love.

6. HATE- does not exist here. I have no room for hate. I try.

7. CONFUSION- is when a guy says...Baby, I love you but then proceeds to step all over you. Confusion is when there is more than one person involved. Confusion is when your eyes see someone but your heart thinks of another.

8. ANGER-is when you tremble and shake like a leaf because you're so MAD. Anger is the most frightening thing to me.

9. FRUSTRATION- is when you're sitting in a traffic jam, fumbling for a cigarette and you realise you don't have a lighter. It's synonym for IRONY.

10. PASSION- is that thing you have that is all-consuming and if you let it, it will take over everything. In all the right ways.

11. FEAR- is the silliest most obstrusive emotion we have. Public speaking.

12. STUPIDNESS-is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. It is when you go the longer way because you forgot about the shortcut.

13. ECSTASY- is that extreme happiness where you feel you're about to burst. Pop. When I walk into a bookstore with a credit card.

14. JOY- is when you type the last word on a particularly baffling assignment and actually manage to pass it up. On time. And the lecturer looks surprised. And you go AHAH!

15. MISERY- being lonely when you're not used to the feeling. Yech. At home on a Saturday night when you're particularly itching to dance. With people.

16. REVENGE-is pointless when you want to be the bigger person. If you don't mind looking stupid and small then BULLDOZE RIGHT AHEAD. HAHA. Kick him right where it hurts. Sweet.

17. ROMANCE - is the quickened heartbeat just by the simple act of holding hands. The private kisses shared in elevators. The brief but heart-stopping hugs.

18. LUST-is when you feel like an animal in broad daylight next to a man who hasn't even touched you yet.

19. PRIDE-is not being a clingy bitch. Control yourself people. Show some respect for YOURSELF. In a lighter tone- you have better things to do than mop around.

20. DEVOTION- Is developing a habit that is actually good for you and does no harm for other people. Prayers, checking up on friends or cleaning.

.OF ALL THE EMOTIONS IN THIS SURVEY, THE ONE YOU FEEL NOW IS- happiness

I tag: Ming, Syar, Sebastian and you.

I Should...

2006-10-23T18:13:00.000+08:00

...be less selfish.

...think about the future more.

...stop living in my little world.

I should, but do I want to?

Is there something wrong with me, something wrong with the way I behave? I can vouch for the fact that I'm not repulsive, but I wouldn't know if I am decent.

Some days you just feel repulsive and not at at all decent.
Some people can make you feel that way, but what did we learn?

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Do I ever learn?

So what if I want something from you? You have taken many things from me, and I usually don't say much about it. Why should I feel guilty about expecting things from you when you are always telling me you owe me? If you owe me so much, then pay up.

If I believe I am deserving of something and you don't, then too bad. I have made up my mind.
If you have a problem with that, then it's your loss. I know I have tried being nice. I have tried being fair. You should do justice.

A note to you people who take advantage. Mr. Nice Guy isn't always going to be around. One day he'll put down his foot and say NO. And you will gape while he walks away. Sometimes that only happens in movies. In real life, Mr. Nice Guy ends up in the hospital with a nervous breakdown after too many YES's to people.

A note to Mr. Nice Guys (and Miss Nice Girls)- Say no. I dare you. Let's be mean just this once. Not to throw it in their faces, but to feel good. So damn good. If you can't do it, don't push it. Don't be apologetic. And under no circumstances should you even THINK about feeling guilty. Why do we torture ourselves? I'm not saying I condone selfishness, but I certainly don't condone self-mutilation (in the head). This is not about being selfish, it is about knowing your boundaries.

Tell me I'm wrong.
This is an age-old problem, let's not bring it any further, people.

To the free spirits and the people who don't look any further than dinner tonight- You ain't alone. We're different, we're not so good at planning things, but that's ok. It really is.

I'm not telling you to wait and see. I'm just telling you to stop straining your neck- to breathe and to LIVE.

Live my babies, LIVE. And remind me to do the same.

Honey why you calling me...

2006-10-23T18:06:00.000+08:00

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud
Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue
Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel (And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel
Honey why are you calling me so late

Can you hear him croon doesn't it just make you swoon.
Wee

Cheers

2006-10-21T18:13:00.000+08:00

Today is Diwali (Deepavali is how the Malaysians say it) and I get to take part in the celebration. Yesterday it didn't really feel like Diwali. I had to be in a million places (at the same time) and by 5pm I was ready to a) cry, b) scream, c) roar d) all of the above. But I pulled through. I made it home by 6.45pm (beat my Dad, hah!) and attempted to get ready in the next 15minutes. I had a play to attend! And attend it I did. It was the best part of the day for me (except the time I spent with Straight Girl- it was fun chillin with u girl!). Everybody important to me was there, especially my Right Hand.

It's so true what people say- it doesn't matter where you are, where you go, or what you plan to do. What matters is who's with you. The play was worth my 10bucks.
Stand up comedy is catching on.
Detalis? The Actor's Studio @ Bangsar Shopping Centre- 8.30pm shows until the 22nd, that's tomorrow, tickets priced at RM10. The show is called Free Flow. Aptly named indeed!

I won't say much about the first part of my day yesterday because it's simply not worth mentioning. Who wants to know about my stress? No, I ain't fishing for love or attention, thank you though.

A note to the clove writer- I miss hangin with you.

I wish I could quell my public speaking fear. I'd try stand up comedy just for the sake of it. Boy, I go red just thinking about the crowd.

Slap me for this, but I love tequila shots. Actually wait, don't slap me, because it ain't a crime. I loved drinking with friends yesterday. We have to do that more often.

So because I had some to drink, I slept like a log, could barely wake up. I immediately thought of running down the road for some nescafe ais. Oops. It's Diwali, there ain't nobody there to make you a drink and charge you RM1.40 for it.
I was really craving it though, so me being the smartass I am figured I could re-create the drink at home. End result- it really wasn't that bad, it was free, but I had made it in a smaller portion so it was gone in no time. I even added the straw and took it outside to drink with the garden wall.

Diwali this year was even more laid back but the night is still young people. Have two more prayers to do and then we shall all head out for dinner. Ta.

What Is It

2006-10-19T00:21:00.000+08:00

I'll tell you something wierd.

There is a Coke can sitting on my right and it's all fizzed out because it's been there for about 4 hours, and I just realized that.

Something wierder? Okay, here goes.
Remember that movie Princess Diaries? Sure you do. A movie where we yearned, yet again, for a leg-popping kiss from our own Michael's. Ahh Michael.
Anyway, it was first a book, as you know.

Now remember The Devil Wears Prada? Also was a book first. Now, get this. Both movies had Anne Hathaway (gorgeous specimen of Hollywood breed) as the lead actress. Now, focus on this fact, which I find very cool.

In both books(movies), her best friends' first name is Lily. And both movies (books) had Hathaway in it.

I realize I took an awfully long time to spell that out, and I also realize that this is hardly very significant in our lives, but what a coincidence ei?

As an update, I doubt I mentioned this- mom sprained her ankle on Thursday evening, last week, but she is totally fine, just chilling in bed. Literally. I was puttering around her the first two days then realized that this is a perfect excuse to stay in bed. It's only mildly painful and everybody will tend to you because you're supposed to rest the leg. So after this brilliant insight, I tried twisting my foot in a pair of slippers. I ended up doing a little akward dance, in front of the door on the welcome mat. It was very attractive. By the way, that's where it happened for Mom- right there on the mat. God knows she wanted me to take over the chauffeur job she has.

The pay sucks.

Well she's happy- overdosed on Desperate Housewives and that's how we ended up having one of those shouting matches where you try not to laugh because it's all so dramatic. She's been reading one of my self-help books, another bad idea because they can be depressing. Robin Norwood- Women Who Love Too Much. If anything, she picked the right book (actually I slipped it in her handbag, oops). She's read all the magazines she stole from the clinic's waiting room, the threading lady and probably a few stores. She's even joined 6 competitions (which she chanced upon during the magazine phase) which she wants to mail out before friday (translation- mil, you do it) and today she watched Fanaa even though she knew I was pms-ing.
If you don't know by now that I'm an absolute crybaby then well... you probably wouldn't be reading this. Yea so there I am, lower lip trembling (such sad music, people!) while fetching her pillows and stamps (for the big mail-out).

Damn these hormones will be the death of me.

Tomorrow, I wait for you to come.
Wee.

Gratitudinal

2006-10-17T00:59:00.000+08:00

Only thought in head:
Bed wants me. I want bed. Let's make each other happy.

Interesting fact:
For Human Motivation, as an extra credit assignment, students are required to keep a gratitude journal. In all honesty, it's a piece of cake, she might as well hand in the 2% without reading the crap we're going to send in. But, let me say that it is a great thing to do, extra credit or not. Bad days come and go, but when you have to write down one thing to be grateful for (and for a whole month too), complaining IS going to feel and look stupid.
I've only done two days, but just the act of starting it has made me think of things to write about. I would suggest this to anyone, especially those of us with attitude problems. Haha.

"WHY ME!"

"LIFE IS SO UNFAIR!"

Ok, seriously? Shut up already.

I ain't mockin them (ok, I am) but why do we do that? Sure, we're allowed to self-absorb now and then but there should be a limit.

Another interesting fact:
Human Motivation class has been more fun than I thought it would be. It's so much more than self-help books you know?
OH MY ANOTHER MYTH BUSTED.

HAHAHA.
Yes folks it is true. Oprah is just about the money. Buying Steve Chandler or Barbara Sher wont work alone. Just reading it isn't enough. All you gotta do is get your damn butt off that damn chair. I swear. That's it.
It comes down to one thing.
Inertia.
I can see everybody nodding.

Yet another interesting fact:
If you didn't already know, sex is just about one of the most motivating factors in a human beings. I'm pretty sure everybody knew this but it is so fun to be scandalous.
SEX SEX SEX! OH GOODNESS SHE SAID THE S WORD. That's what it used to be right? the S word (no, not Shit!), the Word, the forbidden thing. Wrong.

Ok, I grew up. I hope you do too.

Something I would find hard to say normally but am saying it now because I'm already going with it:
Today I felt like absolute shit, but I'm happy I pulled through. To the people who matter; sorry I didn't say anything, I really didn't want to talk about it (because the tears would have then become inevitable and I know you'll start if I do, because that is how contagious I am).
I'll tell you someday soon, when I can laugh about it.

Today I felt happy being in class with the newly-straightened girl (like the name...I guess not). Thanks girl for laughing the loudest so everybody turned to look at us just to laugh at us. Including our lecturer.

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes of your goal."

Pretty Haze

2006-10-14T11:43:00.000+08:00

Greetings. And salutations.

Hello and welcome to the let-down.
Gee I feel really distant from you.
Gee I wonder why.
I have not been faithful have I?
No. You have not.

Any particular reason?
Yes. I've been whizzing. Whizzing and hurtling through time.
This week has gone by fast, I still feel like it's Monday.
It's Saturday.

Yesterday, I dreamt I took the SPM again.
I failed obviously (only the worst in dreams) and then I was kidnapped by a pervert (well, he certainly wasn't decent).
The worst part of the dream? I managed to escape but I left my brother behind.
The worst sister.
Only the worst in dreams.

For some stupid reason, in the SPM there was practical too (as opposed to theory where you're sentenced behind a desk to write, color in small circles and wither while watching the clock.
So much fun.
So how would a practical exam go? Mind you, this was something everyone had to do, no matter if you were in Arts or Science. This is why on that day, the crowd seemed double the usual size. Perhaps the entire school had to take it.
So hundreds of us lined up for hundreds of minutes to go up to a podium, do a small dance and walk away.
Honestly I can't remember what we had to do once we got up there, but I distinctly remember never getting a turn.
High school politics.

Today I realized something. I'm in the 8th Grade for piano but I feel like I'm in the 5th.
Miss Ellen told me I had to decide when to take my theory. March '07, September '07, when I get back from Australia, during my stay in Australia, or never.
Surprisingly, it is not tempting to take the last option. Simply because for some wierd reason I kind of enjoy the theory bit. It's just hard to feel competent when you have no time for it.
Nope, that's not a good excuse is it.
I'm still thinking, because I have to re-take my practical as well. Choices, choices.
Initially I was looking at March '07 to do the theory thing. But it's pretty clear that this is pretty damn idealistic.

Oh well.
You live and you learn.

Why the pretty haze? Because yes, the haze is deathly, but it looks pretty under the streetlights.
So pretty.

But When

2006-10-10T22:52:00.000+08:00

I believe I was typing out a post, but I was rudely interrupted as Dad wanted to play freecell. Haha. Unfortunately, last night would have been a better night to post. A little less pessimism perhaps but I might be funnier today. Maybe, perhaps, eh.

Hello to all. I would like to say thank you for all the comments once again, it feels good that you check up on me. Thanks for sharing my apparently contagious enthusiasm.

"Where should I kiss you?"

My face. It is bare without your kisses.

"Why should I kiss you?"

Because I want you too.

"When should I kiss you?"

Only when I feel ready, when I wouldn't object and when I am comfortable enough to call you names and hit you when you say something chauvinistic.

"Oh."

Yea, thanks for the insightful feedback.

No worries, this is totally random. But certainly resembles me.
Deal with it.

Why should I feel bad about having my own rules?
Why should you make me feel bad about even having principles?
By the way, I may look and sound totally principle-less but you would be sadly mistaken.
Buddy.
Expect the unexpected. I learnt that one.
What did you learn?

I'm content, thank you for asking. Just the racing thoughts, nothing to worry about.

I shall have to update you someday.
Not today.